Habit of mine

Everybody, at least once in their life, runs into uncomfortable information. The kind of thing that upsets them to the point of wondering about the hows, the whys, the what ifs. I know I'm one of those people, though I'm not going to give any of the specifics on what's been bothering me lately. Sometimes things keep me up at night. Sometimes they drive me to do irrational things, risky things. Things I really shouldn't have ever done in the first place, but jumped into too quickly to stop myself. I think some of the blog posts from the end of 2008 are evidence of that, though I wouldn't say that's the only time I've done something crazy. Maybe the craziest, but certainly not the only time.

Most people...I wonder to myself if most people deal with such things differently than me. Honestly, I can't imagine it matters much how you deal with it, cause what happens...happens, whether you can accept it or not. No matter how you approach painful truths, you have to accept it, or deny it, however it may affect your life. However easy that may be for you.

Me? I guess I distract myself. I can't think of a better way to say it. I try to find something else to focus on, to take the more painful thoughts off my mind. After all, I know myself well enough to recognize that the longer I spend thinking about a painful subject, the worse I'm going to make it out to be...and the more hurt I'll get about it. The more stressful it will become. I don't like to be stressed. I strive to have a stress-free life, because it's my opinion that if there is a lot of stress in your life, then you're not happy, and you're not living your life the way you should be. And you should be happy! Because the whole point of life is carving out your own happy corner of the universe and enjoying it. The whole point of life is finding happiness, whatever it may be. That's what life is to me.

Usually, I'll turn to a video game. Obviously I'm a gamer, it's what I love to do. But sometimes I turn to games for reasons other than just for fun. It helps keep my mind off other things. I can think about orcs and goblins instead. I can think about how to make "my guy" more powerful, or about the next challenge I have to overcome, and it won't be a stressful challenge. It'll be one of those "All right, a challenge!" sort of challenges, instead of the one that makes you want to tear a hole in the wall.
Or I read a book. I always love to get lost in a good book. The really good books, the ones that I love most...the ones that I list as my favorites? Those are the books where I can fully lose myself in the story. I can read page after page, and the next time I look at the clock, several hours have passed and I didn't even know it. I might even skip dinner, because I was too focused on the book.
Maybe I watch a movie. Sometimes that works. Others it doesn't. This is mostly because lately a lot of movies just don't cut it for me. They are packed with so much action and momentum that you lose the story, and time passes by too quickly. The movie ends and you'll think, "Wait, that's it? I just sat down," even though it took you two hours to watch. Of course, I do find some movies that I can lose myself in, so I tend to watch movies, or at least re-watch them, fairly often. Maybe I can shed some tears about somebody else's sad story, instead of my own. Internal tears, of course, because guys don't cry.

Do I stop thinking completely? Do I basically forget about whatever was bothering me? Of course not. Hell no. I can't get it out of my head, why else do you think I turned to the game, or the book? That distraction really, in the end, just forces me not to focus so narrowly on the subject. The thoughts are still there, going through the cogs of my brain, and no matter how well I distract myself, it's like there's somebody sitting next to me, whispering about it into my ear. Reminding me again and again, "Hey, this thing is bothering you, stop watching that movie!" Even now, writing this up in an attempt to distract myself, I'm thinking about it! It's nagging at the back of my brain like a carnivorous earwig. Granted, it's not the best distraction, since I'm talking about it somewhat, but it helps me far more than nothing.
Sometimes it gets so bad, I just rant to the first person around, who I actually trust with my emotions. Usually I just rant out loud, or at least to the cat, because there isn't always somebody around that I would actually trust that freely. Back when I was still playing WoW, I'd go rant to Tristan, because well...we were, and I think still are, kindred spirits. I can't explain it other than that. I have never met her in person, and even now I still only know her through MySpace, but this is a person I would trust with my firstborn child, if I had one. I suppose I could always send her a message on MySpace and talk with her about stuff, but I really hate to bother people. And when I look at the things bothering me lately, it feels like it's the same problems I had a year ago. Different person, same problems, though it still bothers me. Maybe it bothers me even more now than back then, because it involves somebody much closer to my heart.

It helps to distract myself, in most cases. I honestly don't know if it's the best way to handle those situations, when I just get stuck on things like that. Especially since it seems to be happening more and more of late.
Am I avoiding the subject? I honestly don't think I am. Because I am still thinking about it. I go watch a movie, hoping to distract myself, and all throughout the movie, it's like I remind myself over and over of what I'm thinking about. Do I do it on purpose? No. I just do it. I can't stop from thinking about it, I just have to hope I don't get insanely worked up over it.
But at the same time, I wonder if maybe I should force myself to think about it, or at least write my thoughts down and read over them. At least then it would all run it's course, right? Maybe I'd get it all out of my system, and then I can actually enjoy other activities?
I don't think it would work that way for me. I don't think these things "run their course" not until the source of the problem is dealt with. And right now...there isn't anything I can do.

That's what bothers the most in the situation I am right now, in everything that's happened since even before I left Austin. I'm helpless. I'm utterly useless, and there's not a damn thing I can do. And as much as I want to do something, want to change what I fear is starting to happen...I can't. And the next thought that pops into my head is "Maybe I shouldn't anyway." It's the kind of situation that frustrates me to no end. I want to tear down the very room I'm sitting in, just to prove to myself that I can actually do something, even if it's destructive instead of productive.
I know I just put up a blog about keeping calm, not being afraid, but this is just one of those things that nags at you, again and again. I was talking more about being afraid of the latest media-hyped crisis, than personal troubles.

With that in mind, I'm seriously considering rejoining WoW, just to give myself a place to escape to and relax this troubled mind of mine. Now, escaping, hiding, avoiding...that's not how you should react to stressful problems in your life, I know. I think I know. I'm not so much escaping, as trying to get my mind under control. Because I don't want to stress myself to the point that I just want to throw myself through a window, or purchase a plane ticket, or anything else that might come to mind!
Even though I promised a very important person that I wouldn't rejoin WoW unless she rejoined with me, I just might have to break that promise for my own sanity. I say sanity because of a WoW addiction, because of a gaming addiction? Not at all. Though I admit that I really miss WoW a lot, and every time I think about the game, I sorely wish I could log in and have some fun like when I first signed up, it's not that desire to play that's driving me up a wall.
It's everything else in my life that is. It's my family, my job situation, my money problems, but most of all...it's my love life. And out of all the areas in my life that I seem to be unable to properly handle, this one stands above all of them. This is the one that makes me pace back and forth in my room at night, when I have nothing to do, and when I can't get to sleep. This is the one that makes me talk to the cat when nobody's around, causing me to wonder if I already lost my sanity long ago. Who talks to their cat after all? I guess I should be fortunate I don't talk to my computer, but is it all that different?

Maybe you could call it relaxing. Finding something relaxing to do, instead of fretting and wondering and fingernail-biting, is surely healthier...right? I'm not avoiding the subject. I'm not hiding from my problem. I'm just trying to relax, so I can think more clearly. That's not the wrong to deal with things, I think.

I guess I'm just ranting right now, trying to clear my mind. Using my blog in much the same way I would use a video game, to simply relax myself, though in a slightly different fashion.
In the end of all the ranting, all I can say...is that I look around at my life, and I'm not anywhere near where I wanted my life to go. And as I look down the road, I can honestly say, it's getting even farther away. The bad news just keeps on coming.
Where's the good news?

I guess just to let people know: the attempt at B&N was a flop. I tried for Hollywood Video again soon after, but they filled up the positions they needed before I could get my second interview. Looks like I'm stuck with Sea World...least I convinced them to put me somewhere that didn't involve heights.

People are too damned paranoid

The title says it all, and I know several people in my life who really need to worry less about things. But, for now, I'm speaking mostly of this supposed outbreak of "swine flu" that the media has people worrying about. I don't know anybody personally who is actually worried about this specific thing, but I'm trying to give more of a general message.

Yes, there are people that actually catch it. I'm not saying you're paranoid because I don't think it's going to happen. I just think you're worrying for nothing. Worrying about it isn't going to change things. It's either going to happen, or it's not, and unless you go entirely closet-case, "I'm gonna run around with a mask to make sure I don't get sick," then there's nothing you can do about it. People honestly have very little control over how the future turns out, most of the time.
Maybe I'm biased, because as far as I can remember, I never get sick...but it's all in the mind. It's just part of the way that the human subconscious works. If you're afraid something is going to happen, and constantly worry about it happening, then you're going to subconsciously work towards making that possibility happen. Whether you mean to, or not, that's what will happen.
And maybe you do catch it. It might happen, I don't know. But so what if you do? You keep reading about "Oh my god, this thing killed people in Mexico!" Seriously, so what? That was Mexico. You're not in Mexico, and things are different here. The most important thing about getting sick is not to start thinking "Oh my god, I'm going to die." Your immune system will respond to that in a very negative fashion. Just relax, get your rest and nutrition, maybe take tylenol or some sort of cold medicine, and you'll heal up just fine.

Stop worrying about things so much, de-stress yourself, and just enjoy your life, whatever that means to you. Does that mean you should just throw caution to the wind? No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying you need to stop worrying so much. People have enough to deal with in their lives without panicking about the latest media scare. Stress causes a lot of health problems and obviously weakens the immune system. What is so great about your life if you're constantly stressed about something? That's not the kind of life I want to live, and it's not the kind of life you should want to live.

The past is gone, and the future isn't here yet, so just live for the present.

'Bout time

Well, finally, something might be changing for the better. It's been over three months, but I've finally got an interview with Barnes & Noble tomorrow. I wouldn't say it's glamorous work, but we've all got to make money from somewhere. I've always wanted to work at a bookstore, and B&N is one of the better places to work at. Books-A-Million never bothered to call back about my multiple applications, so it's their loss.

I've basically also been "hired" by Sea World to do something involving climbing up into rigging and controlling a spotlight...I think that's what they said I'd be doing, at least. But that's for their Summer Night shows, so it's not for a while now. I will have to cut my hair as well, even though there's no way anybody will be seeing me. It'll be night, the uniform they gave me is all black, and I'll be working big spotlights above the show that people are watching. I can understand why they want such conformity, but I certainly don't agree with their logic. I don't have piercings or tattoos anyways, and I've seen guys working there who looked way worse than I do in terms of family-friendly appearance. Just 'cause I'm a guy who grew his hair out, doesn't mean I don't meet their company image. It's probably the case that they want to be fair to the employees who do have to meet customers.

I'd honestly prefer to not work for Sea World, haircut or no, but I get the feeling I'm not going to have a choice in the matter. The very first question the interviewer asked me is if I'm scared of heights. I don't have a phobia of high places, but honestly, does anybody really want to have to work a job where that's the first criteria of the position? That just makes me nervous. Being asked that makes me start imagining falling from up in the rigging down into the big Shamu pool, and I'd rather not imagine it or experience it. Chances are I'll end up developing a fear of high places once I start working this job.
If this job with B&N falls through, there's not really a need to work for Sea World, is there? Right? Could I maybe do work that doesn't involve climbing way high up?

Maybe if I make the decision to move back to Austin, I could find a B&N branch up there I could work for. I wonder if that sort of transfer is possible. I suppose it wouldn't work out that way, though. The plan is still to find a way to get my foot back in that door with Blizzard, or possibly with NCSoft, though I bet it'll be a year or two before that's possible. I'm still amazed that the company running Lineage, City of Heroes/Villains, Tabula Rasa, Guild Wars, and Aion: Tower of Eternity, have offices in Austin. In case you don't know, all of those titles are MMOs. I believe BioWare is also in Austin. They're the folks who made Baldur's Gate and Neverwinter Nights, both of which are favorites of mine. They're also currently developing some Star Wars MMO, right from their Austin offices. That city is turning into quite the MMO gaming hub.
I know I've been set back quite a bit, but I've still got the same plans I've had since high school. They're getting more defined, since I have options to pursue only 90 minutes away.

For now, though, I'm gonna keep hoping for that B&N job, even if I end up working at their cafe, serving coffee. (And I am not a fan of coffee...)