Habit of mine

Everybody, at least once in their life, runs into uncomfortable information. The kind of thing that upsets them to the point of wondering about the hows, the whys, the what ifs. I know I'm one of those people, though I'm not going to give any of the specifics on what's been bothering me lately. Sometimes things keep me up at night. Sometimes they drive me to do irrational things, risky things. Things I really shouldn't have ever done in the first place, but jumped into too quickly to stop myself. I think some of the blog posts from the end of 2008 are evidence of that, though I wouldn't say that's the only time I've done something crazy. Maybe the craziest, but certainly not the only time.

Most people...I wonder to myself if most people deal with such things differently than me. Honestly, I can't imagine it matters much how you deal with it, cause what happens...happens, whether you can accept it or not. No matter how you approach painful truths, you have to accept it, or deny it, however it may affect your life. However easy that may be for you.

Me? I guess I distract myself. I can't think of a better way to say it. I try to find something else to focus on, to take the more painful thoughts off my mind. After all, I know myself well enough to recognize that the longer I spend thinking about a painful subject, the worse I'm going to make it out to be...and the more hurt I'll get about it. The more stressful it will become. I don't like to be stressed. I strive to have a stress-free life, because it's my opinion that if there is a lot of stress in your life, then you're not happy, and you're not living your life the way you should be. And you should be happy! Because the whole point of life is carving out your own happy corner of the universe and enjoying it. The whole point of life is finding happiness, whatever it may be. That's what life is to me.

Usually, I'll turn to a video game. Obviously I'm a gamer, it's what I love to do. But sometimes I turn to games for reasons other than just for fun. It helps keep my mind off other things. I can think about orcs and goblins instead. I can think about how to make "my guy" more powerful, or about the next challenge I have to overcome, and it won't be a stressful challenge. It'll be one of those "All right, a challenge!" sort of challenges, instead of the one that makes you want to tear a hole in the wall.
Or I read a book. I always love to get lost in a good book. The really good books, the ones that I love most...the ones that I list as my favorites? Those are the books where I can fully lose myself in the story. I can read page after page, and the next time I look at the clock, several hours have passed and I didn't even know it. I might even skip dinner, because I was too focused on the book.
Maybe I watch a movie. Sometimes that works. Others it doesn't. This is mostly because lately a lot of movies just don't cut it for me. They are packed with so much action and momentum that you lose the story, and time passes by too quickly. The movie ends and you'll think, "Wait, that's it? I just sat down," even though it took you two hours to watch. Of course, I do find some movies that I can lose myself in, so I tend to watch movies, or at least re-watch them, fairly often. Maybe I can shed some tears about somebody else's sad story, instead of my own. Internal tears, of course, because guys don't cry.

Do I stop thinking completely? Do I basically forget about whatever was bothering me? Of course not. Hell no. I can't get it out of my head, why else do you think I turned to the game, or the book? That distraction really, in the end, just forces me not to focus so narrowly on the subject. The thoughts are still there, going through the cogs of my brain, and no matter how well I distract myself, it's like there's somebody sitting next to me, whispering about it into my ear. Reminding me again and again, "Hey, this thing is bothering you, stop watching that movie!" Even now, writing this up in an attempt to distract myself, I'm thinking about it! It's nagging at the back of my brain like a carnivorous earwig. Granted, it's not the best distraction, since I'm talking about it somewhat, but it helps me far more than nothing.
Sometimes it gets so bad, I just rant to the first person around, who I actually trust with my emotions. Usually I just rant out loud, or at least to the cat, because there isn't always somebody around that I would actually trust that freely. Back when I was still playing WoW, I'd go rant to Tristan, because well...we were, and I think still are, kindred spirits. I can't explain it other than that. I have never met her in person, and even now I still only know her through MySpace, but this is a person I would trust with my firstborn child, if I had one. I suppose I could always send her a message on MySpace and talk with her about stuff, but I really hate to bother people. And when I look at the things bothering me lately, it feels like it's the same problems I had a year ago. Different person, same problems, though it still bothers me. Maybe it bothers me even more now than back then, because it involves somebody much closer to my heart.

It helps to distract myself, in most cases. I honestly don't know if it's the best way to handle those situations, when I just get stuck on things like that. Especially since it seems to be happening more and more of late.
Am I avoiding the subject? I honestly don't think I am. Because I am still thinking about it. I go watch a movie, hoping to distract myself, and all throughout the movie, it's like I remind myself over and over of what I'm thinking about. Do I do it on purpose? No. I just do it. I can't stop from thinking about it, I just have to hope I don't get insanely worked up over it.
But at the same time, I wonder if maybe I should force myself to think about it, or at least write my thoughts down and read over them. At least then it would all run it's course, right? Maybe I'd get it all out of my system, and then I can actually enjoy other activities?
I don't think it would work that way for me. I don't think these things "run their course" not until the source of the problem is dealt with. And right now...there isn't anything I can do.

That's what bothers the most in the situation I am right now, in everything that's happened since even before I left Austin. I'm helpless. I'm utterly useless, and there's not a damn thing I can do. And as much as I want to do something, want to change what I fear is starting to happen...I can't. And the next thought that pops into my head is "Maybe I shouldn't anyway." It's the kind of situation that frustrates me to no end. I want to tear down the very room I'm sitting in, just to prove to myself that I can actually do something, even if it's destructive instead of productive.
I know I just put up a blog about keeping calm, not being afraid, but this is just one of those things that nags at you, again and again. I was talking more about being afraid of the latest media-hyped crisis, than personal troubles.

With that in mind, I'm seriously considering rejoining WoW, just to give myself a place to escape to and relax this troubled mind of mine. Now, escaping, hiding, avoiding...that's not how you should react to stressful problems in your life, I know. I think I know. I'm not so much escaping, as trying to get my mind under control. Because I don't want to stress myself to the point that I just want to throw myself through a window, or purchase a plane ticket, or anything else that might come to mind!
Even though I promised a very important person that I wouldn't rejoin WoW unless she rejoined with me, I just might have to break that promise for my own sanity. I say sanity because of a WoW addiction, because of a gaming addiction? Not at all. Though I admit that I really miss WoW a lot, and every time I think about the game, I sorely wish I could log in and have some fun like when I first signed up, it's not that desire to play that's driving me up a wall.
It's everything else in my life that is. It's my family, my job situation, my money problems, but most of all...it's my love life. And out of all the areas in my life that I seem to be unable to properly handle, this one stands above all of them. This is the one that makes me pace back and forth in my room at night, when I have nothing to do, and when I can't get to sleep. This is the one that makes me talk to the cat when nobody's around, causing me to wonder if I already lost my sanity long ago. Who talks to their cat after all? I guess I should be fortunate I don't talk to my computer, but is it all that different?

Maybe you could call it relaxing. Finding something relaxing to do, instead of fretting and wondering and fingernail-biting, is surely healthier...right? I'm not avoiding the subject. I'm not hiding from my problem. I'm just trying to relax, so I can think more clearly. That's not the wrong to deal with things, I think.

I guess I'm just ranting right now, trying to clear my mind. Using my blog in much the same way I would use a video game, to simply relax myself, though in a slightly different fashion.
In the end of all the ranting, all I can say...is that I look around at my life, and I'm not anywhere near where I wanted my life to go. And as I look down the road, I can honestly say, it's getting even farther away. The bad news just keeps on coming.
Where's the good news?

I guess just to let people know: the attempt at B&N was a flop. I tried for Hollywood Video again soon after, but they filled up the positions they needed before I could get my second interview. Looks like I'm stuck with Sea World...least I convinced them to put me somewhere that didn't involve heights.