Determined

After my trip to Tulsa...I have learned things, received contact from certain people.

For starters, I do not feel La Jeanna is lost to me. She is confused right now, struggling to become part of the real world. I think she just needs time to take care of herself. And thinking about things, perhaps I need time as well. If I have gained anything from this situation, it's that she forced me to wake up from a slumber and focus on things that I need to do.

Perhaps this will be good for us, whether it is temporary or permanent. The thoughts running through my mind is that I now need to push myself. I need to better myself. I am worried for her safety...a friend warned me that she recently tried to kill herself by choking herself, and another person managed to stop her. Apparently she promised not to try suicide again, but she has knives hidden in her room, and she has taken to the habit of cutting herself. I want to do something to help her, but right now all I can do is watch and hope somebody else can help her. For the law is preventing me, now, from saving a life. What am I supposed to do with that?

*sighs*
People keep telling me to put her out of my mind, but I cannot. I love her, I truly do, even through all this trouble I have gone through. For thinking about it, she has become the victim here, not me. Not only was I not being a good boyfriend to her, ignoring her in order to play these addicting online games, but now I have caused her this trouble with the restraining order, and other guys who are after her are proving to be not so worthy.

Right now, my goal is to make myself worthy of her attentions, assuming I can get rid of this restraining order. Speaking of which, I found something out. Although La Jeanna is the one who filed it, it is because her parents, and her now-ex-boyfriend's parents forced her to. They threatened her with no longer being able to see this young man, they cajoled her saying "Protect the family, you will be a hero!" I am thoroughly convinced her family is a despicable lot. They were the ones who feared me. They feared for their own skins, not for hers. And if they knew what sort of person I was, they would know that I am a threat to no-one. She doesn't want, and never has wanted, that restraining order. She was forced into it, and she wanted to handle me her way. Now she has to deal with this crap.
I hope the judge takes that into consideration, and I hope that LJ remembers to mention that she doesn't want it. Why does nobody ask what the young people want? Why is it ALWAYS the case, that the older generation knows for a fact what is "best" for us? What is best for one person is not always best for another. But no, they don't listen.
So my first goal, right now, is to get this restraining order squared away somehow. I hope my parents will help me with that...not only because I want to see LJ. Not only because I want LJ to have her freedom back. But because I also don't want employers noticing this on my record in the future! It would cause problems. I refuse to leave this sitting over my head. It damages my identity, and I would have it be undone. If I have to waste the very last of my money to fly or drive up to Tulsa again, to attend this hearing, and defend myself without a lawyer, then I will do it. With, or without, my parent's help. I only hope I can do this with their help.
My parents need to understand that a person can only be helped if they allow the help. You can only help a person do the things he wants to do, unless you can convince him to do something.
Right now, I want to defend against this restraining order, and prove to the judge that it was unnecessary. I am asking for help, for once, with this...but my parents seem loathe to give that help. Why is it, when I ask for help that *I* know I need, help that I want, nobody will give it, but people try to help where it is not welcome?

Once that is clear, I will get a second job, and take as many hours as I can to save up money. Firstly, I will get a car, then an apartment, and then once I have done that, I will feel confident about my ability to survive college on the second attempt. The first two might take around 4 to 6 months, I estimate. Hopefully sooner.
Also, I will push myself to get in shape, as well. I mean, really, if I cannot love myself, how could I expect anybody else to, let alone LJ? I have always wanted to be physically fit again, anyways, so now I have something to drive me.
Yes, that is a vague description of what I am planning to do. I have thought this out with a lot of detail. I have, for once, come up with imaginary numbers, supposing to myself that I couldn't possibly get a lower second wage than McDonald's, and find that the numbers fit for what I believe I will need for a used car, insurance, gas, food, and rent.
I will find out how true my guesses are when I get to that bridge. It will be easier to make decisions when I have possibilities open before me.

I am concerned about my home situation now, as well, for my parents refuse to understand me. It's not that they are not trying. But I have long seen that they would not be able to understand me. Half the time, I don't understand me, and they see the world in black and white. I can't always give a black and white answer. Some questions require me to actually THINK about it, instead of know instinctively.
In fact, my own mother seems to want me out of the house, refusing to accept I am her son. Does that make it easier on you, mother? Since you don't understand the changes I have gone through, don't understand the way I think, don't understand my heart, it is easier for you just to say I am not your son, than to give me a chance?
No, you are wrong. I care a lot. Why else do you think I shut you guys out? I was sick of hearing your disapproval, and I wanted to shut it out, and you never once attempted to encourage me. Maybe encouraging me to be myself, instead of encouraging me to be you, would have led to better things? I don't know. Because you never tried it.
Even before college, I wanted to change my appearance, I wanted to explore other looks, be a different person. I never got to be myself in high school, because I kept worrying about how YOU would react. You stifled me! You stifled my intelligent mind, and my desire to be unique!
Of course I go and hide in my room, slouched over a computer, seeking approval from peers I never meet.

My parents are, of course, convinced I need professional help. I don't believe this. I talked to the people I needed to talk to, got out the feelings I needed to get out. I will go this far though, since they have threatened to kick me out if I don't see somebody. I will agree to go see some "professional" who thinks he can help me, without fully appreciating all sides of the story I am only a small part of...on one condition. If they will agree to help me get this restraining order off my head. And that would only entail attending this hearing in Tulsa, on the 16th. If I fail to defend myself, whether using a lawyer or not, (I don't think I could manage without one, but don't the courts provide one if you cannot afford one?), I won't ask for appeal. I just want this one chance to undo what damage I can. That is all the help I want, for now. I do still want help from my parents with these things...don't get me wrong. I just want to do things my way, otherwise I will only get more confused. Otherwise I will only feel helpless, and rushed, and out of place. For once, I want to belong.

What still rankles my mind is LJ's safety. She cuts herself, I know, though she at least has not done anything serious. Except for one incident where she attempted to choke herself. I want to rush to her side, hold her tight, and comfort her with sweet nothings, as I would comfort a child. I don't know if that would help, but it's better than watching her slip into depression. For now, I will have to believe she finds the help she needs from the people still able to help her. I have to believe, and I have to hope, or I have nothing left. Everybody else has given up on me. My parents pretty much have, from what they have said. I have Eileen and her daughter and her husband, at least, who seem to believe. But I have very few people left who believe in me...and that one song from Staind, Believe, comes to my mind.
Of course...there is only one person I want to believe in me, to trust in me, and that is LJ. Maybe she does believe, and she is just wanting me to prove myself for once...but I cannot know that, cause I cannot have contact with her for now. She cannot tell me what she thinks for now.
And worst of all, I keep thinking that this is all my fault. If I had kept my mouth shut, even flying up as early as I did, there would be no restraining order. I would have met with her, we could have crawled the mall, unable to buy anything but still having fun. I could have afforded a movie theater perhaps...or bought her food that she will actually eat. Not that she is doing much eating...another thing that worries me. Her figure is amazing now, but she doesn't eat! I hope she feels good enough to eat soon.
I was freaking out, Saturday night, as I *tried* to go to sleep...about how this was all my fault. That she has tried to kill herself because I ruined things with my short temper. I keep thinking she would still be happy with Dustin, if I just had not said anything rash to him. If I had just kept my mouth shut...
But I cannot blame myself. I am not the only one who made decisions, and caused things to take place. I have to believe that things will get better. It is all I can do right now, or else give in to despair. I would rather believe.

I did find out one thing, recently, as well. She has re-initiated her idea of a "death date." In other words, she sets a day, years in the future, where she plans to die. Where she plans to kill herself. I am guessing it will be her 23rd birthday, or her 24th...I only hope I can convince her to give up on it before it is too late. Or I hope some professional helps her through it. I don't want her to die.
Especially...if she does go through with it, I will have nobody to blame but myself...

I did get to speak with her, once, before the restraining order was officially served to me, though. Before it was made valid. What nobody seems to understand is that LJ has not completely abandoned me. She still wants me in her life. She wants to call me friend, now, and she is actually considering dating me once more. Admittedly, not immediately. Not now. She needs time to be herself, and time to explore. How much time, she doesn't know. Nobody does. But I will give her time to choose. She has asked me to wait, because she still holds feelings for me, and maybe she thinks I will change and get better because of this. So I will wait, for the time being. In 6 months, maybe a year...as soon as I can, I still want to move to Tulsa. If I am living in Tulsa, it will be easier for LJ to be able to try and date me, and we could get to know each other in person.
No, I am not throwing my life away. I am not betting my whole life on this one girl. I would like to, but I am not. I am driving myself for her, yes. I will better myself for her, yes. But the goals I have are not so damaging as you would believe. Ignore that a girl is involved, and the idea is sound, other than I am moving to Tulsa. Though...consider that OU is in Tulsa. I saw the campus myself. I would not mind giving them a chance. Once I was somewhat familiar with the area, I was actually comfortable driving around. Now my curiosity, like the insatiable wanderlust of a kender, is urging me to explore this world more, the world LJ has lived in most of her life. I always did want a good adventure. Why not there, in that quiet little town?

No, I am not deluding myself. I know that La Jeanna is likely to choose another guy and move on from me, continuing to say I'm just a nice friend, but I missed my chance. And I am prepared to accept that. For now, I see that the door is still open. She is a feeling person. Just because she is with another guy, maybe goes through several others guys, does not mean she does not regret leaving me. Does not mean she has stopped caring, and given up on me. She doesn't know if it was the right choice or not, from what I could understand from her. She just feels this is something we both need.

And I don't deny that. Already I am determined to improve my life. I can see that, as depressed and self-loathing as she is, she will try to improve her life as well. So some good will come of this, and as such, I can feel confident as I wait, that it is right for me to wait and see what comes to pass.
I am determined. I will better myself, if for nothing else than because I love a girl. In the end, what matters is that I get better and improve and learn.

Besides, you all know the saying. "If you love them, let them go." I didn't do a very good job of letting go, but I will do so now. She needs her freedom, freedom to make her choices. And I do love her. So all I can do is hope that, some day, she may return. She may not. I get that. I don't know why everybody feels the need to repeat that. I'm not THAT dense, so LJ may tell you I am.
The difference is, I can recognize that there is still a possibility. Realistically, there is one. It is not a delusional, desperate hope. I see it's possible.

All is not lost. I thoroughly believe that. I ask only, of my friends and family, that you don't give up on my dream either. Because you don't know LJ the way I do. Few people do...and even I have a lot to learn. I am not going to throw my life away for her, no. I am only going to keep trying for the door, as long as it is open. And it IS still open.

I don't know what else to say. Peace.

Gone

So she's gone...really, truly gone from my life. I feel so empty now. You never know how much you need a person until they are gone.

She told me to stay away and never talk to her again...and all I can do is obey that.

I only hope she can take care of herself and stay safe. And try to be happy for herself.

Because that would make one of us.

Goodbye, LJ, if you read this blog. Hopefully it doesn't last forever...but I won't delude myself. You never want anything to do with me, ever again...and it's all my fault.

And no, I'm not making myself out to be the victim...everybody has been hurt by this, LJ most of all. That doesn't make it hurt me any less though.

Please, LJ, if you read this...don't let this last forever. Take as long as you need, keep me away as long as you want, but I still want friendship with you. I'll wait years, if I must.

You're an amazing woman...I just hope you can see that one day, too.

And now it's time for me to go wallow in misery, until my plane flight comes. Then I can go wallow in misery back home.

Relief

Although the pain and suffering is not yet over, I am feeling relived...and the pain that was gripping my chest, and causing me unusual physical weakness, seems to have finally lifted. LJ has finally spoken to me again, and has expressed that she does want to see me, although everybody else in her life has expressed that they dislike it. Knowing that she still cares for me, and sees me as a friend, means so much to me, that I think I can continue with my life in high hopes for the future. Specifically, hopes that maybe this bad situation will turn back around. I will always hope that someday she will take me back. I won't expect it to happen, but I will still hope for it.

It still seems so odd to me that I had felt almost as though I had a cold, or worse...until LJ finally contacted me. I would sleep restlessly at night, soaked in sweat, and during the day I was always too cold or too hot...I was always congested, with headaches, and felt extremely weak, sometimes even dizzy. I think I understand, now, that this was a sickness of the soul. I never imagined that it could affect you physically, at least so strongly, but well...there are still mysteries to discover in this life. The moment I finally got LJ's answer, that she does want to see me when I go up to visit tomorrow...I felt better. I can't explain it any other way than that this was emotional torment, tearing at my soul, rather than my body. And now being relieved, and feeling less troubled, I have healed.

She did have to remind me that she cares for everybody, and that she cares for Dustin above all others right now. That I shouldn't let it get to my head. That hurts more than words can express. She used to care for me so much, that she would spend hours staring at the computer screen, waiting for me to come home. I never wanted her to forsake all her friends for me, but I miss that I once meant that much to her. And it hurts that now she cares for him that much...that she already trusts him to do sexual things together. (I should mention here that, though I know that they have, and are, doing such things, I will never hold it against her.) It hurts that I've been replaced so abruptly, and before I could see it happening.
For now, I will just have to respect her wishes, and her choices, and hope that one day she can change her choice. I only hope that all her family, and Dustin and his family, can respect her that much as well. For it is HER life, not theirs. If she chooses to be my friend, Dustin will just have to accept it. And if one day, she does somehow separate from him, he will need to accept that as well. Just as I will respect her wishes if she chooses to remain friends with him afterward.
And no, I'm not saying this all WILL happen, although I will hold that belief in my heart, always. I'm just talking possibilities. If I cannot hold this belief and hope, then I would have to give in to pain and depression. And I cannot allow that to happen to me again.

I was wavering before in my determination to stay true to her, even as she dates other guys, but I know for sure now that I will. Maybe that is what was tearing me apart at the soul. That I wanted to remain true to her, but that it was starting to look as if I would not be able to. However, I shall always remain as her guardian, and her protector, even if I can never be more than a friend to her. To me, that is true love and true devotion...choosing to love somebody unconditionally. How many people can claim that they love their boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife, without any condition whatsoever? How many can claim they would remain true to the person they love in a similar situation? If she were to tell me she hates me (she has done so in fights in fact!) I would still love her. Can any of you out there say you would still love such a person? Can any of you claim unconditional love of your partner, to that degree? It may seem foolish to most people, but I think I'd rather be a fool than a sage, if this marks me as a fool.

I just know that I would be happiest in my life if I remain true to her this way. I will continue to count my blessings, instead of bemoaning that which I have been denied, and that which I don't have. And I will continue to hope, and believe, that good things will continue happen to me. For I will always love her this strongly. I refuse to let it go, and it is my choice to keep that love in my heart.

It strikes me as amusing that LJ once told me she is more like Usha from Dragonlance, than any other character from that series. She mentioned this once, when I said that I seem to be a lot like Caramon, and even more like Tanis. I tried to imply that she was like Tika in some ways, and in a lot of ways like Laurana as well. Her retort was that she was more like Usha, and that she had just finished the War of Souls series, as though to seal the deal. Now that I am finally re-reading those stories...what sticks out in my mind is the time Usha did not remain true to Palin Majere. In the end, though, Palin was her first and truest love, and even if she did not love him for a time, they did reconcile and get back together. So I am hoping for now that she is more like Usha than she realizes. Not that I can expect it...but I can hope for it. What's wrong with hoping? Humanity thrives on hopes and dreams.
And though it may take some time to shake the notion of me being similar to Caramon and Tanis from my head, I am reading about Palin again. Maybe I am just being a romantic, but hey, something's gotta keep me going. Palin also has qualities that remind me of myself, and he is just as young as I am. And also just as not-so-physically inclined, though he was at least well-built and largely built.

Judge me as you will. A fool, or a hopeless romantic, or whatever you may be thinking. This is my choice...and this is the way I want to live my life. It will definitely bring happiness to my life, even if that happiness is tinted slightly with sadness and pain. For I will always hold out the hope that my patience and devotion will one day be rewarded. And even if it's not...well, there's always the next life. Just as I choose to devote myself to her, I will choose to be happy with what I get. Whether it's only her friendship, or if one day she can love me once more.

So yeah...my hopes restored, I think I will continue making plans to move to Tulsa. But maybe I'll consider waiting until she's at least 19, though I wouldn't mind being able to celebrate at her birthday party. And hey, if her friends, or even her boyfriend, do not throw her a party, by god I know I will. I think I would enjoy such a life. I think Liz would miss me being at her 15th, but I know she'd understand.
I've looked at some potential jobs already, and apartments up there, but it is too early to think about that, cause positions don't usually remain open for so long. But I am hoping and believing that I will also find the right kind of job up there for me, not that I care what I get. Hell, I saw a job that was offering pay at $10-20/hr...and was totally in my ballpark skill-wise. When I finally move up there, if I can find anything remotely as good, then I think I will be able to carry out my life up there as I want. For I'm not giving up on a college education yet. I've just had to postpone it a little. If it means night classes at an Oklahoma college, that's what I'll do! I'll do what it takes to stay near LJ, so that I can carry out my promise of being there for her as guardian.
I can promise I'll at least wait until early February as my earliest move. Three months, no less, all right? I will also promise this. If LJ expresses strongly that she doesn't want me to move up there, and live nearby her, (even though she expressed many times in the past that she wanted me to do so), then I won't. It's her choice, after all, as to whether or not I get to be a part of her life. But if she will accept me as guardian and friend, I will take up that position gladly, and with pride. Just because I can't be her lover, doesn't mean I can't be there for her.

Why do I promise so freely to be there for her, when I could probably find another girl much more easily? Because I care that much about LJ. How can there be anything wrong with caring? I want to make sure that she is always taken care of. Sure, Dustin may be there for her right now, and she just might be in good hands. But I just want to be up there to make sure. Especially if I need to catch her. And hey, if she actually asks for my help with something, I'll be quick to say yes. I've got to protect my kitten, especially now that she is growing up. Well, she may not be my kitten any more...but that doesn't mean I'll stop protecting her. I will never stop protecting her, unless she tells me to.

So please, even if you don't agree with my choices, respect that these are my choices, and what I am wanting to do with my life for now. If you don't agree with it, sure, share your opinion on the matter, tell me what YOU think. But don't try to tell me what I "should" do, or anything similar. Don't act like you know what's best for me. Don't get too pushy about it, especially. Just as I will respect her choice to be with another boy, (I refuse to call him a man until he shows maturity and responsibility to me, and he has yet to do so), besides me, I ask that any who read my blog please also respect my life choices.

Not much more to say without being ridiculously repetitive. Peace out.