Miserable

I have never been more miserable, or felt more defeated, in my entire life. I have been betrayed before, but none of them has ever really hurt me, thinking back on them. But this...this hurts me to the core of my being. It will be with me, and affect me, for the rest of my life. I never even got to say goodbye to her...

I am willing to accept at this point that I will never be with her again, and I am willing to accept that she doesn't want anything to do with me, but...

I want to be able to say goodbye. I don't know why everybody is against me saying goodbye, but I want it so very much, I would sell myself into slavery for it. I don't care what I have to do, what I have to give up, I just want to say goodbye to her. And nobody is willing to grant me that!

At the very least, I want her to tell me to go away, and to stay away. Cause the last time I heard from her, she told me she wanted to be my friend. And that she was willing to keep in touch with me. If things have changed between us since then, I at least want her to tell me that much. I won't even respond to what she says, I want to hear her say it to me. Or I want her to send me an e-mail saying as much, at the very least!

I don't know why I can't even get this much...why is it such a big deal? I don't understand what's going on anymore, and why everybody is taking such big steps in this. I regret what I said to Dustin...so much that I have actually considered just letting them beat me to death.

But...my god, I have never been brought to tears more than this, and I am not usually a person who cries. I always fight them back, but I can't this time. I have never been more willing to humiliate myself, and more willing to slave myself to others, than right now. I understand, mostly, they want me to stay away, but is it really so much to ask that I say goodbye? That I get the chance to have her tell me herself to get away and stay away?

I just...I want nothing more than that. I hope for nothing more than that. I have even given up on my dreams of moving to Tulsa. I was originally going to move up there, and even stay away from her permanently while living up there, on the hopes that I can actually be THERE for her if she ever decides to come back to me. But I see now that it's not ever going to happen.

I don't blame her for it, either...everybody in her life is interfering to the point that it's hurting her more than helping. And I'm a horrible person anyways, unworthy of being loved. All I want...right now...I would gladly give my life for it...is to say goodbye to her. Because I know I'll never see her again. I want to be able to hold the memory of her face in my mind for all eternity.

I don't know why everybody is making such a big deal out of one pathetic, lovesick fool...all I know is that I will never be able to love anybody else, ever again...

I am feeling so miserable that I can't sleep. I can't eat. My body is sweating in the coldest weather, but my skin has goosebumps, and I am shaking and chattering and clattering. I can barely hide this from my parents. I can't think about anything but her. Not only can I not eat, but I can't even taste my food. All of it tastes vile, and disgusting, to my tongue. Even if I didn't quit video games, I can't enjoy them anymore. I can't enjoy a book, because my eyes just tear up and get blurry, before I can read more than a page. It brings me no joy anyways, because I keep thinking about her. I am constantly getting headaches, and meds bring no relief to me. Because these headaches come from the soul, because this pain and sickness comes from my soul, no physical help will heal me.

I don't know how to cure this malady...I don't know if anything could. I don't know what to do! All I want is to say goodbye...all I want is some closure, and everybody is treating me like some sort of horrible criminal because of it! Why is this such a big deal?! Why can't I say goodbye, when she means so much to me! I would accept ANY conditions these people would put on me, if they just allowed me to say to her the one sentence, "Goodbye, La Jeanna...I will always love you." Once I have said that, I will never try to contact her ever again, and I will never set foot in Tulsa again.

Please...LJ, if you're reading this. I know you don't want to talk to me. I GET that. But I beg you. I BEG you. Give me this much. Give me the chance to say goodbye to you. Or tell me yourself, even if it's just an e-mail or a Facebook message. That you never want contact with me, ever again. Please...it's all I need to be able to get through this. Please help me that much? I know you don't hate me...I hope you don't. Please, just help me get through this, and I will leave you alone forever. Please, I am begging you...

I know anybody who reads this will think I'm pathetic, and that I probably even deserve to die, but she has beat me down that painfully...I feel like I'm pathetic, so I'm not going to try to argue that point. I just know that this is the worst pain I have ever felt, and that I will never truly recover from it. I am just hoping I can say goodbye, and see her face one last time. I'm even willing to stay 20 yards, or even 30 yards, away from her. If I have to shout it to her across a big grassy field, or if I have to say it to her through a dozen gigantic bodyguards with guns, I would accept that. ANY condition...any chance to say that one final sentence, and I will go away. Forever. Never to return. Just because suicide is part of that plan, shouldn't mean that I don't deserve the chance to say goodbye.

At this point, I'm feeling like death would be more merciful than the pain I am suffering right now. The only thing preventing me from going through with that is the love of the only two friends I have in the world.

All I want is this small bit of closure...she doesn't even have to answer me, or look at me. She can pretend I'm never there, and she can choose not to hear me say it. I just want to be able to say it to her. I'll do it at the airport, before passing through the metal detectors even. You can have her surrounded by armed police. Anything. Just let me say goodbye.

I don't care how pathetic I am sounding...I am desperate...I love her still, so very much...and I have never hated myself more, for not seeing this coming.

Just so you know

Considering what I once heard LJ mention, and now this anonymous blogger comment, I feel I need to explain myself a little bit.

Although I have said, many times, that I want to hurt this boy that LJ is now dating...the truth is I never would. I can't bring myself to hurt another person, for one thing. For another, I care a lot about LJ. And she has somehow decided she cares for this boy. That alone prevents me from ever laying a hand on him, because I don't want to hurt her by beating him up.

I am just hurt and upset, and I am speaking without thinking. We have all been there at one point in our lives, I'm sure. I think you know exactly what it's like to be too angry to not say such things. It doesn't help that she let him goad me on and talk about eating her pussy to make her squirm all over the bed and insult me repeatedly. Yes, the part about him eating her out is an almost direct quote. If you want the direct quote, I can go grab it for you. I don't know what sort of legal ramifications goading people on in the hopes of being threatened happen to be, but I can promise you he was talking shit to me before I was talking shit to him, and I have the archives to prove it.

Just because I have expressed desire to hurt this guy, doesn't mean I'll actually carry out such wishes. I may despise Dustin, but I am going there to be a friend to LJ, not to be an enemy to Dustin, if that makes any sense to you. I am going there to see her face. To hear her speak. Hopefully to hug her. I wish I could kiss her, but I know she won't go for it, and so I won't even try. I also need to show her who I am. I need to show her that I am a good person, and that I will try my best to be a good loyal friend to her, even if this guy is exactly where I want to be.

You don't need to get the cops involved, unless you believe that he will attack me first. If I am able to claim self-defense, your situation will turn out bad for you, and not for me. So don't get the cops involved unless you're afraid for my safety. Because I will not be throwing the first punch. In fact, I won't throw any punches. If he attacks me and I don't respond, I can get him sent to juvi for assault. So look at it from that angle.

In the end, I just want to see somebody I care about with all my heart and soul. And, more than anything, I need this chance to see the truth, and give her a chance to see the truth in my heart.

I meant what I said in the response to your comments in the last post: call me, and let's talk about this like adults. I would have called you a long time ago, in fact, if I hadn't lost your number. Give me a chance to explain myself, and what I hope to accomplish, and let me show you that there is nothing to be afraid of.

Correction: I have since found the number again, after much effort, and even called...but I still would like to talk more about this. I just want my side to be understood for once...because I am not a bad guy, and I would never ever do anything to hurt LJ. She means more to me than my own life. I would sooner kill myself than lay a hand on her. I am just hoping to get some closure and peace of mind, without any trouble. Is that so hard to ask? She has already expressed that she is willing to be my friend and talk to me about things...so let her make this decision. She is a grown woman now, even if mostly naive. I just need to see her one last time, before I can move on.

Decision

For the first time in my life, I have felt true terror touch my heart. I've lost friends...I've failed in life multiple times..I've lost loyal pets, and family members. And none of them really touched my heart. I was sad, a little, but I moved on without a second thought. I don't know why they never affected me, and it confused me, but that's the way of it.

But now, something has touched my heart so painfully, that I think I may have had a heart attack or two as a result. I'm not completely sure, but my chest is constricted and painful. La Jeanna, the girl I love more than the rest of the world combined, has actually left me for another boy. A boy a year younger than her, and shorter than her even, if I remember correctly. Emphasis on boy, rather than guy or man, because he has not shown any maturity in this situation.

I feel terror for her, more than I do for me. Cause I can recognize that this is a mistake, even if she can't. I've made my share of my mistakes, so I know a thing or two about 'em. I feel terror that she will be hurt, that she is going through this trial in life, and I might not be there for her to back into. Maybe this other boy will be somewhat protective of her, but there is no way he can replace me in that role. I want nothing more than to be by her side, providing her support for when she feels weary of her path in life. And I feel terror for me, cause I can do nothing but watch from the sidelines. I want so much to be there pushing her on, catching her when she falters, giving her a shoulder to lean on when she starts to limp.

But I'm not going to roll over and take this...I can't just give up this easily, when this is the one thing in my life that truly matters. She means more than the world to me...I can't just move on from this. So I'm going to fly up to Tulsa soon and talk to her in person.

As much as this hurts, I don't feel any anger towards her...nor any hate. I just feel loss, and I feel compassion, because I see that she is also hurting. Even though she is happy with this guy, she has told me in her own words that she doesn't know what she's feeling or what she wants. That she feels empty and numb. And my heart aches for her, knowing that, because I want to help her so bad. I want to support her and be her strength. I want to be her knight. I remember she once called me her Dark Knight...

I am willing, for now, to stay just a friend...and though it pains me to have to go through that, I cannot make myself abandon her completely. I know that this will end badly for her. I don't just hope or wish that, I know it will. Now that I've calmed down from the initial shock, and taken the time to mull things over, I can see that this won't end well for anybody involved.

So I'm going to give up video games for good now. It's been a long time coming, and I should have done it a long time ago, when I realized how much it bothered LJ. Instead I will force myself to get back into daily exercise. I kinda miss it, to be honest, and I wouldn't mind being fit and trim once more. And once I get back from Tulsa, I'm going to force myself to get a second job and make as much money as I can, as fast as I can. The more money I make, the sooner I can move to Tulsa.

Yes, you heard me. My ultimate goal from this day forward is LJ. I will devote myself to her, even if I can't be anything more than a friend. Some people say that's stupid, or wrong, or immoral. But what greater good can there be but to give yourself completely to somebody you truly care about, even if you're just a friend? The days of chivalry and honor may be long gone in this world, but this girl means more to me than life itself. I will be there, in person, waiting, for when she falls, and I will catch her, and hold her in my warm embrace once more.

I realize now my mistake in pressuring her to come down to Texas with me, when I should have been thinking about moving there. This means moving to Tulsa, ASAP. I plan to pull this off before her 19th birthday, so I've only got a few months to save up money for the move, and for the interval where I don't have a job. Hopefully I can save up the needed money to also purchase a used car, so I don't have to rely on public transit, but that's not as essential. In fact, I will consider pulling out a loan for the move. More debt is bad, yes, but you have to understand that I would sell my soul to the highest bidder to be there for her. I will try to not stoop to a temporary loan, but it's an option I am considering.

And once I'm up there, if I find I can afford it, I'll also be sure to start taking college classes once more. Not exactly the best schools, no. Not exactly the best plan to get my life in order. But this is something I have to do. I must prove myself to her, even if it means waiting for this other guy to get out of the picture.

I have never been more sure of my feelings for her, and for once, the path before me is laid bare, and I know what I must do. I know what I must strive for, and what my goals are. Surely that is a good thing.

I admit that there are more fish in the sea, but this is my decision. This is my choice. I would never forgive myself for abandoning her, when things fall apart for her, as they once did for me. For I see myself in her, back before I'd moved back in with my parents, so I know how she feels. I also know that no matter who I end up dating by then, if I ever do, I will end up hurting them. For if I see that LJ is hurt, whether she dumped him or vice versa, I will have to go to her. I can't devote myself to anybody else for fear of causing people more pain and suffering. It is my one condition about my relationships: I have to be able to give myself completely to that person. LJ is such a big part of me, placed in the most vital parts of my heart, that I cannot give up on her.

And so, for better or for worse, do I quit video games. I admit, I might keep playing still, for the moment, but after this trip to go see her, when I pledge this to her with my own voice, on my knees, I will give them up for good. And for better or worse, do I push myself to my limits. I will force my body to be as fit as it once was. I'm no athlete, but I'm going to burn off the fat college decided to gift to me. The moment I get back from my temporary trip to Tulsa, I am grabbing a second job and working as hard as I can, if it fucking kills me. Because I have never been more sure of the road I want to take than I am now.

Not much more to say about this. Peace.

Possible mistake?

I have spoken at length with someone I hold dear to my heart, and she has said many things that drive deep bleeding wounds into my heart. But I have never been more sure of my love for her than I am now, and I refuse to give in so easily. I will prove myself to her, and prove that I am worthy of still being loved, if it kills me...if I have to kill someone myself. I would gladly walk the deepest parts of Hell for this love.

Many will say I am being a fool, and that I should have let go, long ago. But the things that have happened between us, the trials we have been through, are too great in order to just let go. I see this as our final, greatest trial, or else we are doomed to forever separate. For this time, as opposed to all the others, she is doing the unthinkable - she has fallen for another, or so she claims to believe, and now sees me as just a friend to care for. But I know my mistakes, and I know the person I am supposed to be, and I will not give in to this failure so easily!

Though I may lose her no matter what...though I may have already lost her, irretrievable, I will make every effort, and struggle through any obstacle, to try and win back her heart. She is trying to deny it. I can hear it in her voice, and in the way she hesitates, and how hard this is on her already. She still feels for me, deeply, but she treats me as though I am not who I should be.

I do not think I could properly explain the situation in words, but I hear a voice inside me, something pushing me forward. I know that I must at least try. At the very least, for my efforts to fail, I know I will have tried! There is honor in that, at least.

And so I make plans to purchase a plane ticket to Oklahoma, and possibly a hotel room, depending on the circumstances with people I know in that area, to ensure I have a place to sleep. This may be a fool's quest, but I have to do this. If not to win her back, then for simple closure.

I feel very strongly for her, and I cannot fully explain why, but it is there. My soul burns for her, and I long to comfort her sorrows and pains so that she may be at peace with the world around her. If I can prove to her that I am worthy of her attentions, this trip will be worth all the effort, all the risk...and the suffering this past year will have finally been for something good.

If she is truly lost to me, I fear my heart will shatter for true this time. I know I cannot take this. I have made such dire statements before, I admit...but this time I can feel it. My heart is on the verge of collapse, and I cannot seem to sleep for the thoughts running through my head. Thoughts of what I must do to get to her, what I must say to her, whether I should hurt this Dustin, how to get her to turn away from him, if it's even possible to accomplish my greatest hope...it's a never-ending stream of plotting and planning and predicting.

Believe me, when I say, though I have cared for other girls, there is something about this one that makes my blood burn and my soul itself cry out. It is only when you have lost that which keeps you together, that you truly realize how important it is. My eyes are fully open, and I see now, if I never saw before. And I see that this girl, this LJ, is my very lifeblood, my very drive for existence. My very purpose in pushing myself onward to a better life.

I am afraid, without her love and support, I may fall into so deep a darkness as to never crawl out, no matter how many people try to drag me back into the light.

It has been said that there comes a time a person must risk his life, nay, his very soul, for something he truly believes in.

If I believe in anything, I believe in my love of her...and I want nothing more than to give her this love to the end of my life, however soon or far that may be.

Judge me as you will, it matters little to me. It is only the judgment of this one soul, this one girl, that means anything to me. And it will make me...or it will break me.

le gasp!

For those of you who actually read books, the way I do, and love George R. R. Martin's work...

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Yes. Let your jaw drop.

Friendships Lost

Stumbled across this poem at work that, after reading through it only once, truly expresses the way I'm feeling right now. I was originally thinking I could try writing a new poem for the first time in...well, forever, as far as I can tell. But I couldn't write it any better than this.

link

Friendships Lost (Scars That Can Never Heal) © 1996 Bronwyn P

I see your smile
I know your mind
No words need be said
I understand.

Focused on each other
We listen and we care
Laughter ripples like water
Together, we are.

Others are here, yes,
And we value them, yes,
But a special bond remains,
A line between us two.

Each friendship is special
Each is unique
And so is ours
We know.

And then time begins to roll
and rear it’s ugly head
Change begins
Now a little less than before.

Slowly, surely,
Not knowing why
Faster, stronger, without care
Our world shifts and shimmers and splits.

Shattered shards cascade down
Spurred by angry, lashing words
Contorted faces, stone deaf ears
Outside the whirlwind,
We die inside.

The scars run deep
Jagged clefts in our souls
We have suceeded in hurting
And hurt ourselves.

So you move on
And I remain
We keep on living
Turn our faces apart.

Now I glance across
At you from outside
Shaded eyes dry with tears
New friends, new life.

Laughter, smiling (clenched teeth)
The flippant toss of the head
The enclosure surrounds you
I cannot come near.

From behind my glass window
I know more than those within
I see the hurt in your eyes
I know the pain in your smile
I have been there before - I love you
Why do you pretend?

I hate to see your pain
And I cry inside
Tears deep within my soul
I cannot help you anymore.

What we had once
We can never have again.

The scars run deep,
But I still care.

You were my friend.

Full Circle

And so I come full circle, in the world of MMOs, right back to WoW. It was totally spontaneous, but it seems I'll be playing World of Warcraft again, now that the expansion is out. May as well get to 80 and see what's changed, eh? I got nothing better to do. I might just quit again after reaching level 80 anyways.

But logging back in again, for the first serious attempt at playing the game in weeks, brings up a lot of old feelings to the surface, and breaks open old wounds as though they're still fresh.
Seeing my guild mostly deserted is not surprising. I expected it, and welcome it. It failed even before I stopped playing. It's part of the reason I stopped playing to begin with. Either the people in WoW are all total idiots who don't deserve my patience, or I just don't know how to run a guild. It's probably the latter. It feels like I'm missing some important quality that guild leaders possess. All I know is that I could never get people online when I needed them to be online, and I could never recruit the people I needed to recruit. As much as I may envision dreams of glorious raiding with a guild at my back, I must give up on that dream and disband the old Hordecore Pwnstars.
It was never really my guild anyways. It was always Leslie's guild. Perhaps that's why it failed. But more than that, it was my first fun guild, where I had real friends to play with. I still miss those days, because I had genuine friends in the guild that I could talk to. If I gained a level, announcing it in guild chat but congratulatory cries. If I needed help in an instance, or some sort of advice, or just to talk, I could find somebody, assuming I was online at a normal hour. That's what made WoW fun for me in the early days.
God do I miss those days...it's amazing where Internet drama can take you. Leslie has a new guild now, at least, so I feel less regret in disbanding this one. Her new guild even has a name that's not stupid.

But just being reminded of Leslie's existence makes me feel miserable. It brings up the old feelings and the old memories, of things that happened in the past 14 months. Not a very large amount of time, but a lot certainly happened, and a lot changed.
I both remember when she and I were close, and remember the old feelings of betrayal. It creates a very confusing mix of depression and hatred within me that I just don't know how to deal with. One thing's for sure: I still can't bring myself to try befriending her again. The wounds still feel fresh to me.

I may go so far as to transfer to another server. Is that the smart thing to do, or does it mean I'm running away from my pain? Is it wrong to run from it, or should I confront it? Am I truly in error in the end, and should I just forgive and forget? I doubt I could do that. Just being reminded of Snorri, and I get reminded just by being reminded that Leslie exists, makes me feel this miserable. It doesn't make sense to feel this way, but I do, and I can't change it.
I've been on this server so long, it feels like home. I wonder if the misery caused by Leslie and her boyfriend is enough to run me out of my home.
But then, is it really even home? Tristan is my only real friend on the server anymore. Hakuro and I are still friendly, if not friends. He and I were never big on socializing though, and I doubt he'd miss me much. I have no guild worth mentioning. And I doubt I could find a guild I would truly enjoy being in. The one guild that would work for me, if it weren't for the guild leader and her boyfriend, is not one I'll ever consider. I'm even going to make it a point of contention to never play with any member of that guild, with the exception of Tristan. I can trust her, at least.

It seems even after all these months, I can't get over what happened. It's probably the case that I still care about Leslie, somewhere...somehow. Otherwise, why would it bother me to know she got the collector's edition of the expac right away? Why would it bother me to know that she's leveling in Northrend with her boyfriend at her side? Why would it bother me to know that he still logs onto her account to do the things she doesn't want to do? Why would my mind be buzzing to know if she actually did go to Blizzcon or not?
If I do still care, it's being thoroughly covered up by the pain of my sorrow and hatred. I don't know what that means anymore, but it's certainly frustrating. I was hoping that I could be as passionless as metal when faced with Leslie leveling through the same zones as me. False hopes, of course. It seems like I won't ever move on from this. Maybe there's a way, but I do not think there's a way that I'd be willing to try.
Why am I so disappointed to find them still together? The 30th of this month will be their 7th month anniversary. Why does that bother me? Why do I bother to remember the date at all? More false hopes. I must be an expert at hurting my own soul.

Sigh.

I know news involving WoW is dull and boring to most of you people who ever bother to read about boring old me, so...well, there's not much more news beyond that I guess. My life is pretty uneventful, you see. I suppose I can ramble on about *something* though.

I have been trying for the past week or so to arrange for LJ to visit me for Thanksgiving, but it seems it's just not going to be able to happen. Not for lack of LJ wanting to come down, but it seems her mother still has some amount of control on her life and her decisions. A real shame, cause her mother is rather demented. At least I spend less money this way, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
The main reason I was hoping to bring her down is the concert on the 26th. I mean, seriously, who could pass up Staind, Seether, and Papa Roach all on one stage? Since I've never been to a concert, this seems as good a time as any to experience my first one. And may many more come after that.

It doesn't help that LJ may be slipping through my fingers. For once, it seems she's showing interest in other guys. Only a little interest, and probably a bit my fault since we haven't been getting along exactly perfect. But she has still admitted it. Just more salt in the old wounds of my mistake in leaving her for Leslie to begin with. Ironic, ain't it? That after I finally get hurt by Leslie, and limp back to LJ like a dog with a broken leg, that LJ does what I'd been trying to get her to do since I met Leslie. The fates really are cruel to me, it seems. My romantic life must be the butt of a cruel joke. But all I can do in the face of this is hope and pray that I don't lose LJ that way. I don't think what's left of my shattered soul could really take it.
I certainly would prefer to stay with her. After all we've been through...if we really can survive this mistake I made involving Leslie, then we can surely get our relationship through anything. Right?
Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. After all, she's confused, and she's struggling with life as much as I am. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about...besides, trust is important in a relationship. As is communication.

Other than that bothersome drama...yes, my romantic life is very melodramatic it seems, and somehow it all mostly happens long distance. Fate really is that cruel to me. Or maybe I'm just cruel to myself!
Other than all that drama, the rest of my life is sluggishly moving forward. I'm working at my job, probably one of their best employees, and still no promotions. I *would* be considering going out to get a used car with the money I've made so far, perhaps having enough to pay off half of it now and the rest over time. But I have a $1152 debt to pay off to Longhorn Landing, so my car-purchasing plans must be pushed back a bit. Not sure when I'll get the guts to go through with it again. Maybe I should do the smart thing and start up another job search, hoping to find a place with better pay.
And who knows when I'll actually get my own place to live! There's no way I can afford an apartment on my own, with this meager wage. I'm still largely counting on getting LJ to move in with me to be able to get a place outside of my parent's home. But with how her mother reacted to the idea of a Thanksgiving week visit, I'm not sure how soon that will be possible. Not to mention LJ's own inner doubts and fears, which are very strong factors in most of her decisions.

All I can do is keep pushing forward, keep trying. I refuse to take college classes again until I have my own place to live. I don't want my parents breathing down my neck anymore, because it's become very stifling. I realized way too late it was a mistake to leave Austin and my job up there. I should've just set down like a soldier and pushed myself forward when I was up there. I had a cheap apartment, after all, and the job paid well. If I'd opened my eyes, I would've seen that I was even enjoying the job. My only problem was my inability to acquire a driver's license. And I should've been able to deal with that.
I guess I just felt too defeated after everything that happened with Leslie. Far too defeated to think straight, or even care. And matters only got worse in the months after leaving Austin.

Too late now. I need to stop thinking about the past and move forward. Otherwise I may get too depressed to even stand still. If I remember how hurt I'm really feeling inside, I'll lose the courage I need to keep moving forward. Giving up will just seem too wonderful of a way out.

But I really can't ignore the past, when it keeps rearing it's ugly head at me again and again in the present...what's a Scorpio to do?

It's a shame, really...I know that anybody who happens to read this will look at it and think me incredibly stupid. And think that they know what I should do.
Well...let me remind you that it's not easy to do what you should do, because it is rarely what you want to do. It is never easy to do what you should do. I've run into that problem so many times since graduating high school...
I can only hope that one day, someday in the future, I can find the happiness that makes all this misery worth the trouble. The universe is supposed to be balance...it's the main driving force in the universe. Or so that's what I've been believing. I have to keep believing that...

I think I'll stop here for now. Not much more to say that isn't repetitive ramblings of my brain. Peace out.

Space and beyond

I was thinking, rather uncharacteristically I should add, about worldly problems this morning, while going about my morning routine. I found myself thinking about oil and gasoline and how it's a non-renewable fuel source. I had a sudden realization about it, that I also realize few people seem to think or worry about.

Most people, when they think about gas being non-renewable, think about how it means we one day cannot rely on gas to fuel our cars. But the problem is a bit larger than that. One day, we cannot rely on gas to fuel our airplanes or space shuttles. It's obvious nobody is working on that problem, because nobody has been spouting news stories about research airplane fuel technologies. Well, maybe one or two involving algae, but nothing that anybody really paid attention to.

Not only will we not be able to drive to work tomorrow, or deliver grocery stock to stores via 18-wheelers, but we won't be able to fly from Chicago to Japan, or even to California or anywhere. You people who have used gas-powered generators before, for those major power outages? Those will be gone, because there won't be any gas.

And then think about the space shuttle. I haven't done my research on this, but I'm pretty sure they measure their fuel by weight, or possibly mass, rather than in gallons. Because they need a lot of gas just to get into orbit. And let the thinking continue, off to Mars. Not only would it take a lot of gas to get humans there, but it would take a lot to get back as well. Think about it: what if we try to colonize other worlds and discover there's no oil? No way to make gas at all? Wouldn't we end up being stranded? It's probably why nobody has bothered to try a moon base, or to send a human expedition to Mars: fuel.

It's certainly a big problem that I think we need to pay more attention to. People are worried about saving endangered wildlife and deforesting and stuff. But the bigger problem is gasoline. It would also probably prove beneficial to those problems as well, if we could replace gasoline, since we would no longer need to drill for oil, (that's the idea at least).
Forget all this talk of hybrids. Coming up with hybrids only prolongs the problem. People need to do some real work on coming up with cars that need no gas whatsoever, and the sooner the better.

The sooner we do that, the sooner we can stop funding terrorists by buying their oil.

Anyways, time for me to go to work, so maybe I'll talk about more personal stuff later. Peace.

Thanksgiving Week

So I'm actually very much looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. Not necessarily cause of the holiday, but two entirely different reasons.

Firstly, the day before it, there's a concert in town. Staind, Papa Roach, and Seether, three of my favorite bands right now, will all be playing, plus a fourth I've never heard of. If they're playing on the same stage as those three, they can't be all that bad either. Sad to say I'm so socially inept, but I've never been to a concert before, and I'd prefer to enjoy the experience at least once, especially with such an awesome collection of rock music talent in one place on the same night!

Secondly, I'm desperately hoping that everything comes together for LJ to come down for a visit that week. Maybe longer than a week, if I have my way. Not only would we be able to go to the concert together, but she'd finally get to meet Liz and her family. Those two are so creepily alike, the only way I'll be able to tell them apart is that they're in differently aged bodies. They're like long-lost twins, except Liz was born blonde.
Just from their similarities I know they'll be great friends. And LJ can goth Liz up for fun. I bet they'd even look alike, if they went and died their hair the same color. THAT would be an amusing Halloween costume. "Twin" goths. Creepy, yet attractive.

That is pretty much it as far as what I'm looking forward to for Thanksgiving. The biggest events at least. With LJ down here, I can have a lot more minor activities to do with her while she visits. Some of which...probably aren't a good idea to mention, since SOME of the people who read about my pitiful life are under legal age of consent. Not that I'm saying such things will happen, I just know LJ well enough to guess some things.

The trick is, of course, finances...and getting my parents to go along with it. In the end, I have the option of asking Liz and Eileen to put LJ up for the visit. Don't worry, I haven't had this idea without asking them about it first! She says she'd be happy to do that if we needed to, but I would honestly prefer not to have to rely on another person's hospitality. I already have to put up with my parent's, and I'm sick of other people's hospitality and charity.
It's not that I don't love getting help from other people who genuinely care enough to give it. I just feel so shitty about it, and I feel like I'm incapable of caring for myself at this point. I have a sense of pride ya know!

Anyways, not much else to say. I've been working, sleeping, playing City of Heroes, spending time with what few friends I have, going to bible fellowship...
Oh, not sure I've mentioned that much in the past, have I? I've been going to the bible fellowships with Liz' family. Surprising I suppose, but even if I don't exactly join their religion, or follow their beliefs completely, looking into other spiritual beliefs really helps one think about things. And also to understand people better. So, we'll see what we'll see.

Oh, I have bee driving the F-350 all week. That godawful truck scares the crap out of me, but at least I'll be running over other people instead of vice versa. I seem to be handling the vehicle surprisingly well though. Maybe all that time driving the Prius improved my driving ability. I would like to think so. Regardless, the sooner I get my own normal-sized car to drive, the sooner I save my own sanity. And the sooner I can avoid a genocidal rampage on my immediate family. Don't doubt my words!

Unfortunately, Longhorn Landing has finally caught up with me and is demanding I pay my debt to them. Bad timing, old chap, but I suppose it can't be helped. I owe them $1152. I won't have that amount until next Friday. Now I have to consider my options. I want to buy LJ a plane ticket, and I want to buy concert tickets. It's been suggested that I write a letter to these people saying I don't have all the money now, but I can pay half of it, or something like that. It's either that, or I have to put up with the possibility of not being able to see LJ until Christmas. Not that I loathe the idea of her visiting then either, but I would just about kill to go to this concert, and both she and Liz have just been gushing with emotion about going to a concert to see these awesome bands. So I'm hoping and praying and hoping some more. Even a broken man can have dreams, right?

Regardless, I'm tired, and my mind is reeling with the idea of bringing LJ down to Texas for a holiday visit. Who knows, maybe I could convince her mother to come down too? I doubt that's a good idea, but I've considered it. Maybe her mother needs companionship and a new city as well. And parents meeting each other, while a dreadful thought, isn't something that's *never* going to happen...so...sooner rather than later, aye?

Time for sleep. Peace out.