Relief

Although the pain and suffering is not yet over, I am feeling relived...and the pain that was gripping my chest, and causing me unusual physical weakness, seems to have finally lifted. LJ has finally spoken to me again, and has expressed that she does want to see me, although everybody else in her life has expressed that they dislike it. Knowing that she still cares for me, and sees me as a friend, means so much to me, that I think I can continue with my life in high hopes for the future. Specifically, hopes that maybe this bad situation will turn back around. I will always hope that someday she will take me back. I won't expect it to happen, but I will still hope for it.

It still seems so odd to me that I had felt almost as though I had a cold, or worse...until LJ finally contacted me. I would sleep restlessly at night, soaked in sweat, and during the day I was always too cold or too hot...I was always congested, with headaches, and felt extremely weak, sometimes even dizzy. I think I understand, now, that this was a sickness of the soul. I never imagined that it could affect you physically, at least so strongly, but well...there are still mysteries to discover in this life. The moment I finally got LJ's answer, that she does want to see me when I go up to visit tomorrow...I felt better. I can't explain it any other way than that this was emotional torment, tearing at my soul, rather than my body. And now being relieved, and feeling less troubled, I have healed.

She did have to remind me that she cares for everybody, and that she cares for Dustin above all others right now. That I shouldn't let it get to my head. That hurts more than words can express. She used to care for me so much, that she would spend hours staring at the computer screen, waiting for me to come home. I never wanted her to forsake all her friends for me, but I miss that I once meant that much to her. And it hurts that now she cares for him that much...that she already trusts him to do sexual things together. (I should mention here that, though I know that they have, and are, doing such things, I will never hold it against her.) It hurts that I've been replaced so abruptly, and before I could see it happening.
For now, I will just have to respect her wishes, and her choices, and hope that one day she can change her choice. I only hope that all her family, and Dustin and his family, can respect her that much as well. For it is HER life, not theirs. If she chooses to be my friend, Dustin will just have to accept it. And if one day, she does somehow separate from him, he will need to accept that as well. Just as I will respect her wishes if she chooses to remain friends with him afterward.
And no, I'm not saying this all WILL happen, although I will hold that belief in my heart, always. I'm just talking possibilities. If I cannot hold this belief and hope, then I would have to give in to pain and depression. And I cannot allow that to happen to me again.

I was wavering before in my determination to stay true to her, even as she dates other guys, but I know for sure now that I will. Maybe that is what was tearing me apart at the soul. That I wanted to remain true to her, but that it was starting to look as if I would not be able to. However, I shall always remain as her guardian, and her protector, even if I can never be more than a friend to her. To me, that is true love and true devotion...choosing to love somebody unconditionally. How many people can claim that they love their boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife, without any condition whatsoever? How many can claim they would remain true to the person they love in a similar situation? If she were to tell me she hates me (she has done so in fights in fact!) I would still love her. Can any of you out there say you would still love such a person? Can any of you claim unconditional love of your partner, to that degree? It may seem foolish to most people, but I think I'd rather be a fool than a sage, if this marks me as a fool.

I just know that I would be happiest in my life if I remain true to her this way. I will continue to count my blessings, instead of bemoaning that which I have been denied, and that which I don't have. And I will continue to hope, and believe, that good things will continue happen to me. For I will always love her this strongly. I refuse to let it go, and it is my choice to keep that love in my heart.

It strikes me as amusing that LJ once told me she is more like Usha from Dragonlance, than any other character from that series. She mentioned this once, when I said that I seem to be a lot like Caramon, and even more like Tanis. I tried to imply that she was like Tika in some ways, and in a lot of ways like Laurana as well. Her retort was that she was more like Usha, and that she had just finished the War of Souls series, as though to seal the deal. Now that I am finally re-reading those stories...what sticks out in my mind is the time Usha did not remain true to Palin Majere. In the end, though, Palin was her first and truest love, and even if she did not love him for a time, they did reconcile and get back together. So I am hoping for now that she is more like Usha than she realizes. Not that I can expect it...but I can hope for it. What's wrong with hoping? Humanity thrives on hopes and dreams.
And though it may take some time to shake the notion of me being similar to Caramon and Tanis from my head, I am reading about Palin again. Maybe I am just being a romantic, but hey, something's gotta keep me going. Palin also has qualities that remind me of myself, and he is just as young as I am. And also just as not-so-physically inclined, though he was at least well-built and largely built.

Judge me as you will. A fool, or a hopeless romantic, or whatever you may be thinking. This is my choice...and this is the way I want to live my life. It will definitely bring happiness to my life, even if that happiness is tinted slightly with sadness and pain. For I will always hold out the hope that my patience and devotion will one day be rewarded. And even if it's not...well, there's always the next life. Just as I choose to devote myself to her, I will choose to be happy with what I get. Whether it's only her friendship, or if one day she can love me once more.

So yeah...my hopes restored, I think I will continue making plans to move to Tulsa. But maybe I'll consider waiting until she's at least 19, though I wouldn't mind being able to celebrate at her birthday party. And hey, if her friends, or even her boyfriend, do not throw her a party, by god I know I will. I think I would enjoy such a life. I think Liz would miss me being at her 15th, but I know she'd understand.
I've looked at some potential jobs already, and apartments up there, but it is too early to think about that, cause positions don't usually remain open for so long. But I am hoping and believing that I will also find the right kind of job up there for me, not that I care what I get. Hell, I saw a job that was offering pay at $10-20/hr...and was totally in my ballpark skill-wise. When I finally move up there, if I can find anything remotely as good, then I think I will be able to carry out my life up there as I want. For I'm not giving up on a college education yet. I've just had to postpone it a little. If it means night classes at an Oklahoma college, that's what I'll do! I'll do what it takes to stay near LJ, so that I can carry out my promise of being there for her as guardian.
I can promise I'll at least wait until early February as my earliest move. Three months, no less, all right? I will also promise this. If LJ expresses strongly that she doesn't want me to move up there, and live nearby her, (even though she expressed many times in the past that she wanted me to do so), then I won't. It's her choice, after all, as to whether or not I get to be a part of her life. But if she will accept me as guardian and friend, I will take up that position gladly, and with pride. Just because I can't be her lover, doesn't mean I can't be there for her.

Why do I promise so freely to be there for her, when I could probably find another girl much more easily? Because I care that much about LJ. How can there be anything wrong with caring? I want to make sure that she is always taken care of. Sure, Dustin may be there for her right now, and she just might be in good hands. But I just want to be up there to make sure. Especially if I need to catch her. And hey, if she actually asks for my help with something, I'll be quick to say yes. I've got to protect my kitten, especially now that she is growing up. Well, she may not be my kitten any more...but that doesn't mean I'll stop protecting her. I will never stop protecting her, unless she tells me to.

So please, even if you don't agree with my choices, respect that these are my choices, and what I am wanting to do with my life for now. If you don't agree with it, sure, share your opinion on the matter, tell me what YOU think. But don't try to tell me what I "should" do, or anything similar. Don't act like you know what's best for me. Don't get too pushy about it, especially. Just as I will respect her choice to be with another boy, (I refuse to call him a man until he shows maturity and responsibility to me, and he has yet to do so), besides me, I ask that any who read my blog please also respect my life choices.

Not much more to say without being ridiculously repetitive. Peace out.