Determined

After my trip to Tulsa...I have learned things, received contact from certain people.

For starters, I do not feel La Jeanna is lost to me. She is confused right now, struggling to become part of the real world. I think she just needs time to take care of herself. And thinking about things, perhaps I need time as well. If I have gained anything from this situation, it's that she forced me to wake up from a slumber and focus on things that I need to do.

Perhaps this will be good for us, whether it is temporary or permanent. The thoughts running through my mind is that I now need to push myself. I need to better myself. I am worried for her safety...a friend warned me that she recently tried to kill herself by choking herself, and another person managed to stop her. Apparently she promised not to try suicide again, but she has knives hidden in her room, and she has taken to the habit of cutting herself. I want to do something to help her, but right now all I can do is watch and hope somebody else can help her. For the law is preventing me, now, from saving a life. What am I supposed to do with that?

*sighs*
People keep telling me to put her out of my mind, but I cannot. I love her, I truly do, even through all this trouble I have gone through. For thinking about it, she has become the victim here, not me. Not only was I not being a good boyfriend to her, ignoring her in order to play these addicting online games, but now I have caused her this trouble with the restraining order, and other guys who are after her are proving to be not so worthy.

Right now, my goal is to make myself worthy of her attentions, assuming I can get rid of this restraining order. Speaking of which, I found something out. Although La Jeanna is the one who filed it, it is because her parents, and her now-ex-boyfriend's parents forced her to. They threatened her with no longer being able to see this young man, they cajoled her saying "Protect the family, you will be a hero!" I am thoroughly convinced her family is a despicable lot. They were the ones who feared me. They feared for their own skins, not for hers. And if they knew what sort of person I was, they would know that I am a threat to no-one. She doesn't want, and never has wanted, that restraining order. She was forced into it, and she wanted to handle me her way. Now she has to deal with this crap.
I hope the judge takes that into consideration, and I hope that LJ remembers to mention that she doesn't want it. Why does nobody ask what the young people want? Why is it ALWAYS the case, that the older generation knows for a fact what is "best" for us? What is best for one person is not always best for another. But no, they don't listen.
So my first goal, right now, is to get this restraining order squared away somehow. I hope my parents will help me with that...not only because I want to see LJ. Not only because I want LJ to have her freedom back. But because I also don't want employers noticing this on my record in the future! It would cause problems. I refuse to leave this sitting over my head. It damages my identity, and I would have it be undone. If I have to waste the very last of my money to fly or drive up to Tulsa again, to attend this hearing, and defend myself without a lawyer, then I will do it. With, or without, my parent's help. I only hope I can do this with their help.
My parents need to understand that a person can only be helped if they allow the help. You can only help a person do the things he wants to do, unless you can convince him to do something.
Right now, I want to defend against this restraining order, and prove to the judge that it was unnecessary. I am asking for help, for once, with this...but my parents seem loathe to give that help. Why is it, when I ask for help that *I* know I need, help that I want, nobody will give it, but people try to help where it is not welcome?

Once that is clear, I will get a second job, and take as many hours as I can to save up money. Firstly, I will get a car, then an apartment, and then once I have done that, I will feel confident about my ability to survive college on the second attempt. The first two might take around 4 to 6 months, I estimate. Hopefully sooner.
Also, I will push myself to get in shape, as well. I mean, really, if I cannot love myself, how could I expect anybody else to, let alone LJ? I have always wanted to be physically fit again, anyways, so now I have something to drive me.
Yes, that is a vague description of what I am planning to do. I have thought this out with a lot of detail. I have, for once, come up with imaginary numbers, supposing to myself that I couldn't possibly get a lower second wage than McDonald's, and find that the numbers fit for what I believe I will need for a used car, insurance, gas, food, and rent.
I will find out how true my guesses are when I get to that bridge. It will be easier to make decisions when I have possibilities open before me.

I am concerned about my home situation now, as well, for my parents refuse to understand me. It's not that they are not trying. But I have long seen that they would not be able to understand me. Half the time, I don't understand me, and they see the world in black and white. I can't always give a black and white answer. Some questions require me to actually THINK about it, instead of know instinctively.
In fact, my own mother seems to want me out of the house, refusing to accept I am her son. Does that make it easier on you, mother? Since you don't understand the changes I have gone through, don't understand the way I think, don't understand my heart, it is easier for you just to say I am not your son, than to give me a chance?
No, you are wrong. I care a lot. Why else do you think I shut you guys out? I was sick of hearing your disapproval, and I wanted to shut it out, and you never once attempted to encourage me. Maybe encouraging me to be myself, instead of encouraging me to be you, would have led to better things? I don't know. Because you never tried it.
Even before college, I wanted to change my appearance, I wanted to explore other looks, be a different person. I never got to be myself in high school, because I kept worrying about how YOU would react. You stifled me! You stifled my intelligent mind, and my desire to be unique!
Of course I go and hide in my room, slouched over a computer, seeking approval from peers I never meet.

My parents are, of course, convinced I need professional help. I don't believe this. I talked to the people I needed to talk to, got out the feelings I needed to get out. I will go this far though, since they have threatened to kick me out if I don't see somebody. I will agree to go see some "professional" who thinks he can help me, without fully appreciating all sides of the story I am only a small part of...on one condition. If they will agree to help me get this restraining order off my head. And that would only entail attending this hearing in Tulsa, on the 16th. If I fail to defend myself, whether using a lawyer or not, (I don't think I could manage without one, but don't the courts provide one if you cannot afford one?), I won't ask for appeal. I just want this one chance to undo what damage I can. That is all the help I want, for now. I do still want help from my parents with these things...don't get me wrong. I just want to do things my way, otherwise I will only get more confused. Otherwise I will only feel helpless, and rushed, and out of place. For once, I want to belong.

What still rankles my mind is LJ's safety. She cuts herself, I know, though she at least has not done anything serious. Except for one incident where she attempted to choke herself. I want to rush to her side, hold her tight, and comfort her with sweet nothings, as I would comfort a child. I don't know if that would help, but it's better than watching her slip into depression. For now, I will have to believe she finds the help she needs from the people still able to help her. I have to believe, and I have to hope, or I have nothing left. Everybody else has given up on me. My parents pretty much have, from what they have said. I have Eileen and her daughter and her husband, at least, who seem to believe. But I have very few people left who believe in me...and that one song from Staind, Believe, comes to my mind.
Of course...there is only one person I want to believe in me, to trust in me, and that is LJ. Maybe she does believe, and she is just wanting me to prove myself for once...but I cannot know that, cause I cannot have contact with her for now. She cannot tell me what she thinks for now.
And worst of all, I keep thinking that this is all my fault. If I had kept my mouth shut, even flying up as early as I did, there would be no restraining order. I would have met with her, we could have crawled the mall, unable to buy anything but still having fun. I could have afforded a movie theater perhaps...or bought her food that she will actually eat. Not that she is doing much eating...another thing that worries me. Her figure is amazing now, but she doesn't eat! I hope she feels good enough to eat soon.
I was freaking out, Saturday night, as I *tried* to go to sleep...about how this was all my fault. That she has tried to kill herself because I ruined things with my short temper. I keep thinking she would still be happy with Dustin, if I just had not said anything rash to him. If I had just kept my mouth shut...
But I cannot blame myself. I am not the only one who made decisions, and caused things to take place. I have to believe that things will get better. It is all I can do right now, or else give in to despair. I would rather believe.

I did find out one thing, recently, as well. She has re-initiated her idea of a "death date." In other words, she sets a day, years in the future, where she plans to die. Where she plans to kill herself. I am guessing it will be her 23rd birthday, or her 24th...I only hope I can convince her to give up on it before it is too late. Or I hope some professional helps her through it. I don't want her to die.
Especially...if she does go through with it, I will have nobody to blame but myself...

I did get to speak with her, once, before the restraining order was officially served to me, though. Before it was made valid. What nobody seems to understand is that LJ has not completely abandoned me. She still wants me in her life. She wants to call me friend, now, and she is actually considering dating me once more. Admittedly, not immediately. Not now. She needs time to be herself, and time to explore. How much time, she doesn't know. Nobody does. But I will give her time to choose. She has asked me to wait, because she still holds feelings for me, and maybe she thinks I will change and get better because of this. So I will wait, for the time being. In 6 months, maybe a year...as soon as I can, I still want to move to Tulsa. If I am living in Tulsa, it will be easier for LJ to be able to try and date me, and we could get to know each other in person.
No, I am not throwing my life away. I am not betting my whole life on this one girl. I would like to, but I am not. I am driving myself for her, yes. I will better myself for her, yes. But the goals I have are not so damaging as you would believe. Ignore that a girl is involved, and the idea is sound, other than I am moving to Tulsa. Though...consider that OU is in Tulsa. I saw the campus myself. I would not mind giving them a chance. Once I was somewhat familiar with the area, I was actually comfortable driving around. Now my curiosity, like the insatiable wanderlust of a kender, is urging me to explore this world more, the world LJ has lived in most of her life. I always did want a good adventure. Why not there, in that quiet little town?

No, I am not deluding myself. I know that La Jeanna is likely to choose another guy and move on from me, continuing to say I'm just a nice friend, but I missed my chance. And I am prepared to accept that. For now, I see that the door is still open. She is a feeling person. Just because she is with another guy, maybe goes through several others guys, does not mean she does not regret leaving me. Does not mean she has stopped caring, and given up on me. She doesn't know if it was the right choice or not, from what I could understand from her. She just feels this is something we both need.

And I don't deny that. Already I am determined to improve my life. I can see that, as depressed and self-loathing as she is, she will try to improve her life as well. So some good will come of this, and as such, I can feel confident as I wait, that it is right for me to wait and see what comes to pass.
I am determined. I will better myself, if for nothing else than because I love a girl. In the end, what matters is that I get better and improve and learn.

Besides, you all know the saying. "If you love them, let them go." I didn't do a very good job of letting go, but I will do so now. She needs her freedom, freedom to make her choices. And I do love her. So all I can do is hope that, some day, she may return. She may not. I get that. I don't know why everybody feels the need to repeat that. I'm not THAT dense, so LJ may tell you I am.
The difference is, I can recognize that there is still a possibility. Realistically, there is one. It is not a delusional, desperate hope. I see it's possible.

All is not lost. I thoroughly believe that. I ask only, of my friends and family, that you don't give up on my dream either. Because you don't know LJ the way I do. Few people do...and even I have a lot to learn. I am not going to throw my life away for her, no. I am only going to keep trying for the door, as long as it is open. And it IS still open.

I don't know what else to say. Peace.