Possible mistake?

I have spoken at length with someone I hold dear to my heart, and she has said many things that drive deep bleeding wounds into my heart. But I have never been more sure of my love for her than I am now, and I refuse to give in so easily. I will prove myself to her, and prove that I am worthy of still being loved, if it kills me...if I have to kill someone myself. I would gladly walk the deepest parts of Hell for this love.

Many will say I am being a fool, and that I should have let go, long ago. But the things that have happened between us, the trials we have been through, are too great in order to just let go. I see this as our final, greatest trial, or else we are doomed to forever separate. For this time, as opposed to all the others, she is doing the unthinkable - she has fallen for another, or so she claims to believe, and now sees me as just a friend to care for. But I know my mistakes, and I know the person I am supposed to be, and I will not give in to this failure so easily!

Though I may lose her no matter what...though I may have already lost her, irretrievable, I will make every effort, and struggle through any obstacle, to try and win back her heart. She is trying to deny it. I can hear it in her voice, and in the way she hesitates, and how hard this is on her already. She still feels for me, deeply, but she treats me as though I am not who I should be.

I do not think I could properly explain the situation in words, but I hear a voice inside me, something pushing me forward. I know that I must at least try. At the very least, for my efforts to fail, I know I will have tried! There is honor in that, at least.

And so I make plans to purchase a plane ticket to Oklahoma, and possibly a hotel room, depending on the circumstances with people I know in that area, to ensure I have a place to sleep. This may be a fool's quest, but I have to do this. If not to win her back, then for simple closure.

I feel very strongly for her, and I cannot fully explain why, but it is there. My soul burns for her, and I long to comfort her sorrows and pains so that she may be at peace with the world around her. If I can prove to her that I am worthy of her attentions, this trip will be worth all the effort, all the risk...and the suffering this past year will have finally been for something good.

If she is truly lost to me, I fear my heart will shatter for true this time. I know I cannot take this. I have made such dire statements before, I admit...but this time I can feel it. My heart is on the verge of collapse, and I cannot seem to sleep for the thoughts running through my head. Thoughts of what I must do to get to her, what I must say to her, whether I should hurt this Dustin, how to get her to turn away from him, if it's even possible to accomplish my greatest hope...it's a never-ending stream of plotting and planning and predicting.

Believe me, when I say, though I have cared for other girls, there is something about this one that makes my blood burn and my soul itself cry out. It is only when you have lost that which keeps you together, that you truly realize how important it is. My eyes are fully open, and I see now, if I never saw before. And I see that this girl, this LJ, is my very lifeblood, my very drive for existence. My very purpose in pushing myself onward to a better life.

I am afraid, without her love and support, I may fall into so deep a darkness as to never crawl out, no matter how many people try to drag me back into the light.

It has been said that there comes a time a person must risk his life, nay, his very soul, for something he truly believes in.

If I believe in anything, I believe in my love of her...and I want nothing more than to give her this love to the end of my life, however soon or far that may be.

Judge me as you will, it matters little to me. It is only the judgment of this one soul, this one girl, that means anything to me. And it will make me...or it will break me.