Miserable

I have never been more miserable, or felt more defeated, in my entire life. I have been betrayed before, but none of them has ever really hurt me, thinking back on them. But this...this hurts me to the core of my being. It will be with me, and affect me, for the rest of my life. I never even got to say goodbye to her...

I am willing to accept at this point that I will never be with her again, and I am willing to accept that she doesn't want anything to do with me, but...

I want to be able to say goodbye. I don't know why everybody is against me saying goodbye, but I want it so very much, I would sell myself into slavery for it. I don't care what I have to do, what I have to give up, I just want to say goodbye to her. And nobody is willing to grant me that!

At the very least, I want her to tell me to go away, and to stay away. Cause the last time I heard from her, she told me she wanted to be my friend. And that she was willing to keep in touch with me. If things have changed between us since then, I at least want her to tell me that much. I won't even respond to what she says, I want to hear her say it to me. Or I want her to send me an e-mail saying as much, at the very least!

I don't know why I can't even get this much...why is it such a big deal? I don't understand what's going on anymore, and why everybody is taking such big steps in this. I regret what I said to Dustin...so much that I have actually considered just letting them beat me to death.

But...my god, I have never been brought to tears more than this, and I am not usually a person who cries. I always fight them back, but I can't this time. I have never been more willing to humiliate myself, and more willing to slave myself to others, than right now. I understand, mostly, they want me to stay away, but is it really so much to ask that I say goodbye? That I get the chance to have her tell me herself to get away and stay away?

I just...I want nothing more than that. I hope for nothing more than that. I have even given up on my dreams of moving to Tulsa. I was originally going to move up there, and even stay away from her permanently while living up there, on the hopes that I can actually be THERE for her if she ever decides to come back to me. But I see now that it's not ever going to happen.

I don't blame her for it, either...everybody in her life is interfering to the point that it's hurting her more than helping. And I'm a horrible person anyways, unworthy of being loved. All I want...right now...I would gladly give my life for it...is to say goodbye to her. Because I know I'll never see her again. I want to be able to hold the memory of her face in my mind for all eternity.

I don't know why everybody is making such a big deal out of one pathetic, lovesick fool...all I know is that I will never be able to love anybody else, ever again...

I am feeling so miserable that I can't sleep. I can't eat. My body is sweating in the coldest weather, but my skin has goosebumps, and I am shaking and chattering and clattering. I can barely hide this from my parents. I can't think about anything but her. Not only can I not eat, but I can't even taste my food. All of it tastes vile, and disgusting, to my tongue. Even if I didn't quit video games, I can't enjoy them anymore. I can't enjoy a book, because my eyes just tear up and get blurry, before I can read more than a page. It brings me no joy anyways, because I keep thinking about her. I am constantly getting headaches, and meds bring no relief to me. Because these headaches come from the soul, because this pain and sickness comes from my soul, no physical help will heal me.

I don't know how to cure this malady...I don't know if anything could. I don't know what to do! All I want is to say goodbye...all I want is some closure, and everybody is treating me like some sort of horrible criminal because of it! Why is this such a big deal?! Why can't I say goodbye, when she means so much to me! I would accept ANY conditions these people would put on me, if they just allowed me to say to her the one sentence, "Goodbye, La Jeanna...I will always love you." Once I have said that, I will never try to contact her ever again, and I will never set foot in Tulsa again.

Please...LJ, if you're reading this. I know you don't want to talk to me. I GET that. But I beg you. I BEG you. Give me this much. Give me the chance to say goodbye to you. Or tell me yourself, even if it's just an e-mail or a Facebook message. That you never want contact with me, ever again. Please...it's all I need to be able to get through this. Please help me that much? I know you don't hate me...I hope you don't. Please, just help me get through this, and I will leave you alone forever. Please, I am begging you...

I know anybody who reads this will think I'm pathetic, and that I probably even deserve to die, but she has beat me down that painfully...I feel like I'm pathetic, so I'm not going to try to argue that point. I just know that this is the worst pain I have ever felt, and that I will never truly recover from it. I am just hoping I can say goodbye, and see her face one last time. I'm even willing to stay 20 yards, or even 30 yards, away from her. If I have to shout it to her across a big grassy field, or if I have to say it to her through a dozen gigantic bodyguards with guns, I would accept that. ANY condition...any chance to say that one final sentence, and I will go away. Forever. Never to return. Just because suicide is part of that plan, shouldn't mean that I don't deserve the chance to say goodbye.

At this point, I'm feeling like death would be more merciful than the pain I am suffering right now. The only thing preventing me from going through with that is the love of the only two friends I have in the world.

All I want is this small bit of closure...she doesn't even have to answer me, or look at me. She can pretend I'm never there, and she can choose not to hear me say it. I just want to be able to say it to her. I'll do it at the airport, before passing through the metal detectors even. You can have her surrounded by armed police. Anything. Just let me say goodbye.

I don't care how pathetic I am sounding...I am desperate...I love her still, so very much...and I have never hated myself more, for not seeing this coming.