Full Circle

And so I come full circle, in the world of MMOs, right back to WoW. It was totally spontaneous, but it seems I'll be playing World of Warcraft again, now that the expansion is out. May as well get to 80 and see what's changed, eh? I got nothing better to do. I might just quit again after reaching level 80 anyways.

But logging back in again, for the first serious attempt at playing the game in weeks, brings up a lot of old feelings to the surface, and breaks open old wounds as though they're still fresh.
Seeing my guild mostly deserted is not surprising. I expected it, and welcome it. It failed even before I stopped playing. It's part of the reason I stopped playing to begin with. Either the people in WoW are all total idiots who don't deserve my patience, or I just don't know how to run a guild. It's probably the latter. It feels like I'm missing some important quality that guild leaders possess. All I know is that I could never get people online when I needed them to be online, and I could never recruit the people I needed to recruit. As much as I may envision dreams of glorious raiding with a guild at my back, I must give up on that dream and disband the old Hordecore Pwnstars.
It was never really my guild anyways. It was always Leslie's guild. Perhaps that's why it failed. But more than that, it was my first fun guild, where I had real friends to play with. I still miss those days, because I had genuine friends in the guild that I could talk to. If I gained a level, announcing it in guild chat but congratulatory cries. If I needed help in an instance, or some sort of advice, or just to talk, I could find somebody, assuming I was online at a normal hour. That's what made WoW fun for me in the early days.
God do I miss those days...it's amazing where Internet drama can take you. Leslie has a new guild now, at least, so I feel less regret in disbanding this one. Her new guild even has a name that's not stupid.

But just being reminded of Leslie's existence makes me feel miserable. It brings up the old feelings and the old memories, of things that happened in the past 14 months. Not a very large amount of time, but a lot certainly happened, and a lot changed.
I both remember when she and I were close, and remember the old feelings of betrayal. It creates a very confusing mix of depression and hatred within me that I just don't know how to deal with. One thing's for sure: I still can't bring myself to try befriending her again. The wounds still feel fresh to me.

I may go so far as to transfer to another server. Is that the smart thing to do, or does it mean I'm running away from my pain? Is it wrong to run from it, or should I confront it? Am I truly in error in the end, and should I just forgive and forget? I doubt I could do that. Just being reminded of Snorri, and I get reminded just by being reminded that Leslie exists, makes me feel this miserable. It doesn't make sense to feel this way, but I do, and I can't change it.
I've been on this server so long, it feels like home. I wonder if the misery caused by Leslie and her boyfriend is enough to run me out of my home.
But then, is it really even home? Tristan is my only real friend on the server anymore. Hakuro and I are still friendly, if not friends. He and I were never big on socializing though, and I doubt he'd miss me much. I have no guild worth mentioning. And I doubt I could find a guild I would truly enjoy being in. The one guild that would work for me, if it weren't for the guild leader and her boyfriend, is not one I'll ever consider. I'm even going to make it a point of contention to never play with any member of that guild, with the exception of Tristan. I can trust her, at least.

It seems even after all these months, I can't get over what happened. It's probably the case that I still care about Leslie, somewhere...somehow. Otherwise, why would it bother me to know she got the collector's edition of the expac right away? Why would it bother me to know that she's leveling in Northrend with her boyfriend at her side? Why would it bother me to know that he still logs onto her account to do the things she doesn't want to do? Why would my mind be buzzing to know if she actually did go to Blizzcon or not?
If I do still care, it's being thoroughly covered up by the pain of my sorrow and hatred. I don't know what that means anymore, but it's certainly frustrating. I was hoping that I could be as passionless as metal when faced with Leslie leveling through the same zones as me. False hopes, of course. It seems like I won't ever move on from this. Maybe there's a way, but I do not think there's a way that I'd be willing to try.
Why am I so disappointed to find them still together? The 30th of this month will be their 7th month anniversary. Why does that bother me? Why do I bother to remember the date at all? More false hopes. I must be an expert at hurting my own soul.

Sigh.

I know news involving WoW is dull and boring to most of you people who ever bother to read about boring old me, so...well, there's not much more news beyond that I guess. My life is pretty uneventful, you see. I suppose I can ramble on about *something* though.

I have been trying for the past week or so to arrange for LJ to visit me for Thanksgiving, but it seems it's just not going to be able to happen. Not for lack of LJ wanting to come down, but it seems her mother still has some amount of control on her life and her decisions. A real shame, cause her mother is rather demented. At least I spend less money this way, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
The main reason I was hoping to bring her down is the concert on the 26th. I mean, seriously, who could pass up Staind, Seether, and Papa Roach all on one stage? Since I've never been to a concert, this seems as good a time as any to experience my first one. And may many more come after that.

It doesn't help that LJ may be slipping through my fingers. For once, it seems she's showing interest in other guys. Only a little interest, and probably a bit my fault since we haven't been getting along exactly perfect. But she has still admitted it. Just more salt in the old wounds of my mistake in leaving her for Leslie to begin with. Ironic, ain't it? That after I finally get hurt by Leslie, and limp back to LJ like a dog with a broken leg, that LJ does what I'd been trying to get her to do since I met Leslie. The fates really are cruel to me, it seems. My romantic life must be the butt of a cruel joke. But all I can do in the face of this is hope and pray that I don't lose LJ that way. I don't think what's left of my shattered soul could really take it.
I certainly would prefer to stay with her. After all we've been through...if we really can survive this mistake I made involving Leslie, then we can surely get our relationship through anything. Right?
Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. After all, she's confused, and she's struggling with life as much as I am. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about...besides, trust is important in a relationship. As is communication.

Other than that bothersome drama...yes, my romantic life is very melodramatic it seems, and somehow it all mostly happens long distance. Fate really is that cruel to me. Or maybe I'm just cruel to myself!
Other than all that drama, the rest of my life is sluggishly moving forward. I'm working at my job, probably one of their best employees, and still no promotions. I *would* be considering going out to get a used car with the money I've made so far, perhaps having enough to pay off half of it now and the rest over time. But I have a $1152 debt to pay off to Longhorn Landing, so my car-purchasing plans must be pushed back a bit. Not sure when I'll get the guts to go through with it again. Maybe I should do the smart thing and start up another job search, hoping to find a place with better pay.
And who knows when I'll actually get my own place to live! There's no way I can afford an apartment on my own, with this meager wage. I'm still largely counting on getting LJ to move in with me to be able to get a place outside of my parent's home. But with how her mother reacted to the idea of a Thanksgiving week visit, I'm not sure how soon that will be possible. Not to mention LJ's own inner doubts and fears, which are very strong factors in most of her decisions.

All I can do is keep pushing forward, keep trying. I refuse to take college classes again until I have my own place to live. I don't want my parents breathing down my neck anymore, because it's become very stifling. I realized way too late it was a mistake to leave Austin and my job up there. I should've just set down like a soldier and pushed myself forward when I was up there. I had a cheap apartment, after all, and the job paid well. If I'd opened my eyes, I would've seen that I was even enjoying the job. My only problem was my inability to acquire a driver's license. And I should've been able to deal with that.
I guess I just felt too defeated after everything that happened with Leslie. Far too defeated to think straight, or even care. And matters only got worse in the months after leaving Austin.

Too late now. I need to stop thinking about the past and move forward. Otherwise I may get too depressed to even stand still. If I remember how hurt I'm really feeling inside, I'll lose the courage I need to keep moving forward. Giving up will just seem too wonderful of a way out.

But I really can't ignore the past, when it keeps rearing it's ugly head at me again and again in the present...what's a Scorpio to do?

It's a shame, really...I know that anybody who happens to read this will look at it and think me incredibly stupid. And think that they know what I should do.
Well...let me remind you that it's not easy to do what you should do, because it is rarely what you want to do. It is never easy to do what you should do. I've run into that problem so many times since graduating high school...
I can only hope that one day, someday in the future, I can find the happiness that makes all this misery worth the trouble. The universe is supposed to be balance...it's the main driving force in the universe. Or so that's what I've been believing. I have to keep believing that...

I think I'll stop here for now. Not much more to say that isn't repetitive ramblings of my brain. Peace out.