Decision

For the first time in my life, I have felt true terror touch my heart. I've lost friends...I've failed in life multiple times..I've lost loyal pets, and family members. And none of them really touched my heart. I was sad, a little, but I moved on without a second thought. I don't know why they never affected me, and it confused me, but that's the way of it.

But now, something has touched my heart so painfully, that I think I may have had a heart attack or two as a result. I'm not completely sure, but my chest is constricted and painful. La Jeanna, the girl I love more than the rest of the world combined, has actually left me for another boy. A boy a year younger than her, and shorter than her even, if I remember correctly. Emphasis on boy, rather than guy or man, because he has not shown any maturity in this situation.

I feel terror for her, more than I do for me. Cause I can recognize that this is a mistake, even if she can't. I've made my share of my mistakes, so I know a thing or two about 'em. I feel terror that she will be hurt, that she is going through this trial in life, and I might not be there for her to back into. Maybe this other boy will be somewhat protective of her, but there is no way he can replace me in that role. I want nothing more than to be by her side, providing her support for when she feels weary of her path in life. And I feel terror for me, cause I can do nothing but watch from the sidelines. I want so much to be there pushing her on, catching her when she falters, giving her a shoulder to lean on when she starts to limp.

But I'm not going to roll over and take this...I can't just give up this easily, when this is the one thing in my life that truly matters. She means more than the world to me...I can't just move on from this. So I'm going to fly up to Tulsa soon and talk to her in person.

As much as this hurts, I don't feel any anger towards her...nor any hate. I just feel loss, and I feel compassion, because I see that she is also hurting. Even though she is happy with this guy, she has told me in her own words that she doesn't know what she's feeling or what she wants. That she feels empty and numb. And my heart aches for her, knowing that, because I want to help her so bad. I want to support her and be her strength. I want to be her knight. I remember she once called me her Dark Knight...

I am willing, for now, to stay just a friend...and though it pains me to have to go through that, I cannot make myself abandon her completely. I know that this will end badly for her. I don't just hope or wish that, I know it will. Now that I've calmed down from the initial shock, and taken the time to mull things over, I can see that this won't end well for anybody involved.

So I'm going to give up video games for good now. It's been a long time coming, and I should have done it a long time ago, when I realized how much it bothered LJ. Instead I will force myself to get back into daily exercise. I kinda miss it, to be honest, and I wouldn't mind being fit and trim once more. And once I get back from Tulsa, I'm going to force myself to get a second job and make as much money as I can, as fast as I can. The more money I make, the sooner I can move to Tulsa.

Yes, you heard me. My ultimate goal from this day forward is LJ. I will devote myself to her, even if I can't be anything more than a friend. Some people say that's stupid, or wrong, or immoral. But what greater good can there be but to give yourself completely to somebody you truly care about, even if you're just a friend? The days of chivalry and honor may be long gone in this world, but this girl means more to me than life itself. I will be there, in person, waiting, for when she falls, and I will catch her, and hold her in my warm embrace once more.

I realize now my mistake in pressuring her to come down to Texas with me, when I should have been thinking about moving there. This means moving to Tulsa, ASAP. I plan to pull this off before her 19th birthday, so I've only got a few months to save up money for the move, and for the interval where I don't have a job. Hopefully I can save up the needed money to also purchase a used car, so I don't have to rely on public transit, but that's not as essential. In fact, I will consider pulling out a loan for the move. More debt is bad, yes, but you have to understand that I would sell my soul to the highest bidder to be there for her. I will try to not stoop to a temporary loan, but it's an option I am considering.

And once I'm up there, if I find I can afford it, I'll also be sure to start taking college classes once more. Not exactly the best schools, no. Not exactly the best plan to get my life in order. But this is something I have to do. I must prove myself to her, even if it means waiting for this other guy to get out of the picture.

I have never been more sure of my feelings for her, and for once, the path before me is laid bare, and I know what I must do. I know what I must strive for, and what my goals are. Surely that is a good thing.

I admit that there are more fish in the sea, but this is my decision. This is my choice. I would never forgive myself for abandoning her, when things fall apart for her, as they once did for me. For I see myself in her, back before I'd moved back in with my parents, so I know how she feels. I also know that no matter who I end up dating by then, if I ever do, I will end up hurting them. For if I see that LJ is hurt, whether she dumped him or vice versa, I will have to go to her. I can't devote myself to anybody else for fear of causing people more pain and suffering. It is my one condition about my relationships: I have to be able to give myself completely to that person. LJ is such a big part of me, placed in the most vital parts of my heart, that I cannot give up on her.

And so, for better or for worse, do I quit video games. I admit, I might keep playing still, for the moment, but after this trip to go see her, when I pledge this to her with my own voice, on my knees, I will give them up for good. And for better or worse, do I push myself to my limits. I will force my body to be as fit as it once was. I'm no athlete, but I'm going to burn off the fat college decided to gift to me. The moment I get back from my temporary trip to Tulsa, I am grabbing a second job and working as hard as I can, if it fucking kills me. Because I have never been more sure of the road I want to take than I am now.

Not much more to say about this. Peace.