*sudden crash into a dusty old room*

Umm...yeah hi, I was hoping to make a more discreet entrance. Guess that really can't be avoided though. I guess this will also be ported to my Facebook, and I'm too lazy to care about that. I guess nobody else would read my blog otherwise.

I'm mostly writing this right now just because I kinda want to get back into the habit of writing in my blog again, perhaps because it helps to get things off my chest that I would otherwise never tell people. But I really don't even know where to begin.

I guess I could play some catch up...

I am no longer living in Austin, or working for Blizzard, in case you were not aware. I realize that the last time I'd posted a blog entry, I'd just started the job. God, thinking back to those first weeks of training...to be perfectly honest, I would kill to go back to that job. But I'm getting ahead of myself, as I typically do.

Around the start of the new year, things were starting to go bad for me. For one, I had started feeling very bitter about my job. I think I hated how useless my life felt, especially since I didn't have a car I could drive. Nor a license, but that's besides the point.
See, not too long after I got the job I moved to Longhorn Landing to the apartment Brett and Keith lived in. And, partially, Scott, since he was often over there anyways. It was interesting getting used to their mannerisms and quirks.

Now, I was still taking the bus to work, but now the bus ride was a 2 hour trip, and that was only one way. I'd later discovered a route that would take only about an hour, but I discovered it a tad bit too late to save the inevitable ending. Once Brett got a job there, (honestly, that caught me by total surprise), we started taking cabs to work so that we could actually afford to sleep at night. Let me tell ya, sleep is a precious commodity in the modern world. I'd never realized how easy I had it in my school years until I got this job. If you're young enough to still be in high school, and you're reading this: enjoy your sleep while you can!

I discovered that cabs were expensive. Who'd have thunk it?! I'm apparently terrible at money and judging just how much an expense eats into my income. These cab rides would cost $50-$60 a day. Most of the time, I was the one paying, because Brett was spending his money elsewhere...I won't say what exactly, as that's his deal, and I only have a small clue as to what anyways. I didn't think to complain, because in my state of...I dunno what to call it other than downright loathing at the state of my life, I didn't really give a shit.
I should also explain that in those months I was, quite literally, living off pizza and mountain burn. I learned that heartburn is fun.
Yeah, at $9/hr, that can really eat into your paycheck, even with overtime. I kinda wish I'd paid more attention to that.


Around near the end of January, I realized the size of my checking account was shrinking, not growing. I was also greatly depressed on a deeply emotional level.

I don't want to get into the details...mostly because I am ashamed by my own weaknesses, and also because it's somewhat annoyingly complicated to get into the full story. The short, rudely simple version is that LJ and I were having some rocky times in our online relationship. Somewhere around September, I'd met another girl online, through the World of Warcraft. (This is a dangerous pattern of mine, online relationships and all. Is that unhealthy, or is it just me?). Her name is Leslie. Maybe some of you more attentive folks on Facebook noticed some of this stuff going on.

Things happened. Lots of things. Things I won't go into. A love triangle is more complicated than outsiders are capable of realizing. Let's just say that all three people involved were hurt in several ways, and many times I took a hard blow. And I still feel a lot of them.

But right around the end of January, everything culminated into a rather big, non-stop depression on my mind. I was unhappy with where I was in life, I felt unsatisfied and injured in the realm of romance, and to top it all off I felt like I had no friends left in the world. I at least had a friend in Brett. Again, something completely unexpected, because he tends to hide his true self from the outside world. At least, he did back then. Maybe he's different now. All I know is I only had one good friend I could rely on. One friend is better than none, but it's still depressing.

After a rather long morning walk all the way from Riverside up to the UT Austin campus, (that is a very long walk to make when you haven't showered or slept yet...) with many things on my mind, talking with Brett about stuff I thought I'd never express to anybody...I came to a decision. Looking back on it now, it was a bad decision. Never make a life-changing decision when you're feeling down in the dumps, people. The only way to make a worse decision is if you're drunk at the same time. (I have no experience in that, so don't get any ideas).

So at the beginning of February, I left Blizzard, and moved back to San Antonio to live with my parents...I'm still there, sadly. I didn't think it would last even a month, but I was wrong. And believe me, they remind me they want me gone on a daily basis. Sometimes even more often.
And by "left Blizzard" I mean I stopped going to work, and they called me up to say that they will consider it as my voluntary resignation. Stupid thing to do. I have a habit of doing stupid things.

I spent probably a week living off whatever food and money I had left, doing nothing but playing WoW...and thinking. Trust me, when you're really depressed, you don't do much else besides think.

And um...not much has happened since I moved here, but I hate it. My pride is thoroughly, and utterly, destroyed. I am, as a Scorpio, a prideful man. It's in my nature. But what have I got to be proud of anymore?
Well, some things have happened, of course. I spent the first month looking for work, desperately hoping to avoid McDonald's. A most futile effort in the end. I ended up going to work at McDonald's about at the start of April. I honestly didn't try to hard to find a different place to work, though I hated working there. I just...I felt like I didn't have the time. I guess I sort of did have the time, but I still didn't have my license. Humiliating, and also restricting.

About near the end of that, I did get my license, so I can finally drive around in the crappy 11-year-old Dodge Intrepid that has radiator problems. Better than nothing I suppose. I did manage to find another place near the end of June to apply to. It was some call center job. I figured it would be similar to my job with Blizzard, so I figured I could handle it...

But I couldn't stand to even finish the initial training. Something about that job just felt completely wrong to me. Some people don't understand instincts and feelings in that sense, but that's basically what it comes right down to. I could've probably stuck it out, suffered with T-mobile tech support for a while, but...something was just screaming at me that it wasn't right. It's hard for me to ignore a gut feeling, no matter how much trouble it will get me in.

To do a little back-tracking, back about April 30th, about a month into working for McDonald's, guess what happened? Leslie got a boyfriend. He's a 6 foot tall blonde-haired, blue-eyed 18 year old (or maybe he's 19, I can't remember...) from Iceland. Oh, his family is also loaded. Yeah, fate loves me. I mean fate really loves me. She couldn't even get the guts to tell me until two weeks into their relationship. In fact, she told me about it the day before something else happened, that I didn't find out about until a couple days later when I pressured her to tell me. I won't say what, as that would be rude. If you can put 2 and 2 together, you can then understand why I've been so depressed for the past three months. I thought I could handle it, wait it out. "Maybe it won't last, maybe something could still happen, maybe I don't have anything to worry about." I was wrong about that. Dead wrong. Three months is about my limit, apparently, because I just can't take it anymore. I don't think I can even stand to have her as a friend, or to even talk to her. I still have feelings. I can't help it. Maybe it's cause I'm a guy, or maybe it's cause I'm a Scorpio, but there will always be some feeling for her inside. But right now I just feel bitter, and hurt. And it really doesn't feel wonderful, when added to the loathing I feel for my family right now.

Yeah, did I mention I don't get along with my father at all since I'm apparently stealing money from him? Sure. He's paying for what bills I have at the moment, and I don't feel wonderful about that. But does he really have to rub it in all the time?

I'm jobless now. I quit that call center job I mentioned two weeks ago this Friday. I don't think I even have $100 to my name right now. I am trying, once again, to desperately avoid McDonald's. Because it would mean cutting my hair again, and I want to grow it back out. It also would mean putting on that stupid freaking hat. I really have a bad luck streak when it comes to finding employment, so my outlook is decidedly grim.

The one bright ray of light in the past year or so has been making a new friend at a book store. I suppose she wouldn't like me giving out her name, so we shall call her Moonshine. I was at Books-A-Million, mainly with the intention of applying for a job there, but I felt like perusing the books at first. I noticed her almost right away. She looked to be about 17 or 18, fairly attractive as well, and her hair was cut short like a guy's, except that her bangs were left about to cheek-length. I want to say it's because of the way she was dressed, but there was something else. Something about this girl felt... familiar, in an inexplicable way. And though I normally avoid people in general, I had the strangest urge to try and talk to her and find ways to meet her again in the future. We did spark up some conversation a bit, and found some kinship in our reading tastes. But I started feeling awkward after a bit, the way we reclusive Scorpio tend to get in social settings.

I ended up leaving the book store without even getting her name, but I did learn how to apply at the store, and bought a book. I did some things, had to save my car from dying in the Texas heat with a fresh bottle of anti-freeze/coolant, and ended up at Taco Bell later. Lo and behold, who did I see sitting at the nearest table after ordering my food? Yes, the cute girl (I did mention she was cute right? O_o) I'd seen at the book store, apparently having finished eating. We just kinda stared at each other at first, with that expression on our faces that just cries "Omg...YOU!"
Creepy I must say. I don't know if fate was choosing to play a cruel trick on me once again, or if she perhaps was showing me some reprieve for once. Alas, I did learn that her age was 14, but I still wanted to be this girl's friend. Mind you, I still have to remind myself every so often of how old she is. It's harder to remember than you would think. And don't worry, I ain't gettin' any ideas...I'm not like that, honest!
We ended up sitting down at Taco Bell, talking about stuff, such as music (we seem to share musical tastes quite a bit), books, and other such things. I'm not quite sure how it happened. I dunno if it was just dumb luck or if I'm actually capable of getting people to trust me, but I ended up with her e-mail address and cell phone number. Her mother, who is actually a very cool person and was naturally accompanying her, also gave me her e-mail.

I will not lie to you: I suck at describing people. I just downright can't do it. You would have to meet Moonshine if you want to know what she's like...but she really reminds me a lot of LJ, back when I first met her. Yes, when LJ was 14. Both girls are Aquarius. I don't normally put much importance on the zodiac, but that's just...both amusing, and creepy. Also very fun.
For her age, she gives off a feeling of being much older both physically and mentally, as though she should be finishing high school rather than starting it. It's disconcerting in many ways, but I think I've learned to deal with it. I should mention that she's home-schoooled...I'm not sure why, but I think that's awesome.
She kidnapped me this past weekend, though we'd really known each other but a week, and I crashed at her place about an hour outside San Antonio. Very new experience for me, I admit. I've crashed at friend's houses before, but not at the house of somebody 7 years younger than me. I was honestly very nervous about what I was getting myself into!
I tend to worry. I get it from both parents. You may even think me to be paranoid. Trust me, it's normal.

But things are cool, and she's an awesome friend, who very much enjoys Dungeons and Dragons. Maybe I'm still a geek somewhere inside, because I've always loved Dungeons and Dragons. I could spend hours reading about it and not get bored. I somehow got myself involved with s D&D group that will now be meeting twice a week...
She also studies karate at a dojo not even ten minutes from my house. I've actually started to get into that as well, but I'm taking it slow. I still feel out-of-place there, after all.

Okay, yes, I spent a lot of text writing about this new friend. But hey, making a friend is important for me! It's not like I know anybody else around town either. For somebody feeling lonely and depressed, making a friend like Moonshine is very...special.

Okay, I should shut up. I'm getting that feeling I get when I talk too much and I'm rambling, so umm...yeah. I think all that information will catch you up from the last post to now. More or less. I could probably go into more details...but that's what comments or for! Not that...anybody comments. Lonely feelings again. :(

I can't make any promises as to the frequency of my blogs, but I will seriously make some sort of effort to post now and then. Once a week is something worth attempting, yes?

...peace out.