Well, the first two days have been enjoyable. Though, for a couple reasons, the first day, Wednesday, was much more enjoyable. There are various obvious reasons that I'll describe later I guess.
Well, let's see...to begin...I need to think back a bit, it's actually a bit of a blur. I have random photos from here and there, so I can put up pics of my lovely girlfriend when I get around to developing the disposable cameras. And the...*shudder* photographic evidence of her playing around with my face. Not some of the really bad stuff though.
Well, first, Kitiy had her step-mom, Lyn, drive her over to my hotel to meet me for the first time ever and pick me up to go over to her house for the day. It was great to finally see her with my own two eyes...and after they were done fawning over my nice hotel room, and I was getting my laptop packed up, she couldn't resist giving me a fangirl-style hug. You know: squeal, rush, squeeze. ^.^
I dunno why...I didn't feel a dramatic feeling of elation like I'd expected. You know, the kind where you just feel like your heart will burst from joy? I just...I just felt happy, and a tad nervous. It was definitely a pleasant feeling. I think it would've been more enjoyable if it had just been us two, but things can't go our way all the time.
We went off to her dad's place down in Broken Arrow straight from there. It was kinda funny, cause she decided to take her GameBoy in the car and she asked for me to try and help her with KH: Chain of Memories. But that was just a small distraction...nothing special.
Had a small tour of the house by Lyn, she said I could help myself to drinks or food from the fridge if I needed, no need to ask, etc etc...
Anyways. I basically spent the whole day in Kitiy's room. We played random video games on and off, watched a movie. We kept stopping so she could play with my face. She'd grab some eyeliner...or one of her temp tattoos...or her spray-on hair dye. You get the idea. I have some photos she took of some of her handiwork, since you're probably interested. Fortunately, there are no photos of her handiwork the next day...but that's later.
She couldn't quite get the hang of Seven Sorrows. She has played the other Gauntlets before, but Seven Sorrows is different from the others. In those you just had one attack really, maybe one that was merely slower rate of fire and more powerful. And you'd have magic and specials, yada yada. Well, in Seven Sorrows, each of the four main buttons do a different attack and you can use combos, and buy more with your gold. And the characters aren't really colored based on which color the player is (red, green, blue, yellow, for the four players). I think that throws her off too. It was still fun playing with her, though, and I'm sure she could get the hang of it.
I don't remember if she got a pic of it or not, but she originally tried drawing lightning trailing from the edge of my eyes with the eyeliner, in a nice blue with a black outlining, that looked really damn cool. We ended up wiping it off, but I kinda liked it. I'm thinking it'd be neat if I were to spend Halloween with her, partly for letting her play with my face. >.>;
She had fun with dying my hair blue. That was an interesting experience. It washed right out, so no biggie. I don't think it quite looked right, though. She didn't get all of my hair, just most of it, so I had brown and blue mixing together on my head. If she'd used black to replace all the brown, it would've looked really good I think.
We mostly behaved. We cuddled a bit, with her leaning against me and my arms around her. I've wanted to do that for so very long, and it felt so peaceful. I ended up kissing her later on, too, just once. It was short and sweet, but it was still enjoyable. Can you believe I've been waiting years for that first kiss? The first of many. Anyways, I'm sure none of you really care to read about this, so we'll move on.
What else...hmm. It's hard to really remember these past two days and describe them without getting too boring with it all, or mentioning stuff that shouldn't be mentioned, because I'm half-asleep right now.
Okay, umm...between this line and the last I actually went to sleep and then woke up the next day. Oops. Hehe. Anyways, back to the blogging.
We also did attempt at some outdoorsy stuff. She tried getting me to play badminton, frisbee, and catch. I don't think either of us are particularly athletically inclined, but she discovered I am definitely not designed for physical activity. Certainly not in my current shape, either. At least she didn't manage to completely embarrass me in some fashion. It was very humid out, and Kitiy loves to wear long-sleeved stuff when outside (she acts like a vampire a bit, so uh...she doesn't like sunlight much, and let's just leave it at that), so we went in after a short bit. We didn't really try to play a serious game or anything, just kinda goofed around.
I met her kitties, too. Well, two of them. Clarence and Frank. Clarence is so very frail and dainty, I was worried I'd crush him to death just holding him. He apparently has allergy problems. Frank I didn't see much of, as he seemed to like lounging on a chair on the back porch all the time, but he meowed at me a bit and let me pet him. They have another cat called Smokey, who apparently is the big mean one of the group, that I haven't seen hide nor hair of yet.
Later that day her dad got back home from work and I met him. He's taller than I expected. He also apparently always looks grumpy. He just seems to have a naturally grumpy expression, whether or not he really is. I should probably mention that he's a high school chemistry & physical science teacher. He's all right as dads go, but after having been at her place two days now, and after yesterday, I can see why she doesn't get along with him. But we can get to that later.
Well, he took us off to CiCi's for dinner that night. Yeah, not the fanciest place to eat, nor the kind of place you'd normally go to eat with your girlfriend, but Kitiy was the one who had the idea I think. Or maybe it was her dad. Either way, we ate pizza and talked about stuff. Before we went off to CiCi's though, we had a small crisis with me forgetting where I'd put my wallet. Turns out it was in my laptop bag the whole time, so I feel somewhat stupid.
After CiCi's, we stopped by a small snow cone place. She got this Root Beer & Bubblegum flavor that she says everybody is afraid of. I took a bit of hers and I didn't see what the big deal was. It tasted good. I went with a Cherry Limeade on my own, though.
After that, he took me back to my hotel. I wish I could have spent more time with Kitiy that day, as it wasn't even dark yet, but oh well. We'll have more time.
It wasn't until I got inside my hotel that I realized: I'd forgotten my power cord at her place. Yeah, I'd taken my laptop with me, partially because I might get around to using it for some reason, and partially because I never like leaving my laptop alone. I guess I just don't trust people around it.
Well, I spent my entire battery talking to Kitiy through Yahoo about stuff, somewhat involving how I plan to get down to Broken Arrow the next day since her dad is busy. The plan was for me to take a bus over to her dad's high school, where he'll be finishing up stuff for the end of their school year, and he'll drag her along so she can see me.
Well, I was looking at bus routes and everything, trying to get it all figured out before the battery ran dry. I mostly got it planned, but the battery dried up when I was in the process of double-checking. Damn.
Well, that night I decided to sleep with one of Kitiy's gifts. She apparently finds it to be very very wrong that I have no stuffed animals, so she decided to "lend" me one of hers. I haven't slept with a stuffed animal for so long, I don't even remember how old I was when I stopped, but I decided that night to do so. It's a white cat, that is apparently named Kiki.
But, before I went to sleep, I took the time to do my laundry. Something I've been needing to do. Fortunately, laundry is only 50 cents a load, and detergent (for one load) only costs a dollar at the front desk. I didn't actually get to sleep until about 12:30am as a result.
I woke up the next day at 5:40am. I didn't even really feel all that groggy. So I get ready for the day and then I rush out at about 6:30am to try and enact my plan for reaching Kitiy that day. Turns out the bus I had planned to take to Broken Arrow originally was heading to downtown from Broken Arrow and wouldn't head back until the evening. It's a good thing the driver knew her business. She pointed me to a different bus to take down to some hospital, where I could take another bus to get where I needed. Everything turned out all right though and I made it to the high school where her dad teaches, much much earlier than they expected, too. Not that anybody complained about it.
We ended up spending most of the day there, waiting for her dad to finish up with all the stuff his job needed him to finish. Meetings, grades, cleaning up the room. He had Kitiy and me help out, which I really didn't mind. After all, he's being so hospitable to me about coming up here, I think it's only right that I offer help where I can. He had a bunch of his students come in to clean up the room, but I can get to that later.
Kitiy and I got bored very quickly in that high school classroom. We were alone most of the time, waiting for her dad to be done with stuff, so that was kinda nice, but still bothersome.
She ended up getting into a really bad mood because of how long we were there at the school, especially when her dad's students came in. Preppy people just completely piss her off, and having to watch them goof off and nearly break things with ping pong balls while her dad wasn't in the room didn't exactly help things.
But, before that happened, we ended up going to Sonic together for lunch. I tried to pay for her food, but she absolutely insisted to pay. At least she didn't get much, just a hamburger and an ice cream cone. Looking back at it, you can kinda call it our first "date" in that we went out to eat by ourselves. Going to Sonic alone with her may not seem like much of a date, or that big of a deal, to some of you, but it meant something to me. It was really the first time her dad let us go off on our own, and it makes me feel good.
We finally got to go back to their house around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Note that I'd gotten to the school at like 9 in the morning. Kitiy was really not happy about it, saying that the day was completely wasted. I don't think it was a total waste, myself. Sure...we were in a dreadfully boring classroom all day long doing mostly nothing, but we were together and to me...that's what matters. Whatever time we get together, I'm not going to take for granted.
And we still got to spend some hours together in her room. We didn't play video games at all this time and we watched some of the anime she's managed to collect. Quality time with my lover, naturally. It was only until about 8pm, though, before her dad took me back to my hotel. By that point she was in a bad mood...her parents have been steadily getting on her nerves the more the days go on it seems. It was the sort of bad mood where she just didn't feel like talking about it, so...I didn't really know what else to do besides hold her hand or hug her and just generally be there. I think I was some help, but it's hard to say.
She's been wanting to go off to her mom's house (being that her original set of parents divorced and all...eh, it's a long story) ever since, and it doesn't help that they seem to be ignoring her completely when she asks if she can.
Suffice it to say, I've seen enough of her home life in person now to understand why she gets so pissed off at them so often.
Well, now we have plans to go off to the mall for the day. I am in much need of purchasing pants that fit me comfortably, and well...it's generally a good place for a girl and a boy to spend the day together I suppose. Not necessarily the whole day, though. Some hours in the mall will be spent, and then we'll probably go on back to her house for a bit before her parents decide that it's time for me to go back to my hotel. I know I'm looking forward to it, because the plan is that her dad will drop us off and we'll call or he'll call later. Hopefully I won't end up spending too much.
I'll let you know how things go later. :)
5/31/2007
5/29/2007
Panic?
Well, I sit here in Dallas, now, at 4 in the morning, waiting for a Greyhound to Tulsa to come at about 6am, and only a few people actually know of it. I don't have Internet access here, or a power outlet even, so I'm just typing this up in OpenOffice to post up later.
I haven't told my parents about this trip I'm taking, but...hey, if Jacob gets to go to Germany, with his girlfriend, for a month, I think I can go visit my girlfriend, for the first time ever, in Oklahoma for just a week.
Sure...I probably should still be telling them...just so they know and don't freak out about it later, but I really don't want to have to deal with them lately. I know they'd worry a lot, and maybe mom would get all teary about growing up...but I know I'd also get a lot of troublesome lectures, mostly involving money, being careful about people, how I should be applying for jobs right now instead and other shit like that.
But let's put that aside for now...
I left Austin at about midnight. It turns out that, since it happened to be Memorial Day, the Capital Metro buses decided to run on a Sunday schedule. Which meant that the buses don't run late enough at night for me to get to the Greyhound terminal that way.
I discovered this change in bus schedule when I was at HEB, having recently bought some cat food, waiting for a bus one hour after the last one was supposed to stop there. So I walked home from there...it probably wasn't that far. I think it took me 30-40 minutes. I honestly can't remember it that well, because I was running on no sleep for the past 21 hours when I started walking, and then I ended up walking a few miles...so I was exhausted in like 30 different ways when I got home. I immediately jumped into the shower to simply rinse the sweat off. Well...least I got exercise from it.
So...once I got home, at 10pm, I rushed packing up my things as fast as I could...with a mind and body that were so heavily exhausted, both from lack of sleep and physical exertion, that I was feeling heavy and sluggish, and I struggled not to collapse onto my bed.
I don't think I've forgotten anything important....if I have, it's too late now. I had to pick up my ticket about an hour before the bus left the terminal, at 11:30 or so. I could probably pick it up as late as when the bus is boarding at midnight, but it's best to be safe. So...I wasn't finished packing until 11:15pm. Yikes, eh? Not only that, but now I had to either beg a ride from Will, or call a taxi and hope for the best.
Luckily, though Will was asleep, having passed out unexpectedly, (for me and him), he woke up...and I explained the circumstances, and he was more than willing to help me out. He even waited while I got my ticket and everything before leaving. It's nice to have a roomy who's willing to help you out in times of dire need. Hooray for extenuating circumstances?
So...I found out that I was to take a bus from Austin to Dallas, and then from Dallas to Tulsa. So it's not a straight 12 hour trip. I'd actually have preferred the 12 hour trip, cause then I could've slept the whole way, even if my legs would get painfully cramped up. So we got in Dallas at about 3am. That kind of surprised me, actually, as the ticket said I'd get here at 4:30am. I don't mind, really. I couldn't get any sleep, though I tried like hell. I mean...I leaned back in the chair and listened to my music for almost the whole trip...and I closed my eyes and everything. My body just refused to really sleep in such a position...I guess my body got used to sleeping spread out as much as possible.
See...I claim I can sleep anywhere: a bed, the couch, the floor, the ground (as long as I have a blanket or something between me and nature)...but I have to be able to stretch out and spread out to be comfortable and really get some good sleep.
I think I did sleep a little. An hour or two max. But it never was that deep a sleep; I felt fully conscious of the passing hours for the whole trip. That was rather painful to endure....the passage of that much time doing nothing. Is that even called sleep? If so, I don't know how. I didn't enjoy it at all, and though I'm not on the verge of passing out anymore, I can still feel the shaky nerves when I lift my arms up. They literally are shaking, and it's not just cause I'm nervous.
When the bus pulled in close to Dallas, I just kinda stared at the buildings with the big glowing lights thinking, “Woah...what the hell is that?”
When I think about places I've traveled to...I like to think of it as places I went to, or made an attempt to go to. Not necessarily on my own, like this, but I mean...places where I wasn't just dragged along with my parents. I'm sure you get the picture.
Anyways, if you list the places I've traveled using those restrictions, I've never been anywhere in my life but San Antonio and Austin. So I've now been to Dallas in person, on my own and by my own will.
It's an odd feeling, to think that I'm traveling somewhere on my own, and even without my parent's knowledge. Though...don't tell Kitiy's parents that. They seem to need to have my own parents aware of this. I'll just say yes...and hope things don't go haywire. Apparently, her dad wants my parent's contact information in case of an emergency...I just pray he doesn't decide to call them and mention this little trip until after it's over.
Really...I think that's the one big kink in everything I'm doing here. I have to give them my parent's contact information, in case of an emergency. And I do agree it's a good idea. If something happens to me, they'll want to contact somebody who knows me, contact my own family. But...what if they decide to call and ask my parents directly, “Do you know your son is up in Oklahoma right now?”
I don't want to feel like a delinquent or anything...but I don't want my parents to have to deal with this knowledge right now. I've been torn on whether or not to tell them about this...about Kitiy...but I just can't make a decision.
I must say, my feelings about this entire ordeal are really...mixed up and confused. A part of me somewhere is panicking. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'll admit it...this whole ordeal frightens part of me to no end, and I can't tell if I'm shaking from nervousness, fear, or just the lack of sleep. It's probably the emotional part of me, the part of me that actually feels the emotions, that is panicking. At the same time, I'm elated....what's about to happen is a very big thing for me. I'm going to meet my girlfriend, who I met online years ago, for the first time. Ever. In person. I'm looking forward to this so much....and yet I'm scared of it at the same time. It's not a pleasant mix, to be honest.
I keep worrying that something will go wrong...and I can't get it to go away. Panic and worry are not good to have in combination either. I'm so far succeeding on putting on a calm exterior...for the most part at least. Typing this up is helping to pass the time at least.
I just also...I dunno, I have such strong disbelief that this is really happening to me. It's just such a big event for me. Huge. Life-changing. Which is funny, because going to college felt like no big deal to me at all. I think a psychiatrist would want to make note of how different I reacted to those two.
A part of me wishes I brought someone to come with me...to be my support or something on the trip. But I don't want to be a burden to people. Besides...why would anybody want to go to Oklahoma? Everybody I know wants to get out.
So...those of you who think of me as a friend...those of you who care. Please wish me good luck on this trip. Good health and all those other kinds of good things...I think I need that kind of well-wishing right about now. I don't think I've ever been this nervous about something I personally made the decision to carry out, something I've wanted to do for a long time now. I'm not stopping or turning back. I'm doing this...I just wish I wasn't so scared of doing it. Did other people feel like this when they first went to travel away from home? When people I know went off somewhere for the sake of travel...were they frightened of it all too?
The second part of the trip, the ride from Dallas to Tulsa, wasn't that bad at all. The bus driver was even cheerful and mildly talkative.
I still find Greyhound buses to be terribly uncomfortable, though. Your legs get so painfully cramped, and there's practically no leg room between you and the seat in front of you. I'm glad we stopped every now and then to stretch our legs.
Anyways, we made a couple of stops in small towns, where other people were to get off it seems, and eventually McDonald's for a 9am breakfast.
I didn't really feel tired for some reason. Mildly sleepy, but not tired enough to actually take a nap. Though I did end up taking small naps out of pure boredom. One can only listen to 2GBs of music for so long before losing interest in it. My mp3 player's battery also died about an hour away from Tulsa.
Once I made it to the Greyhound terminal, I grabbed my bag ASAP, and headed west on 3rd street. I knew that a major bus terminal was over on Denver and 3rd, so I headed towards that. I found it after a somewhat tiring walk.
I did have a small crisis upon remembering that bus fares were raised from $1 to $1.25 (they did this in Austin recently, and apparently across the board as well, but I never paid attention to it being a UT student), so I got change for a $5 bill from the change machines. I've got many quarters on my person right now.
Anyways, after that, I went on a rather confusing ride on bus 210 to get to my hotel, but I've rather obviously made it. It's nicer than most hotels I've been to. It has it's own kitchen for crying out loud!
Not stocked, sadly. No foods, I mean. But still. It's got a kitchen. If I were looking to stay here for a month and/or had thought to bring my own supplies, this would be really awesome. How many hotels have built-in kitchens?
What about a sofa?
Kitiy pointed out to me...that I really should tell my parents about this whole thing. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. But she asked me herself over the phone...and she mentioned that her step-mom knew the truth, but that she didn't mind as long as I was about to call them.
Well...funny thing is, my phone wouldn't reach hers for some odd reason. It wasn't even a missed call, she just didn't get it. I could've left voicemail, but I never like dealing with that.
This is probably odd from someone who prefers contact through e-mail and IM, but voice mail just feels too impersonal.
Anyways...my mom is rather understanding about this. She is concerned...I did spend $700 to come up here...and I am going off to meet a stranger. She apparently is impressed that I was mature enough to undertake this trip all on my own...buying the Greyhound ticket and getting up here safely and everything.
Anyways...I'm glad that's out of the way. Now I don't have to worry about the whole "Do your parents know you're up here?" question.
It's been decided that she and I will finally meet tomorrow, rather than tonight. It's just that we wouldn't get that much time to sit and talk about things, since her dad has had to work all day today and he is kinda my ride (unless I want to call a cab...ugh)...so she decided we'll start off by her coming to get me at 9 in the morning tomorrow, have the emotional first meeting and the awkward introduction to/of parents...then go off to hang out and do stuff...yada yada. She apparently has lots of ideas about how we'll spend our time, so...I think I'll leave that mostly to her.
Ah. Finally! My food is here.
I've ordered Chinese take-out. :)
Well, sorry for the long blog...but, here I am in Tulsa. The adventure will continue after today. ^.^;
5/15/2007
Drake's Island
Is it just me, or am I getting worse at these blog titles as time goes on? I need more imagination I guess. Or maybe I just need actual direction in writing my blogs. Though...do personal blogs really need any direction?
Okay, nevermind. Once I actually write the blog, I can get a title. It's just, before that, I tend to put in something like "grr" or "sigh" or some other such non-informative non-creative title, and it bugs me every time.
Anyways. Things lately...they're pretty much the same as always: bad. (Now why am I thinking of South Park...? It involves a chef.)
Which reminds me. My diet sucks. And so does heartburn. Ginger ale is my friend. Being fat sucks too. I need to learn to love sweat...and fast.
Let's see...grades first, I suppose. Now...you think I'd have learned my lesson. In fact. Even I thought it. Well...not after the first month of the semester, I didn't, but you know...past tense is past tense. I just thought the minor improvement I had made was...well...less minor.
It seems I'll have two Fs, a D (I was hoping for C in 315, but I was obviously off...), and an Incomplete (which, uh...is probably just as bad as an F without affecting your GPA? I'm not sure).
I blame (most) of my bad 315 grade on Rohit. He's a great guy. Intellegent. Good at coding.
He just fails at following the direction for turning in point-worthy projects. Four times. Out of five projects. That's 45x4, which is 180 points (out of 1000). That's *almost* two full letter grades. 18% lost. That would be a high C or a low B. Also, if it weren't for those zeroes, I would likely have been more inclined to put effort into my puzzlers, which I only did half of really...less, since I did two. Out of 5. But those are 15 points each. That's only 45 points lost.
I went to *almost* every lecture. And missed only one discussion (the last one). I got 36/40 on attendance, which means I improved by a LOT from last year (seriously). I just feel kinda miffed...disappointed even. The one class I put effort into...and I did try...I get a frickin' D in.
My self-esteem cries out from this most recent wound of stabbity nature.
So, now semester's over. This means I have more free time than I know what to do with, obviously. Well, okay... I've got several video games I enjoy playing. I've got the Internet at my fingertips (literally at this moment...yeah, that was bad). I could also go chill out with my friends in person (*gasp* what a novel idea). I also have a cat (who really is quite a brat).
Of course, I'm the sort of person who would get bored with all of that, quite easily in fact. I obviously need something that makes me miserable first to properly enjoy the things I do in my free time. Sad the way the world works, ain't it?
I need a job. Yes, there's the money, but it's also nice to have something to do. But um. Hmm. I can't seem to get myself into action.
Part of it is that I still want to go up to OK and visit Kitiy...and it would kinda be best to do that while I still lack any real (immediate) responsibilities. I have worked out the plan, for the most part. It involves a Greyhound to Tulsa and a week at a hotel, if things are to go as planned. The trouble lies in three places: A) I need pants. (I'll get to this later) B) I need spending cash in my pockets. (for public transportation, laundry, and because I like using real cash more than plastic) C) I need to know her dad's address, or merely a place to meet with her, since she'll be there and not her mom's.
Speaking of Kitiy...things aren't going well for her lately...they're going rather horribly in fact. For one thing, her mom now has no money. A jackass of a boss causing lack of a job tends to do that to a person. And she's not at all like me, so she IS applying for jobs, she IS trying to be a responsible adult. It's just...nobody's hired her yet. It's hard to do that when you're on your own.
My own mom's had to deal with that sort of thing, and my dad too, but at least when it happened to them, the other parent still had a job and there was still some money saved up in the bank. That's better than no money, if you're not good with quantities.
This obviously means she's going off to live with her dad (and step-mom). She hates them, and they hate her (and her mom), and there's no secrets about it. She's not got much Internet access, either. I've mentioned this before, but her dad basically took Kitiy's computer when their's broke, and then put a password on it so she can't use it. So she has to beg for permission to go online at all. Which means I won't see her much, if at all.
On that subject, she told me she intends not to bother IMing anymore, since she basically only gets an hour of computer access per day (if at all) anyways. Which really saddens me more than these words describe. I'd rather take 1 hour than nothing at all. Some kind of contact. She's important to me after all...more important than Fiona and my computer by far.
Maybe it's just because I can't imagine life without the Interwebs. Sad, I know.
Oh, another thing to mention...it would seem that her precious feline companion, Tramp, is slowly leaving this world. Apparently he's nowhere near a state of good health. And by nowhere near, I mean they've already considered the option of putting him to sleep. It's not a pleasant thought. She needs Tramp. He's like her best friend. Ya know how hard it is to know your best friend is dying, and you can do nothing about it? I hope she doesn't do anything drastic. I need to give her a real hug soon, I think. She's going to need a lot of that sort of thing.
Anyways. The pants. As I'm sure you all are dying to hear of. The basic gist of the problem is that my waist has increased by an amount I've not yet properly measured. Suffice it to say, when I ordered medium-sized pants from Hot Topic, I had to exchange them for XL pants. However, difficulties have arisen. First, my printer's ink dried up. I was unable to print the return label, and am too much of a recluse to journey to campus and use the TAY basement printer (which I've honestly never used nor figured out how to access). So I ordered more ink from online, naturally. Should be here soon, but you know how things go sometimes. I'll have to request another return label thingy since it expired.
Also, they did ship the pants before I actually returned these. Problem is, I wasn't home the two times they tried to deliver. Maybe even *gasp* three. They manage to show up, always, without fail, when I'm on campus. Now, according to the tracking number, they are holding it at an as yet undisclosed FedEx location where I am expected to pick it up.
Frustration ensues. Will I ever again get to wear pants that fit comfortably and feel good (fashion-wise) wearing?! I refuse to wear jeans. I do not wish to go down to a normal store in person and buy some random baggy cargos either.
These pants I ordered cost $300 total after all. Spending more money for pants would be absurd. Yes. Five pairs of pants. $60 each. Do not expect me to shop at Hot Topic often, I must say.
But perhaps I will cave and request of Will a visit to Wal-mart, where they sell pants, and where I've bought pants most of my life. After all. Sometimes, you need to wear seemingly-normal pants. Hot Topic pants are definitely not something I'd wear to most jobs.
Okay...let's see....topic...topic...neeeed a topic...
Insomnia is not worthy. I only managed to stay up all last night in a meek attempt to reverse my backwards sleeping cycle. Nothing new. Sure...a can of Amp, more liver damage, but not really what I call worth blogging.
Which I apparently just did. Hmm.
I forgot my dad's birthday. And...I'm ashamed to admit...Mother's Day. I feel horrible. I apologized by e-mail. Explained how life just passes me by lately, as best I could. But you know, it's still there...the guilt.
Even if I never get along with my family. It's always talk of money, grades, what I need to do, and what I shouldn't have done. But still...it's the principle of the thing.
I feel so alone lately. Fiona is the only living soul, besides my room mate Will (who is really a bit of a recluse who usually stays in his room anyways), I've seen in weeks. You know. Physically encountered.
Unless the pizza delivery person (I try to not be gender specific, some have been female) counts, which I honestly don't. No offense to them, but...they're just bringing me food. It's not much interaction.
I dunno...I mean...I've always felt rather alone. Even among friends, I kinda just put on a face and try to be what everyone always sees anyways. But...you know...there's just not really anybody I've been able to get close with for years. Matt and Paul are good buddies and pals and fun to hang with, but recently, apparently, we've just kinda drifted to our own paths. Scott, and Keith, and Rohit...they're great fun, yeah. I even trust the first two rather well with things in my life I usually don't like to talk about. But...well...I still feel such a barrier. I also haven't socialized with them for a couple weeks. They weren't even at the end of the year officer party or LAN party! I still wish to chastise them for this. They even said they'd come. Bastards. I was bored for a good many hours and even entered into the Super Smash Brothers Melee tournament (I got second. I could never beat Buckley with ease, and I haven't played for over a year. Yeah, yeah, excuses, but hey...it's the truth).
I wanted to play Supreme Commander. A big match...but I only played thrice, when Tina finally showed. The first we didn't finish, because Daniel decided to join in. The third we didn't finish because we ran out of time, and I was even doing better that time. I almost killed a commander merely 20 minutes in. (and that's saying something)
Maybe this is why I've been told to see a counselor. The whole...loneliness..sporadic depression thing. Though it's lately not so sporadic and more constant.
Is every man an island? It sure seems that way.
Okay, nevermind. Once I actually write the blog, I can get a title. It's just, before that, I tend to put in something like "grr" or "sigh" or some other such non-informative non-creative title, and it bugs me every time.
Anyways. Things lately...they're pretty much the same as always: bad. (Now why am I thinking of South Park...? It involves a chef.)
Which reminds me. My diet sucks. And so does heartburn. Ginger ale is my friend. Being fat sucks too. I need to learn to love sweat...and fast.
Let's see...grades first, I suppose. Now...you think I'd have learned my lesson. In fact. Even I thought it. Well...not after the first month of the semester, I didn't, but you know...past tense is past tense. I just thought the minor improvement I had made was...well...less minor.
It seems I'll have two Fs, a D (I was hoping for C in 315, but I was obviously off...), and an Incomplete (which, uh...is probably just as bad as an F without affecting your GPA? I'm not sure).
I blame (most) of my bad 315 grade on Rohit. He's a great guy. Intellegent. Good at coding.
He just fails at following the direction for turning in point-worthy projects. Four times. Out of five projects. That's 45x4, which is 180 points (out of 1000). That's *almost* two full letter grades. 18% lost. That would be a high C or a low B. Also, if it weren't for those zeroes, I would likely have been more inclined to put effort into my puzzlers, which I only did half of really...less, since I did two. Out of 5. But those are 15 points each. That's only 45 points lost.
I went to *almost* every lecture. And missed only one discussion (the last one). I got 36/40 on attendance, which means I improved by a LOT from last year (seriously). I just feel kinda miffed...disappointed even. The one class I put effort into...and I did try...I get a frickin' D in.
My self-esteem cries out from this most recent wound of stabbity nature.
So, now semester's over. This means I have more free time than I know what to do with, obviously. Well, okay... I've got several video games I enjoy playing. I've got the Internet at my fingertips (literally at this moment...yeah, that was bad). I could also go chill out with my friends in person (*gasp* what a novel idea). I also have a cat (who really is quite a brat).
Of course, I'm the sort of person who would get bored with all of that, quite easily in fact. I obviously need something that makes me miserable first to properly enjoy the things I do in my free time. Sad the way the world works, ain't it?
I need a job. Yes, there's the money, but it's also nice to have something to do. But um. Hmm. I can't seem to get myself into action.
Part of it is that I still want to go up to OK and visit Kitiy...and it would kinda be best to do that while I still lack any real (immediate) responsibilities. I have worked out the plan, for the most part. It involves a Greyhound to Tulsa and a week at a hotel, if things are to go as planned. The trouble lies in three places: A) I need pants. (I'll get to this later) B) I need spending cash in my pockets. (for public transportation, laundry, and because I like using real cash more than plastic) C) I need to know her dad's address, or merely a place to meet with her, since she'll be there and not her mom's.
Speaking of Kitiy...things aren't going well for her lately...they're going rather horribly in fact. For one thing, her mom now has no money. A jackass of a boss causing lack of a job tends to do that to a person. And she's not at all like me, so she IS applying for jobs, she IS trying to be a responsible adult. It's just...nobody's hired her yet. It's hard to do that when you're on your own.
My own mom's had to deal with that sort of thing, and my dad too, but at least when it happened to them, the other parent still had a job and there was still some money saved up in the bank. That's better than no money, if you're not good with quantities.
This obviously means she's going off to live with her dad (and step-mom). She hates them, and they hate her (and her mom), and there's no secrets about it. She's not got much Internet access, either. I've mentioned this before, but her dad basically took Kitiy's computer when their's broke, and then put a password on it so she can't use it. So she has to beg for permission to go online at all. Which means I won't see her much, if at all.
On that subject, she told me she intends not to bother IMing anymore, since she basically only gets an hour of computer access per day (if at all) anyways. Which really saddens me more than these words describe. I'd rather take 1 hour than nothing at all. Some kind of contact. She's important to me after all...more important than Fiona and my computer by far.
Maybe it's just because I can't imagine life without the Interwebs. Sad, I know.
Oh, another thing to mention...it would seem that her precious feline companion, Tramp, is slowly leaving this world. Apparently he's nowhere near a state of good health. And by nowhere near, I mean they've already considered the option of putting him to sleep. It's not a pleasant thought. She needs Tramp. He's like her best friend. Ya know how hard it is to know your best friend is dying, and you can do nothing about it? I hope she doesn't do anything drastic. I need to give her a real hug soon, I think. She's going to need a lot of that sort of thing.
Anyways. The pants. As I'm sure you all are dying to hear of. The basic gist of the problem is that my waist has increased by an amount I've not yet properly measured. Suffice it to say, when I ordered medium-sized pants from Hot Topic, I had to exchange them for XL pants. However, difficulties have arisen. First, my printer's ink dried up. I was unable to print the return label, and am too much of a recluse to journey to campus and use the TAY basement printer (which I've honestly never used nor figured out how to access). So I ordered more ink from online, naturally. Should be here soon, but you know how things go sometimes. I'll have to request another return label thingy since it expired.
Also, they did ship the pants before I actually returned these. Problem is, I wasn't home the two times they tried to deliver. Maybe even *gasp* three. They manage to show up, always, without fail, when I'm on campus. Now, according to the tracking number, they are holding it at an as yet undisclosed FedEx location where I am expected to pick it up.
Frustration ensues. Will I ever again get to wear pants that fit comfortably and feel good (fashion-wise) wearing?! I refuse to wear jeans. I do not wish to go down to a normal store in person and buy some random baggy cargos either.
These pants I ordered cost $300 total after all. Spending more money for pants would be absurd. Yes. Five pairs of pants. $60 each. Do not expect me to shop at Hot Topic often, I must say.
But perhaps I will cave and request of Will a visit to Wal-mart, where they sell pants, and where I've bought pants most of my life. After all. Sometimes, you need to wear seemingly-normal pants. Hot Topic pants are definitely not something I'd wear to most jobs.
Okay...let's see....topic...topic...neeeed a topic...
Insomnia is not worthy. I only managed to stay up all last night in a meek attempt to reverse my backwards sleeping cycle. Nothing new. Sure...a can of Amp, more liver damage, but not really what I call worth blogging.
Which I apparently just did. Hmm.
I forgot my dad's birthday. And...I'm ashamed to admit...Mother's Day. I feel horrible. I apologized by e-mail. Explained how life just passes me by lately, as best I could. But you know, it's still there...the guilt.
Even if I never get along with my family. It's always talk of money, grades, what I need to do, and what I shouldn't have done. But still...it's the principle of the thing.
I feel so alone lately. Fiona is the only living soul, besides my room mate Will (who is really a bit of a recluse who usually stays in his room anyways), I've seen in weeks. You know. Physically encountered.
Unless the pizza delivery person (I try to not be gender specific, some have been female) counts, which I honestly don't. No offense to them, but...they're just bringing me food. It's not much interaction.
I dunno...I mean...I've always felt rather alone. Even among friends, I kinda just put on a face and try to be what everyone always sees anyways. But...you know...there's just not really anybody I've been able to get close with for years. Matt and Paul are good buddies and pals and fun to hang with, but recently, apparently, we've just kinda drifted to our own paths. Scott, and Keith, and Rohit...they're great fun, yeah. I even trust the first two rather well with things in my life I usually don't like to talk about. But...well...I still feel such a barrier. I also haven't socialized with them for a couple weeks. They weren't even at the end of the year officer party or LAN party! I still wish to chastise them for this. They even said they'd come. Bastards. I was bored for a good many hours and even entered into the Super Smash Brothers Melee tournament (I got second. I could never beat Buckley with ease, and I haven't played for over a year. Yeah, yeah, excuses, but hey...it's the truth).
I wanted to play Supreme Commander. A big match...but I only played thrice, when Tina finally showed. The first we didn't finish, because Daniel decided to join in. The third we didn't finish because we ran out of time, and I was even doing better that time. I almost killed a commander merely 20 minutes in. (and that's saying something)
Maybe this is why I've been told to see a counselor. The whole...loneliness..sporadic depression thing. Though it's lately not so sporadic and more constant.
Is every man an island? It sure seems that way.
5/04/2007
End Plans
Well...today will be the last day of classes this semester. Yippee! Not that I went to most of them anyways...kinda sad to say that eh? *sigh*
Actually, it's just one class. CS315's last class was Wednesday. And I stopped going to CS310 months ago. So it's just EDP310.
Anyways, I took the CS315 final a couple hours ago...and I did much better than I expected. I'll honestly be surprised to get more than ten points below a perfect grade. Actually...even that shall shock me. I don't want to say I expect a perfect score, but I didn't guess anywhere...and I wasn't even stumped on the programming problems.
Of course...with my luck, and my record in the world of jinxing myself, I will likely get such a low grade that I will want to give up on CS and become a liberal arts major (gag...).
Okay, I seriously doubt it'll be that bad. I just hate it when I get all hyped up for seeing a high (near-perfect) grade on a big exam, then seeing like...70% when I get it back. Cause that's painful.
So why am I awake right now instead of sleeping for my last class so I can go out and party (aka crash at Brett's place more and play mind-numbing video games while eating too much Taco Bell)? Simple...there's some kind of important project due on this final day of class that I've not put any effort into, so now I'm staying up all night to do just that. I think I may actually have a second assignment to do for it to fulfill some other requirement. Ah well...
And yet...here I am wasting time typing up a blurb...watching new anime episodes, freshly torrented...considering playing video games...
Just kill me now.
I may, after this week, visit Oklahoma. For most of you, the response is, "Wait, what...where'd that come from? And why Oklahoma? Nothing's there!". But, hey, Kitiy is there. I don't know how soon I may go through with this idea, but I've had it for a while now. Maybe for the whole week after classes end I'll go do this, while claiming to be swamped with studying for finals so I don't have to deal with my parents wanting to lecture or whatever.
Speaking of parents lecturing...I still don't know how the hell I'll get off easy with my new laptop. Yeah, I did need a new one all semester, everybody who spends time with me in person often knows how often I complained about it, or noticed how beat-up the poor thing was...and hearing about my various issues with the darn thing running (I do believe I blurbed that one day where my computer would auto-shutdown or whatever after only 5 minutes of running...and then just magically started working again). Yeah. All legitimate excuses for buying a new laptop, right?
Somehow, I feel it won't be enough for my parents. They'll see the number 1,600 and just won't be able to think about anything else.
I'm seriously considering cutting myself off from them completely, at least as far as dependency is concerned. Yeah...I've been doing bad in college for a while now, while still spending loan money on stuff my parents wouldn't want me to (gee, some expenditures may have been a tad excessive, but I had so much extra it really was ridiculous). Yeah...I don't have a job and am technically a bum. Yeah...all that...and my parents will probably want to pull me off to San Antonio to attend UTSA or Northwest Vista or something after this semester.
But you know what? Fuck that. I'm 20-years-old...yeah, I'm not successful. I've got life problems that are tough to fix. But going back to live with my parents isn't going to help. Seriously, how many success stories have you heard about involving living with their parents after the age of 18?
I need to get myself on track, not be pushed on track by money-focused family. If I have to go to ACC, okay, then I have to go ACC, but I'm not going to San Antonio. I have friends here in Austin that know me, and that I'm sure are willing to support me emotionally in ways my parents cannot. At least I get along with my friends and trust their judgment.
So, anyways. I plan to get an hourly-wage job ASAP that I can simply take a bus to, and work my ass off. 40 hours a week if possible. But, first, although I am hesitant to make such a big move, I want to go spend some time with Kitiy up in Tulsa/Broken Arrow. I just think it's something that needs to be done. So maybe...either next week, or the week after that, but definitely sometime this May, before I get a job, I'll hop on a Greyhound.
I want to say I'll be there for a week, but I do happen to have a cat in my apartment, and I'm reluctant to leave her in another's care. I'm probably just a tad over-protective in this though. After all...cats are the low maintenance pet. It's just that leaving her alone for a week feels like I'd be leaving a 5 year-old daughter by herself for a week.
I'll have to do it before I get a job though. If I go and find work it'll be harder to pull away to visit out-of-state. I haven't tried to go yet simply because of the measly two classes I actually attend, and the ACM events and such. I could've gone Spring Break, but I had to house-sit, so...yeah. The upcoming two weeks are the most perfect time for hopping on a Greyhound if there ever was one. I already took both finals, no more assignments to do, no more ACM events, and I shouldn't bother taking finals for classes I've barely attended. Besides Fiona, I'll have practically no responsibilities.
Okay...not exactly next week...ACM LAN party happens to be on Monday. But after that I'm good.
Hmm...I think I've typed waaay more than I intended...and there's no reason to keep going on about this topic either.
Actually, it's just one class. CS315's last class was Wednesday. And I stopped going to CS310 months ago. So it's just EDP310.
Anyways, I took the CS315 final a couple hours ago...and I did much better than I expected. I'll honestly be surprised to get more than ten points below a perfect grade. Actually...even that shall shock me. I don't want to say I expect a perfect score, but I didn't guess anywhere...and I wasn't even stumped on the programming problems.
Of course...with my luck, and my record in the world of jinxing myself, I will likely get such a low grade that I will want to give up on CS and become a liberal arts major (gag...).
Okay, I seriously doubt it'll be that bad. I just hate it when I get all hyped up for seeing a high (near-perfect) grade on a big exam, then seeing like...70% when I get it back. Cause that's painful.
So why am I awake right now instead of sleeping for my last class so I can go out and party (aka crash at Brett's place more and play mind-numbing video games while eating too much Taco Bell)? Simple...there's some kind of important project due on this final day of class that I've not put any effort into, so now I'm staying up all night to do just that. I think I may actually have a second assignment to do for it to fulfill some other requirement. Ah well...
And yet...here I am wasting time typing up a blurb...watching new anime episodes, freshly torrented...considering playing video games...
Just kill me now.
I may, after this week, visit Oklahoma. For most of you, the response is, "Wait, what...where'd that come from? And why Oklahoma? Nothing's there!". But, hey, Kitiy is there. I don't know how soon I may go through with this idea, but I've had it for a while now. Maybe for the whole week after classes end I'll go do this, while claiming to be swamped with studying for finals so I don't have to deal with my parents wanting to lecture or whatever.
Speaking of parents lecturing...I still don't know how the hell I'll get off easy with my new laptop. Yeah, I did need a new one all semester, everybody who spends time with me in person often knows how often I complained about it, or noticed how beat-up the poor thing was...and hearing about my various issues with the darn thing running (I do believe I blurbed that one day where my computer would auto-shutdown or whatever after only 5 minutes of running...and then just magically started working again). Yeah. All legitimate excuses for buying a new laptop, right?
Somehow, I feel it won't be enough for my parents. They'll see the number 1,600 and just won't be able to think about anything else.
I'm seriously considering cutting myself off from them completely, at least as far as dependency is concerned. Yeah...I've been doing bad in college for a while now, while still spending loan money on stuff my parents wouldn't want me to (gee, some expenditures may have been a tad excessive, but I had so much extra it really was ridiculous). Yeah...I don't have a job and am technically a bum. Yeah...all that...and my parents will probably want to pull me off to San Antonio to attend UTSA or Northwest Vista or something after this semester.
But you know what? Fuck that. I'm 20-years-old...yeah, I'm not successful. I've got life problems that are tough to fix. But going back to live with my parents isn't going to help. Seriously, how many success stories have you heard about involving living with their parents after the age of 18?
I need to get myself on track, not be pushed on track by money-focused family. If I have to go to ACC, okay, then I have to go ACC, but I'm not going to San Antonio. I have friends here in Austin that know me, and that I'm sure are willing to support me emotionally in ways my parents cannot. At least I get along with my friends and trust their judgment.
So, anyways. I plan to get an hourly-wage job ASAP that I can simply take a bus to, and work my ass off. 40 hours a week if possible. But, first, although I am hesitant to make such a big move, I want to go spend some time with Kitiy up in Tulsa/Broken Arrow. I just think it's something that needs to be done. So maybe...either next week, or the week after that, but definitely sometime this May, before I get a job, I'll hop on a Greyhound.
I want to say I'll be there for a week, but I do happen to have a cat in my apartment, and I'm reluctant to leave her in another's care. I'm probably just a tad over-protective in this though. After all...cats are the low maintenance pet. It's just that leaving her alone for a week feels like I'd be leaving a 5 year-old daughter by herself for a week.
I'll have to do it before I get a job though. If I go and find work it'll be harder to pull away to visit out-of-state. I haven't tried to go yet simply because of the measly two classes I actually attend, and the ACM events and such. I could've gone Spring Break, but I had to house-sit, so...yeah. The upcoming two weeks are the most perfect time for hopping on a Greyhound if there ever was one. I already took both finals, no more assignments to do, no more ACM events, and I shouldn't bother taking finals for classes I've barely attended. Besides Fiona, I'll have practically no responsibilities.
Okay...not exactly next week...ACM LAN party happens to be on Monday. But after that I'm good.
Hmm...I think I've typed waaay more than I intended...and there's no reason to keep going on about this topic either.
5/02/2007
Eyelids Feeling Heavy...
So, it's the last week of the semester...I'm SO looking forward to seeing just how bad my grades are this time. Yes, if you haven't guessed, my outlook is not hopeful in the least.
Somehow...I managed to, quite literally, sleep through Monday. I'm not sure how.
Okay, I think I woke up at noon and decided "Fuck that, I'm not rushing off to class, without a shower, just to bore myself to death, and then come back right back anyways, having learned absolutely nothing."
I remember playing Command & Conquer 3 for a few hours before I realized my eyes wanted very desperately to close...and my pillow was feeling unusually comfortable. Next thing I know I'm waking up at midnight.
Anyways. We don't have discussion section anymore, so I stayed home yesterday and played video games. I've been sleepy all day, too, and now suddenly...I can't sleep. No clue why. Dammit.
Last week I went off to Hot Topic at the...I don't remember which mall...High-something...with Keith and Nadia. Turns out they don't carry what I'm looking for, so I just gave in and decided I'll ship it off to wherever I'm supposed to ship it for exchanges. I decided to buy all XL pants (36-38 waist). I haven't felt fat until this day. T_T
We also stopped by GameStop while we were there...I feel ashamed. I couldn't resist buying some games (one of which was Command & Conquer 3). I also purchased a little game known as Shadow of the Colossus.
I started playing that today...and I honestly don't know why people say the game is so hard. I beat three colossi today...I don't know that's normal or weak or what, but I didn't really put in any effort. I did die once, but that's only because I messed up on the first colossi, while I was still getting used to the controls. He kinda stepped on me.
I hear lots of stories about people being intimidated by the colossal scale (oooh, yes, the puns) of this game's fights, but I just don't see it. I also have heard people tell me that it's complicated. From my first three colossi, I must say I disagree.
Well, maybe I've just played too much Prince of Persia. While you may not have to worry about the little pink circle that tells you how long you can hold on, it's still a lot of complicated climbing, jumping, swinging and shit, usually involving a long and painful fall to the death...and the traps. Ouch.
Anyways. I'm hoping I can get to my classes today on time instead of sleeping through them again. It's my last week after all. Why does my body do this now rather than next week, when I'll have some free time?
Though that free time won't last long. So I hope. I need to find some sort of hourly wage job. Both for the money, and to occupy my time with something other than sleep and video games.
Somehow...I managed to, quite literally, sleep through Monday. I'm not sure how.
Okay, I think I woke up at noon and decided "Fuck that, I'm not rushing off to class, without a shower, just to bore myself to death, and then come back right back anyways, having learned absolutely nothing."
I remember playing Command & Conquer 3 for a few hours before I realized my eyes wanted very desperately to close...and my pillow was feeling unusually comfortable. Next thing I know I'm waking up at midnight.
Anyways. We don't have discussion section anymore, so I stayed home yesterday and played video games. I've been sleepy all day, too, and now suddenly...I can't sleep. No clue why. Dammit.
Last week I went off to Hot Topic at the...I don't remember which mall...High-something...with Keith and Nadia. Turns out they don't carry what I'm looking for, so I just gave in and decided I'll ship it off to wherever I'm supposed to ship it for exchanges. I decided to buy all XL pants (36-38 waist). I haven't felt fat until this day. T_T
We also stopped by GameStop while we were there...I feel ashamed. I couldn't resist buying some games (one of which was Command & Conquer 3). I also purchased a little game known as Shadow of the Colossus.
I started playing that today...and I honestly don't know why people say the game is so hard. I beat three colossi today...I don't know that's normal or weak or what, but I didn't really put in any effort. I did die once, but that's only because I messed up on the first colossi, while I was still getting used to the controls. He kinda stepped on me.
I hear lots of stories about people being intimidated by the colossal scale (oooh, yes, the puns) of this game's fights, but I just don't see it. I also have heard people tell me that it's complicated. From my first three colossi, I must say I disagree.
Well, maybe I've just played too much Prince of Persia. While you may not have to worry about the little pink circle that tells you how long you can hold on, it's still a lot of complicated climbing, jumping, swinging and shit, usually involving a long and painful fall to the death...and the traps. Ouch.
Anyways. I'm hoping I can get to my classes today on time instead of sleeping through them again. It's my last week after all. Why does my body do this now rather than next week, when I'll have some free time?
Though that free time won't last long. So I hope. I need to find some sort of hourly wage job. Both for the money, and to occupy my time with something other than sleep and video games.
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