I'm a guy who almost never dreams...and when I do dream, I don't remember it. I'll remember it for all of two seconds, and then it's gone and I'll find myself thinking, "What just happened?"
But, for once, I actually managed to remember something of a dream I had last night. Something. Not all of it, just the one part of the dream.
It was a rather long dream where nothing made sense, until I ended up in some very confusing building. Confusing in that I had no idea how to get anywhere and it was very hard to actually get somewhere. Anyways, I was looking for Kitiy, apparently. A very long-winded search of the confusing building led me to her, eventually. I don't remember all of the details, but none of it makes any sense in the real world. Regardless, I eventually found her, apparently with some of her friends. She ended up running away from me before I could say anything, as I guess she didn't know who I was, and because she's really not much of a people person.
I think I remember saying to her "You're LJ!" and "I'm from Texas!" like I was trying to get her to guess who I was. Both caused her to pause momentarily, but it seems she kept running. She eventually lost me, it seems, and I ended up running into one of her friends, who tried to attack me like I was some kind of bad guy who was trying to hurt LJ. For the record, though, she'd fight me herself, not have a friend do it. You don't want to meer this girl in a dark alley on a bad day, trust me.
Anyways, I apparenty explained the situation to this friend, who looked remarkably like somebody I know from here at UT, and started to take me to LJ...I think there was one point where this guy I know from the ACM, this fat Indian guy, who's actually from India and new to UT this year, showed up when I had to choose between two different paths. I believe he said "I'll take the nerdy way," and I ended up saying, "I think I'll go the other way." ...but the dream ended part of the way there, and I don't know if I ever actually got to her. T_T
....I don't get dreams. All I know is that I want to get to her.
And that this dream caused me to miss my classes again. *sigh* -_-
9/27/2006
9/23/2006
Drake is meh
If you don't know what meh is, your life doesn't properly suck.
Well, no luck so far in the job department. That's pretty much all I need to be put into a meh mood. It means I gotta rely on the government loans to pay for rent and food until I can find even a meager paycheck. Not for lack of trying, ya know. It's just so frustrating. I'm an awesome computer guy, if people would just hire me! And if I don't know how to do something, I have ways of figuring it out and learning how to do it in a satisfactory way, too. It's just...it's so frustrating, you know! Although I'd rather not have to work, so I can be completely free to do social events after classes are done and stuff, and spend time with friends, I really do need to get money. Money is...well, it's not good, but I need it. It's especially frustrating when your parents get totally pissed off at you because you haven't got a job. They're 40+ years old, they should know how frustrating it is to try and get that first job, especially when the job market you're suitable for is already saturated. Whatever. I'll...get along somehow. At least I've got a good extra $12k, after tuition, that I can freely use for living expenses. I just need to make sure I don't go and spend a coupld thousand of that on personal items...as tempting as it is.
Maybe I'm just a total loser. You know, like...people instinctively know they shouldn't hire me, or something. Although McDonald's can attest I'm a good employee, better than most, so...it could be that I'm misinterpreted as being a bad employee? I dunno. My introverted, self-confidence-lacking side is rambling.
To make things worse, I'm off to a bad start in classes. Well, one class specifically. CS336. Not that the number means anything to you. I've been to one one of the lectures for it in the past month and recently missed the first homework entirely. Why? Well, I don't skip class on purpose for your information. It's at 8 in the morning, which means I have to wake up at 6am. I haven't been able to get to 8am classes since Fall '05. I often sleep in until 10am, which means I also miss discussions sections for other classes, though I somehow get myself to wake up at 8am to get to 10am classes. Must be that the extra two hours is long enough for the alarm to cut through my dream-state.
I'm also doing badly in EE316, which is something I should truly be ashamed of. It's material is very similar to my CS310 class, so I'm pretty much already learning the material, but it's entirely self-taught. That is, you read from the book, take the professor's tests (more like quizzes, actually), and there's where your grade comes from, plus the final exam. Bad way to teach, but he's an electrical engineering guy, you kinda have to expect him not to understand humans. Basically, I'm behind on what tests I should have taken by now. I want to be ahead of the game, but it's not quite working out that way just yet.
*sigh*
Oh, for the record, I'm doing well in CS315 (the one I'm retaking, so duh) and CS310. Hopefully I don't start messing up in those classes and can soon start climbing back up in the other classes.
I just need to get my sleep schedule back in order and resist the urge to game when I should study.
Seriously, today, I could've studied for the test I need to take in EE316...but I couldn't resist WarCraft III, Smash Brothers, and Soul Calibur...yeah, I'm a loser. I'm a gamer at heart, I can't help it.
But seriously, I'm going to force myself to do better in these classes. I can't screw up two semesters in a row. First time, okay, everybody screws up somewhere in college, it's a normal thing. Yeah, sure, if I were a good little honors student, I'd be so ahead of the game seniors would be behind me, but I think I stopped being an honors-level student after I graduated high school. Screwing up twice? In a row? Shame on me for being a moron, in that case. So, yeah, I can't afford any screw-ups this time around.
At least this semester I'm not all depressed from being a lonely bachelor. I think I can attribute messing up Spring 06 to that. It started kicking in about halfway through, and then totally dragged me down the last month. It got to the point where I didn't see the point in leaving my room, I was so down on myself. Well, except social events with the ACM. Hanging out with those people always leaves me in a good mood, especially if competetive gaming is involved, so I guess I would go there to feel good about myself, even if only for a short time.
But I'm past it now. I have to be. I've got Kitiy, for one. For the other, I did way too much thinking when holed up in my room while skipping classes and playing video games and watching anime. I think my way of thinking changed a bit, and one or two of my philosophical viewpoints on life. Before I got back with Kitiy, I'd come to realize a lot of things about the world of relationships. Strange how the world works. The wise ones are the ones who barely have any exposure to it...you should see some of the advice I've given to people on the subject. I sound like a wiseman, and I feel silly saying it. I read over my advice (it's often sent through internet to them) and I'm like "Wait...did I really just say that?"
Anyways.
Yeah, yeah, a lot of people could blame my addiction to video games an anime for why I did poorly in classes...after all, that's what I did all day. Studying? Nope. Gaming. Hells yes. Forums? You bet. IM? Of course. Anime? I watched so much anime...I'm surprised I'm not Japanese by now. Look at it this way. I felt all depressed and down on myself...what am I going to do in an attempt to feel better? Watch anime with heroic super-powered folks. Read fantasy novels of magical elves and evil gods being destroyed by mortals and stuff like that. Play video games where I can beat down on inferior AI and solve puzzles and practice strategy. It doesn't help, but at least I'm not focusing on myself in my pathetic state of mind. Even if it means I'm failing my classes in the process. It helps to ease the sensation of my overpowering inferiority complex. I guess that would be the psychological term for what I went through.
Meh, I'm making excuses for myself again, aren't I? I was depressed last semester, and partway through the summer, and that caused an intense drop in my grades, end of story.
I've got purpose now, though. Purpose that my heart, soul, and mind can all understand. Success in life, getting good grades, getting a paycheck to afford food, advancing my career...that ain't enough to motivate my heart and soul. Kitiy...she motivates me more than even I can comprehend. I've got to do things right so I can get to her and be proud of what I've done with myself in the meantime. Well...yeah, doing things right, succeeding in life, making my parents proud of me, not falling behind my friends, not looking like a moron to my more-recently-acquired-fellow-ACM-officer friends...true, that's motivation, too. It just wasn't enough, before....before Kitiy came back into my life.
Jeez...it sounds so corny...all sappy. So I'm a romantic, okay? Shut up.
Not my fault it's true. I feel better now, with Kitiy, and I can't explain in any other way but that... I love the idea of being with her. I just gotta get my life in gear so I can go up to Oklahoma one day...that would be the best vacation I could ever have, even if I just spent two days there.
But I must wait. Yes, I must wait. 2 years. Just 2. That's how long, at the very least, I must wait. It's how long I have to make sure I do things right for a change. Patience, Alex.
Dammit. Look at how long this Blog ended up as? This is what happens when I'm suffering from insomnia. I ramble on...and on...and on...and eventually, reluctantly...fall asleep, thus ending my rambling thoughts, converting them into rambling dreams that I won't ever remember.
Ugh...I'm done! >.<
Well, no luck so far in the job department. That's pretty much all I need to be put into a meh mood. It means I gotta rely on the government loans to pay for rent and food until I can find even a meager paycheck. Not for lack of trying, ya know. It's just so frustrating. I'm an awesome computer guy, if people would just hire me! And if I don't know how to do something, I have ways of figuring it out and learning how to do it in a satisfactory way, too. It's just...it's so frustrating, you know! Although I'd rather not have to work, so I can be completely free to do social events after classes are done and stuff, and spend time with friends, I really do need to get money. Money is...well, it's not good, but I need it. It's especially frustrating when your parents get totally pissed off at you because you haven't got a job. They're 40+ years old, they should know how frustrating it is to try and get that first job, especially when the job market you're suitable for is already saturated. Whatever. I'll...get along somehow. At least I've got a good extra $12k, after tuition, that I can freely use for living expenses. I just need to make sure I don't go and spend a coupld thousand of that on personal items...as tempting as it is.
Maybe I'm just a total loser. You know, like...people instinctively know they shouldn't hire me, or something. Although McDonald's can attest I'm a good employee, better than most, so...it could be that I'm misinterpreted as being a bad employee? I dunno. My introverted, self-confidence-lacking side is rambling.
To make things worse, I'm off to a bad start in classes. Well, one class specifically. CS336. Not that the number means anything to you. I've been to one one of the lectures for it in the past month and recently missed the first homework entirely. Why? Well, I don't skip class on purpose for your information. It's at 8 in the morning, which means I have to wake up at 6am. I haven't been able to get to 8am classes since Fall '05. I often sleep in until 10am, which means I also miss discussions sections for other classes, though I somehow get myself to wake up at 8am to get to 10am classes. Must be that the extra two hours is long enough for the alarm to cut through my dream-state.
I'm also doing badly in EE316, which is something I should truly be ashamed of. It's material is very similar to my CS310 class, so I'm pretty much already learning the material, but it's entirely self-taught. That is, you read from the book, take the professor's tests (more like quizzes, actually), and there's where your grade comes from, plus the final exam. Bad way to teach, but he's an electrical engineering guy, you kinda have to expect him not to understand humans. Basically, I'm behind on what tests I should have taken by now. I want to be ahead of the game, but it's not quite working out that way just yet.
*sigh*
Oh, for the record, I'm doing well in CS315 (the one I'm retaking, so duh) and CS310. Hopefully I don't start messing up in those classes and can soon start climbing back up in the other classes.
I just need to get my sleep schedule back in order and resist the urge to game when I should study.
Seriously, today, I could've studied for the test I need to take in EE316...but I couldn't resist WarCraft III, Smash Brothers, and Soul Calibur...yeah, I'm a loser. I'm a gamer at heart, I can't help it.
But seriously, I'm going to force myself to do better in these classes. I can't screw up two semesters in a row. First time, okay, everybody screws up somewhere in college, it's a normal thing. Yeah, sure, if I were a good little honors student, I'd be so ahead of the game seniors would be behind me, but I think I stopped being an honors-level student after I graduated high school. Screwing up twice? In a row? Shame on me for being a moron, in that case. So, yeah, I can't afford any screw-ups this time around.
At least this semester I'm not all depressed from being a lonely bachelor. I think I can attribute messing up Spring 06 to that. It started kicking in about halfway through, and then totally dragged me down the last month. It got to the point where I didn't see the point in leaving my room, I was so down on myself. Well, except social events with the ACM. Hanging out with those people always leaves me in a good mood, especially if competetive gaming is involved, so I guess I would go there to feel good about myself, even if only for a short time.
But I'm past it now. I have to be. I've got Kitiy, for one. For the other, I did way too much thinking when holed up in my room while skipping classes and playing video games and watching anime. I think my way of thinking changed a bit, and one or two of my philosophical viewpoints on life. Before I got back with Kitiy, I'd come to realize a lot of things about the world of relationships. Strange how the world works. The wise ones are the ones who barely have any exposure to it...you should see some of the advice I've given to people on the subject. I sound like a wiseman, and I feel silly saying it. I read over my advice (it's often sent through internet to them) and I'm like "Wait...did I really just say that?"
Anyways.
Yeah, yeah, a lot of people could blame my addiction to video games an anime for why I did poorly in classes...after all, that's what I did all day. Studying? Nope. Gaming. Hells yes. Forums? You bet. IM? Of course. Anime? I watched so much anime...I'm surprised I'm not Japanese by now. Look at it this way. I felt all depressed and down on myself...what am I going to do in an attempt to feel better? Watch anime with heroic super-powered folks. Read fantasy novels of magical elves and evil gods being destroyed by mortals and stuff like that. Play video games where I can beat down on inferior AI and solve puzzles and practice strategy. It doesn't help, but at least I'm not focusing on myself in my pathetic state of mind. Even if it means I'm failing my classes in the process. It helps to ease the sensation of my overpowering inferiority complex. I guess that would be the psychological term for what I went through.
Meh, I'm making excuses for myself again, aren't I? I was depressed last semester, and partway through the summer, and that caused an intense drop in my grades, end of story.
I've got purpose now, though. Purpose that my heart, soul, and mind can all understand. Success in life, getting good grades, getting a paycheck to afford food, advancing my career...that ain't enough to motivate my heart and soul. Kitiy...she motivates me more than even I can comprehend. I've got to do things right so I can get to her and be proud of what I've done with myself in the meantime. Well...yeah, doing things right, succeeding in life, making my parents proud of me, not falling behind my friends, not looking like a moron to my more-recently-acquired-fellow-ACM-officer friends...true, that's motivation, too. It just wasn't enough, before....before Kitiy came back into my life.
Jeez...it sounds so corny...all sappy. So I'm a romantic, okay? Shut up.
Not my fault it's true. I feel better now, with Kitiy, and I can't explain in any other way but that... I love the idea of being with her. I just gotta get my life in gear so I can go up to Oklahoma one day...that would be the best vacation I could ever have, even if I just spent two days there.
But I must wait. Yes, I must wait. 2 years. Just 2. That's how long, at the very least, I must wait. It's how long I have to make sure I do things right for a change. Patience, Alex.
Dammit. Look at how long this Blog ended up as? This is what happens when I'm suffering from insomnia. I ramble on...and on...and on...and eventually, reluctantly...fall asleep, thus ending my rambling thoughts, converting them into rambling dreams that I won't ever remember.
Ugh...I'm done! >.<
9/15/2006
Yes, I'm Still Alive
In case anybody's wondering, I am still alive. I've just been too busy with college stuff to bother blogging much lately. Anyways, hmm...some things that have happened recently, besides classes...
Well, the ACM had their first general meeting last night. We raffled off a DS Lite and four amazon gift cards. We also had a bunch of free pizza and soda which arrived late. We had a very large gathering of people and we now have over 120 paid members. More than 30 people said they were thinking about becoming JOs, which is frackin' awesome (yes, I did just use a Battlestar Galactica swear word :P I'm such a nerd). Hopefully the officer retreat won't be too over-crowded...we'll probably end up camping at Lake Travis to avoid that. I wonder if we'll get a boat again this year...if so, people will once again get to see just how pale I really am. I can tell ya, I ain't cliff-diving this year. I'm enough out of shape that I'll get lightheaded after the jump. And with the drought, it's likely the cliffs are even higher than last year.
Hmm...what else...
Oh, well, I might get some work doing tech support at Welch soon (a building on campus for you non-UT folk). It'll only be 19 hrs/wk, but I don't really need much more than that, as long as it's enough to pay for rent and food. I just hope I get this position...it's simple work and it's only 19 hrs/wk...assuming they'd mold my work schedule to my school schedule without messing up my plans with ACM, EGaDS!, or UT Chess Club. I'm hopefuly, but I hear other people have already been interviewed, and I'm not really all that competent in tech support on the hardware level. Pretty much the only thing I got going for me is that I've got a great personality (least, I think so) as I have to interact with professors (whom I tend to get along with fairly well) and I am competent in figuring things out on Windows and Mac systems.
I've been having problems making it to my classes lately because I tend to sleep in too often. I'm hoping to remedy that problem soon, as I can't screw up this semester just because I sleep in a lot...
And I don't even sleep in that late, even. Sleeping in as late as 10am is enough to miss all my classes. Seriously. Because, no matter how much I rush my shower and munch on my pop-tart, I still gotta ride the bus to school. I wouldn't get there until I miss so much of the class, I may as well not go.
Well, except EE316, which is in the afternoon, but it doesn't really count, because you don't actually have to go, assuming you aren't behind on the unit tests.
Well, all in all, I think life is going all right. ACM is starting up all of their awesome events already, and I'm really looking forward to 'em. And I seem to be off to a good start with CS315, but I'm not counting my chickens just yet.
I still feel totally bored on a daily basis, though. It's a frustrating thing.
Well, the ACM had their first general meeting last night. We raffled off a DS Lite and four amazon gift cards. We also had a bunch of free pizza and soda which arrived late. We had a very large gathering of people and we now have over 120 paid members. More than 30 people said they were thinking about becoming JOs, which is frackin' awesome (yes, I did just use a Battlestar Galactica swear word :P I'm such a nerd). Hopefully the officer retreat won't be too over-crowded...we'll probably end up camping at Lake Travis to avoid that. I wonder if we'll get a boat again this year...if so, people will once again get to see just how pale I really am. I can tell ya, I ain't cliff-diving this year. I'm enough out of shape that I'll get lightheaded after the jump. And with the drought, it's likely the cliffs are even higher than last year.
Hmm...what else...
Oh, well, I might get some work doing tech support at Welch soon (a building on campus for you non-UT folk). It'll only be 19 hrs/wk, but I don't really need much more than that, as long as it's enough to pay for rent and food. I just hope I get this position...it's simple work and it's only 19 hrs/wk...assuming they'd mold my work schedule to my school schedule without messing up my plans with ACM, EGaDS!, or UT Chess Club. I'm hopefuly, but I hear other people have already been interviewed, and I'm not really all that competent in tech support on the hardware level. Pretty much the only thing I got going for me is that I've got a great personality (least, I think so) as I have to interact with professors (whom I tend to get along with fairly well) and I am competent in figuring things out on Windows and Mac systems.
I've been having problems making it to my classes lately because I tend to sleep in too often. I'm hoping to remedy that problem soon, as I can't screw up this semester just because I sleep in a lot...
And I don't even sleep in that late, even. Sleeping in as late as 10am is enough to miss all my classes. Seriously. Because, no matter how much I rush my shower and munch on my pop-tart, I still gotta ride the bus to school. I wouldn't get there until I miss so much of the class, I may as well not go.
Well, except EE316, which is in the afternoon, but it doesn't really count, because you don't actually have to go, assuming you aren't behind on the unit tests.
Well, all in all, I think life is going all right. ACM is starting up all of their awesome events already, and I'm really looking forward to 'em. And I seem to be off to a good start with CS315, but I'm not counting my chickens just yet.
I still feel totally bored on a daily basis, though. It's a frustrating thing.
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