I'm trying to sleep. But I can't. So I'm rambling into my blog. And I seem to be typing my sentences in a funny manner.
I think I've realized why long-distance relationships rarely work out. No matter how much you love each other, the feeling of being alone still lingers because you can't actually take them in your arms. That's something that two people in love desperately need from each other. Physical contact. Forget the sex...if I could just give Kitiy a hug every day, I couldn't ask for more. Well...okay, I could, but I wouldn't be needing more. I'd be happy, let's leave it at that.
I need to get my driver's license before that lingering feeling becomes too strong. Well, that, and a car that won't overheat when you turn the A/C on. I'll remedy this over time. I'm stubborn like that. I'm getting my damn hug!
I also find myself being very lazy/sleepy lately without understanding why. Like...sleeping in extra, and then finding myself yawning and stretching after being awake for only a handful of hours. And all I do is sit in my big green chair with my laptop, chatting with Kitiy. So I'm not doing anything truly tiring. I should be exercising. I should be figuring out Quicken and checking my finances to see if I can afford UT Austin next year, plus apartment and food. I should be searching for work in Austin, especially coming up with a plan to see about Matt's job.
I also find myself worrying about money for college next year, since my thoughts are running in that direction. Both in securing funds for tuition and for the other daily life stuff. Though I suppose I can have college tuition covered if I just pull a million loans out of my ass. I won't like it ten years from now, when I'm still paying those loans, but I'll get through college.
I want to get a job that will allow me to save up extra money each month without having to limit myself on stuff. Not only would I like the occasional video game, but the Wii will be released this year, I still don't have a DS Lite, and I am falling more and more in love with the concept of buying an Enigma coat from Abbyshot (it's modeled after Organization XIII from KH2 *drools over the pics of it again*) just so I can walk around with a sweet-ass full-length hooded coat that makes people stare. To make matters worse, I am finding myself increasingly jealous over how many people I know who own swords. I am also jealous of a friend of mine who is now taking kenjutsu...something I desperately want to do myself, but there are other things I need to do, want to do, and should do first. I have been wanting a katana for ages. I wonder if it would be too much to ask my family for one on my 20th birthday or maybe Christmas. My parents would not be happy about getting me a weapon, I'm sure, and merely ask me "Why?" It would definitely be too much to ask of my friends, unless they all pitched in together...the one I have my eye on is just a tad bit expensive after all. I do know another one that's $130.00, but still...that's a bit much to ask for as a gift, isn't it?
Anyways...I don't really ask for a job that magically gives me the money for everything I've ever wanted. Just one that would allow me to save up a little bit of extra cash and spend a portion of that savings once or twice a year, on myself, without feeling guilty about it. $10/hour would be the magic number for that.
Then again, that's probably more than what I need...isn't that almost $20k a year? Well, okay, that's at 40 hrs/week, which is so not happening during semester. Let's cut that in half, though even 20 hrs/week seems a bit much for my taste. I really need to talk to Matt about this job he says he could hook me up with. If it turns out I'm super-skilled at the job, I can get in on one of their contracts which allowed Matt to earn $2.5k in just two weeks. Yeah. Your jaw dropped. Admit it.
And even without that, I would be doing computer-type stuff and get paid nicely. Relatively nicely. I work at McDonald's, all right?
Okay, I would accept $8/hour. But still. I need computer-related work. Shit, I need any work, so long as it pays. In Austin. My parents claim, as long as I'm working, they're willing to help as much as they can. They want me to pay everything on my own, but as long as I show effort, they'll help. I need an Austin job. Badly. And one that pays good, too. My parents aren't rolling in dough, especially not lately, and the less they need to help, the more happy I'll feel with myself, and the prouder they'll be of me.
The idea of staying in San Antonio for next year is somewhat appealing, yes. I could go to SAC or Northwest Vista and just get some basic courses out of my way. Like Government and Sociology or something. Just a few for the next year, paying a small amount of money, while working here in SA to save up more money and collect more scholarships, so that I can get back up to UT Austin the following year.
But...it's just so easy to give up like that. Sure, the easy way is probably the smartest way, but what's the point in that? There's not much challenge in it, so little work involved. Some people call it stupid. I call it working for something I want. I want to go to UT Austin. I want to go there until I walk away with a degree in my hands. And hopefully, that will be in 4 years or less.
I've been told by my close friends to change my profile pic. Many times. I've been using it on Facebook, Myspace, and here, to name a few places. To those who know what I look like...is it really that unsettling?
Still not tired. It's also unbearably hot in my room. My parents are cheap enough to not use A/C this summer. I've also got work in 12 hours. I want to sleep a bit and have time to chat with Kitiy before work, because there's only 8 hours between today's shift and tomorrow's shift.
I'm shutting up and publishing this post. I could ramble more. But it'd serve no further purpose.
7/28/2006
7/24/2006
The Question
I had a conversation with Katy not too long ago. It goes like most of our conversations, varying over many random subjects. One of the subjects involved me and Kitiy, and one thing Katy said really struck me...rather profoundly, even.
"and you're doing that! you're totally one of those "I'm about to pop the question" people at this moment"
It just threw me totally "on tilt" as Matt would say. Threw me for a loop. And then, I thought about it for a bit. She has a point.
Okay, I'm not popping that question anytime soon. To be honest, I haven't yet been able to meet Kitiy in person, as much as I love her.
But, I thought about it...and it's an idea that I'm actually comfortable with. I don't feel worried or anxious about it one bit. I'm sure that will change come the wedding day, but right now...thinking about it...I can really see it happening, and look forward to it.
I think that's what makes Kitiy so much more special to me than any of the girls I'd had crushes on in my life. I liked them, yeah. I lusted after others, yeah. Everybody goes through crushes of all different sorts. Brittany was probably the strongest crush, as it still lingers in my head, even though there's nothing between us.
Whenever I looked at Brittany, or Rachel (way back from 8th and 9th grade), or any of the girls in-between that I don't remember...I never could see myself going beyond simple dates. I always enjoyed spending time with them, but thinking back on it all, that's all I wanted to do. Spend time with them. Do fun stuff together. The way good friends do, like I do with my best buds Matt, Paul, and Karl.
It seems when a guy and a girl become best buds, one or the other might have trouble realizing it's not more than that. Anyways. That's a philosophical debate for another time.
When I look at Kitiy (Or rather, imagine her, look at her photos, or chat with her through Yahoo) I see so much. I really can see myself going all the way with this girl.
And it's not just me fantasizing about an impossible reality, either. I'm not even anxious, or nervous, or afraid, or any of the feelings I normally have about such things as a result of my naturally introverted behavior. I am really...quite comfortable with the idea of Kitiy and me as wife and husband. As sleeping with each other. As being parents together. Being grandparents together.
Don't worry, I'm not ready to be old. I'm just trying to get my point across.
I know when I reach those steps, I'll be anxious and nervous and worried enough to become an alcoholic each time, but right now...I think about those steps in life with Kitiy...and I can only smile.
"and you're doing that! you're totally one of those "I'm about to pop the question" people at this moment"
It just threw me totally "on tilt" as Matt would say. Threw me for a loop. And then, I thought about it for a bit. She has a point.
Okay, I'm not popping that question anytime soon. To be honest, I haven't yet been able to meet Kitiy in person, as much as I love her.
But, I thought about it...and it's an idea that I'm actually comfortable with. I don't feel worried or anxious about it one bit. I'm sure that will change come the wedding day, but right now...thinking about it...I can really see it happening, and look forward to it.
I think that's what makes Kitiy so much more special to me than any of the girls I'd had crushes on in my life. I liked them, yeah. I lusted after others, yeah. Everybody goes through crushes of all different sorts. Brittany was probably the strongest crush, as it still lingers in my head, even though there's nothing between us.
Whenever I looked at Brittany, or Rachel (way back from 8th and 9th grade), or any of the girls in-between that I don't remember...I never could see myself going beyond simple dates. I always enjoyed spending time with them, but thinking back on it all, that's all I wanted to do. Spend time with them. Do fun stuff together. The way good friends do, like I do with my best buds Matt, Paul, and Karl.
It seems when a guy and a girl become best buds, one or the other might have trouble realizing it's not more than that. Anyways. That's a philosophical debate for another time.
When I look at Kitiy (Or rather, imagine her, look at her photos, or chat with her through Yahoo) I see so much. I really can see myself going all the way with this girl.
And it's not just me fantasizing about an impossible reality, either. I'm not even anxious, or nervous, or afraid, or any of the feelings I normally have about such things as a result of my naturally introverted behavior. I am really...quite comfortable with the idea of Kitiy and me as wife and husband. As sleeping with each other. As being parents together. Being grandparents together.
Don't worry, I'm not ready to be old. I'm just trying to get my point across.
I know when I reach those steps, I'll be anxious and nervous and worried enough to become an alcoholic each time, but right now...I think about those steps in life with Kitiy...and I can only smile.
7/22/2006
Scorpion's Curse
I am often rather proud of the fact that I'm a Scorpio. I don't know why, because it's not a very unique status nor a very important one. I just am sometimes. I guess I feel like it's neat to be born under the sign that rules the House of Sex. Not that it means anything. Or maybe the stereotypical nature of a Scorpio personality appeals to me...the whole introvertive nature and deep thinker of the world and everything. The whole intense loyalty to his lover aspect. Being as sign for people in control of their own destiny. All the...stuff I don't totally remember, but know vaguely describe me with accuracy.
And there are times when I wish I weren't a Scorpio. I need to look through astrology.com to see where I originally read this, but I remember reading something about Scorpio, though being fiercely loyal to his companion, will also find himself attracted to many women at once. Or maybe it was just a small mention, barely noticeable, about receiving attentions from many women at once. I'm not sure, either way, there's some kind of "Scorpion's Curse" I like to call it. Maybe I just misread something somewhere a while back, because I can't find it. Maybe it's related to Scorpio's 'intense sexual energies' or something. The fact that Scorpio is supposed to be the "Sex God of the Zodiac" doesn't help much. Yes, it seems a sexual beast lies dormant within me.
What's been bugging me lately is how...in being alone for the past year or two, without a lover or girlfriend or what-have-you, I was totally alone. There wasn't even a girl who flirted with me, or a girl I directed my attentions towards. Absolutely nothing.
Now I have found Kitiy, and I am rather content with my life. Perhaps even happy. Sure, at the moment I am having some money trouble and I need to get off my lazy ass to do important stuff, but I am content now that I have Kitiy once again...
It's like I'm suddenly noticed by other girls. The sort of girls I would normally find myself interested in, and not just for physical reasons. Maybe it's just because I have a job now and am actually in an environment where I am in a position to socialize with some girls.
All I know is, I find myself chatting with girls when on break or waiting for a ride, or just in general, and we seem to be good friends, (well, one girl has a boyfriend of 3 years and already slept with him once, being 17, with her parents knowing about it and not having a problem with it...so she's obviously not to be worried about, but whatever). I just met a girl who's new there just today named Janay, and it was some fun chatting with her. She's diabetic and wants to be a history teacher. I'm pretty sure it's hereditary, because she's skinny.
I have no desire to stray from Kitiy in the slightest. I am a Scorpio, after all, and I'm fiercely loyal to the one I love...and expect just the same. I made the mistake once, and it won't happen again. I love her, everything about her and, yes, even want her sexually. That's why this is bugging me so much.
I often find myself thinking "That's a girl I would be interested in, if I didn't already have everything I could ever want with Kitiy" and...I just can't understand where it comes from. I look at other girls, and I don't find myself even wanting them physically. All I want is Kitiy. These girls I only want to be friends with, that's absolutely true. Is it normal for somebody to think that when he already has somebody and is truly thoroughly happy with that somebody?
And, with some of these girls, I can almost tell that they're thinking I'm interested in them just because I'm being friendly. And that bugs me even worse. What's wrong with a guy being friendly to a girl? It doesn't necessarily mean that he "likes" her.
That same 17-year-old girl I mentioned earlier, who has a boyfriend of 3 years, has all sorts of guy friends, and she doesn't hesitate to hug them or sit on their lap, even tease them. She's still totally for her own boyfriend, even if he absolutely hates it when she acts that way with her guy friends. She's a fun person like that. Sure, in that situation, there's cause to be unhappy with her getting too friendly, as I would be just as possessive with Kitiy, but it's all in good fun in the end.
*sigh* I should drop this topic, and move on. Why let this bug me? I've got Kitiy and I'm happy with her, even if I have to wait two years before I can do anything intimate with her. I need to get myself a driver's license, a car, and a week of free time just to even hug her. I don't mind waiting for her, and she doesn't mind waiting for me, but sometimes I wish we were living nearby, at least in the same city. The reward is more than worth the wait. I just need to remember that.
Yes, I'll just stop worrying. If I worry about it, only then is there cause to worry, because then I doubt myself. It's one of those "nothing to fear but fear itself" things. I love my Kitiy. ^.^
Speaking of zodiac signs, Kitiy is an Aquarius. Which, for those of you people who aren't knowledgeable about astrology, is actually the worst possible zodiac match for a Scorpio. The two signs are exact opposites in nearly every way. It doesn't bother me one bit, though. I love her, I really do, and part of it is because she's so different from me. She makes up for all that I lack, and the other way around.
The other part of why I love her is because I just do. I don't care to understand why I love her, I don't feel that I need a reason to love her.
Apparently, astrologically speaking, Scorpio and Aquarius are both stubborn signs. So when we say we love each other and are going to be together, we're going to do that and fight for it. And well...that's how I feel about it. There's going to be friction. The stars say that, and I expect it, because of the way Kitiy is, because of who she is. We're not going to get along on every topic I'm sure, and every relationship has some amount of friction. I'm not going to let it stop me from caring for her, though.
I guess I don't really put too much stock in astrology. I am interested in it, and I like reading about what's supposed to happen, and I often like to just because it comforts me when I'm feeling stupidly worried about something. It's often pretty amusing, too.
Gah, I feel stupid for writing this post at all now, but whatever...it's here and the post button's there. Not like it matters. I'm just being stupid. I can't even think straight. Maybe that's why I won in poker last night, since the way I normally think makes me lose at poker.
I've been awake for 28 hours and I'm about to sleep for four hours. I hope. I don't want to sleep in and miss work or be hours late. That would suck. I plan to nap afterwards. A long time.
And there are times when I wish I weren't a Scorpio. I need to look through astrology.com to see where I originally read this, but I remember reading something about Scorpio, though being fiercely loyal to his companion, will also find himself attracted to many women at once. Or maybe it was just a small mention, barely noticeable, about receiving attentions from many women at once. I'm not sure, either way, there's some kind of "Scorpion's Curse" I like to call it. Maybe I just misread something somewhere a while back, because I can't find it. Maybe it's related to Scorpio's 'intense sexual energies' or something. The fact that Scorpio is supposed to be the "Sex God of the Zodiac" doesn't help much. Yes, it seems a sexual beast lies dormant within me.
What's been bugging me lately is how...in being alone for the past year or two, without a lover or girlfriend or what-have-you, I was totally alone. There wasn't even a girl who flirted with me, or a girl I directed my attentions towards. Absolutely nothing.
Now I have found Kitiy, and I am rather content with my life. Perhaps even happy. Sure, at the moment I am having some money trouble and I need to get off my lazy ass to do important stuff, but I am content now that I have Kitiy once again...
It's like I'm suddenly noticed by other girls. The sort of girls I would normally find myself interested in, and not just for physical reasons. Maybe it's just because I have a job now and am actually in an environment where I am in a position to socialize with some girls.
All I know is, I find myself chatting with girls when on break or waiting for a ride, or just in general, and we seem to be good friends, (well, one girl has a boyfriend of 3 years and already slept with him once, being 17, with her parents knowing about it and not having a problem with it...so she's obviously not to be worried about, but whatever). I just met a girl who's new there just today named Janay, and it was some fun chatting with her. She's diabetic and wants to be a history teacher. I'm pretty sure it's hereditary, because she's skinny.
I have no desire to stray from Kitiy in the slightest. I am a Scorpio, after all, and I'm fiercely loyal to the one I love...and expect just the same. I made the mistake once, and it won't happen again. I love her, everything about her and, yes, even want her sexually. That's why this is bugging me so much.
I often find myself thinking "That's a girl I would be interested in, if I didn't already have everything I could ever want with Kitiy" and...I just can't understand where it comes from. I look at other girls, and I don't find myself even wanting them physically. All I want is Kitiy. These girls I only want to be friends with, that's absolutely true. Is it normal for somebody to think that when he already has somebody and is truly thoroughly happy with that somebody?
And, with some of these girls, I can almost tell that they're thinking I'm interested in them just because I'm being friendly. And that bugs me even worse. What's wrong with a guy being friendly to a girl? It doesn't necessarily mean that he "likes" her.
That same 17-year-old girl I mentioned earlier, who has a boyfriend of 3 years, has all sorts of guy friends, and she doesn't hesitate to hug them or sit on their lap, even tease them. She's still totally for her own boyfriend, even if he absolutely hates it when she acts that way with her guy friends. She's a fun person like that. Sure, in that situation, there's cause to be unhappy with her getting too friendly, as I would be just as possessive with Kitiy, but it's all in good fun in the end.
*sigh* I should drop this topic, and move on. Why let this bug me? I've got Kitiy and I'm happy with her, even if I have to wait two years before I can do anything intimate with her. I need to get myself a driver's license, a car, and a week of free time just to even hug her. I don't mind waiting for her, and she doesn't mind waiting for me, but sometimes I wish we were living nearby, at least in the same city. The reward is more than worth the wait. I just need to remember that.
Yes, I'll just stop worrying. If I worry about it, only then is there cause to worry, because then I doubt myself. It's one of those "nothing to fear but fear itself" things. I love my Kitiy. ^.^
Speaking of zodiac signs, Kitiy is an Aquarius. Which, for those of you people who aren't knowledgeable about astrology, is actually the worst possible zodiac match for a Scorpio. The two signs are exact opposites in nearly every way. It doesn't bother me one bit, though. I love her, I really do, and part of it is because she's so different from me. She makes up for all that I lack, and the other way around.
The other part of why I love her is because I just do. I don't care to understand why I love her, I don't feel that I need a reason to love her.
Apparently, astrologically speaking, Scorpio and Aquarius are both stubborn signs. So when we say we love each other and are going to be together, we're going to do that and fight for it. And well...that's how I feel about it. There's going to be friction. The stars say that, and I expect it, because of the way Kitiy is, because of who she is. We're not going to get along on every topic I'm sure, and every relationship has some amount of friction. I'm not going to let it stop me from caring for her, though.
I guess I don't really put too much stock in astrology. I am interested in it, and I like reading about what's supposed to happen, and I often like to just because it comforts me when I'm feeling stupidly worried about something. It's often pretty amusing, too.
Gah, I feel stupid for writing this post at all now, but whatever...it's here and the post button's there. Not like it matters. I'm just being stupid. I can't even think straight. Maybe that's why I won in poker last night, since the way I normally think makes me lose at poker.
I've been awake for 28 hours and I'm about to sleep for four hours. I hope. I don't want to sleep in and miss work or be hours late. That would suck. I plan to nap afterwards. A long time.
7/10/2006
Another Old Friend
When I went in for work at 3 this afternoon, I ran into an old friend of mine from high school. Megan Pando. I used to always ride the bus to and from school with her, and she was one of the few people who talked with me on the bus. I haven't seen her since junior year, because she's a year ahead of me. That was...yeah, about two years ago. That's two friends I've run into now, both from two years ago. Though one is more than a friend...you get the idea. The first thing she said to me is "Hey, you look a LOT older!"
I guess I do...going from high school junior to college sophomore. She didn't look much different. She was eating with her mom, so I said hi to her. She suggested we swap phone numbers, so I pulled out my phone. I noticed then that there's a crack in one spot and the light which tells me whether or not it's fully charged has fallen out, as the crack leads to it. It now does not open properly. I think I need a new phone. I hope my folks will get a new one for me, since it is on their phone plan and since my dad and brother have gotten like three new phones over the years, and I've managed to stick with this one. With my luck, they'll be cheap and tell me to buy my own...dammit, I need my money for more important things in the coming semester. Like, gee, FOOD.
Anyways, I'm rambling. I'm probably silly in thinking this, but I find myself wondering why she wanted my phone number. Well, sure, we're friends, and it's been a while. We could hang out, or just catch up and talk to each other about life, or something to that nature. What friends normally do. But, at the same time, it just feels funny. After all, the only contact we'd ever really had before was on the bus or waiting for the bus, or perhaps running into each other in the hallways unexpectedly. We got along very well, yeah, and I always enjoyed talking to her...and I suppose I do admit that I'd had a small crush on her (this was before Kitiy, after all...I've had a lot of crushes, but Kitiy's only my third girlfriend...is that weird?)
I'm probably just being silly, though. Even if there is something to her asking to swap phone numbers, I have my Kitiy. And I definitely love my Kitiy, heart and soul. Megan would never mess with that. I know her well enough to understand that.
It is pretty awesome that I ran into her, that's for sure. She chose to stay in San Antonio and attend Northwest Vista. That's a community college.
I keep wondering if a community college would've been the smart choice, as I'm going to have to work my ass off to continue to pay for UT Austin. I'm not giving up on that though. I'm sticking to it, no matter what it takes. I'll be in debt up to my eyeballs for years to come...but I don't care.
Damn. I'm rambling again. I ruined the nice-sounding ending to this blog.
Hmm...it's very likely, now that I think about it, that I will have to pay for my own new phone. Perhaps even worse, my dad will suddenly have the bright idea to force me to get my own service plan and everything. Oh joy. I am not one to use my phone much, and thus why I fear this. My dad figures he's paying for something that I never use.
True. I'm not much of a phone person. But I do use the phone, and every time I use it is a time I need it. At the least, I don't use up very much of the family minutes, which I believe is 800. Somehow, my dad caused us to go over that once.
I do find myself hoping to spend some time with Megan, though I don't know what that will entail. At the very least, I'll get to chat with her over the phone. I don't like phones though. Not sure why...I just don't. Maybe it feels too impersonal or something. I'd rather chat over lunch or something.
I guess I do...going from high school junior to college sophomore. She didn't look much different. She was eating with her mom, so I said hi to her. She suggested we swap phone numbers, so I pulled out my phone. I noticed then that there's a crack in one spot and the light which tells me whether or not it's fully charged has fallen out, as the crack leads to it. It now does not open properly. I think I need a new phone. I hope my folks will get a new one for me, since it is on their phone plan and since my dad and brother have gotten like three new phones over the years, and I've managed to stick with this one. With my luck, they'll be cheap and tell me to buy my own...dammit, I need my money for more important things in the coming semester. Like, gee, FOOD.
Anyways, I'm rambling. I'm probably silly in thinking this, but I find myself wondering why she wanted my phone number. Well, sure, we're friends, and it's been a while. We could hang out, or just catch up and talk to each other about life, or something to that nature. What friends normally do. But, at the same time, it just feels funny. After all, the only contact we'd ever really had before was on the bus or waiting for the bus, or perhaps running into each other in the hallways unexpectedly. We got along very well, yeah, and I always enjoyed talking to her...and I suppose I do admit that I'd had a small crush on her (this was before Kitiy, after all...I've had a lot of crushes, but Kitiy's only my third girlfriend...is that weird?)
I'm probably just being silly, though. Even if there is something to her asking to swap phone numbers, I have my Kitiy. And I definitely love my Kitiy, heart and soul. Megan would never mess with that. I know her well enough to understand that.
It is pretty awesome that I ran into her, that's for sure. She chose to stay in San Antonio and attend Northwest Vista. That's a community college.
I keep wondering if a community college would've been the smart choice, as I'm going to have to work my ass off to continue to pay for UT Austin. I'm not giving up on that though. I'm sticking to it, no matter what it takes. I'll be in debt up to my eyeballs for years to come...but I don't care.
Damn. I'm rambling again. I ruined the nice-sounding ending to this blog.
Hmm...it's very likely, now that I think about it, that I will have to pay for my own new phone. Perhaps even worse, my dad will suddenly have the bright idea to force me to get my own service plan and everything. Oh joy. I am not one to use my phone much, and thus why I fear this. My dad figures he's paying for something that I never use.
True. I'm not much of a phone person. But I do use the phone, and every time I use it is a time I need it. At the least, I don't use up very much of the family minutes, which I believe is 800. Somehow, my dad caused us to go over that once.
I do find myself hoping to spend some time with Megan, though I don't know what that will entail. At the very least, I'll get to chat with her over the phone. I don't like phones though. Not sure why...I just don't. Maybe it feels too impersonal or something. I'd rather chat over lunch or something.
7/08/2006
Computer calls
Hmm...I feel the need to post something. Anything. I don't know why. It's probably the fact that I literally did not sleep last night from staying up chatting with Kitiy, even though I knew I had a 7am shift. It's not totally her fault, though, I'm an insomniac. I don't know what the f*** I'm running on. But I'm not sleeping anytime soon. Going to go see the new Pirates of the Carribean movie. I'm not much looking forward to it, I've heard things about it, but I suppose I'll still go see it.
Though I must admit, the fact that Kitiy can call my computer using the latest Yahoo! Instant Messenger (which can also be done with Google Talk, but whatever...) and use a mic plugged into her computer to actually speak to me...that probably adds a bit to my wakefulness. She's not doing it now, because I think she's out with her best friend, but it kept me from sleeping before I had to go to work. My family used to have a mic to use with computers, but...it's either broken or vanished from existence. As such, I feel guilty in that I've heard Kitiy's voice and seen a somewhat recent pic of her, and have yet to follow suit. I must say, I think hearing her voice has made me fall in love with her doubly so. If that's even possible. I'm still kinda creeped out by the whole thing with how she's kinda...dark. Evil-like. But, hey, I love her. And a part of me, a big part of me, loves her personality. Even if it can be kinda creepy.
She still swears that she will grow my hair out and dye it a blue black ("bruise" she calls it...and also style it so it can look closer to the hair in that pic, I think...since my hair is untamed by any stylist so far), make me wear all black clothes (all in gothic dark/evil style of course) and force me to get at least one tatoo and one piercing. I dont so much mind the first two, but the second two just...aren't me. Though I'm not too fond of the permanent part of that hair dye. I want to be able to experiment with the look first. Rather, try it out and see how people react. I've already got a full-length black coat, (an oilskin duster in fact), so I suppose the black clothes thing won't be too bothersome. I find that black clothes and cats don't particularly go well together. Neither do black clothes and Texas. I need to get in the habit of carrying lint-rollers with me if I start wearing only black clothes like she does. She goes to Hot Topic for all her fashion needs, I believe. I've heard of the store, but know nothing of it...but the links she has sent me have me partly interested and partly frightened.
Damn. I'm rambling.
So...I went to amazon.com. It's the place I consider to be my one-stop shopping place. Okay, maybe not one-stop. It's my Walmart. That works better. eBay is my last resort for the rarities and bargains. Food's the only thing I don't buy online.
Anyways, I searched among various electronic products. At first, I was just looking at mics. I found a desktop mic that looked pretty decent. I was going to get it, but then I figured...why not just get a webcam with a built-in mic? I've always wanted a webcam after all, and now I actually have a reason to own one. Well, I found one for about $40. Though $10 of that was S&H, of course. It probably isn't going to be a super perfect modern gadget, either camera or microphone, but it's something, eh?
The one thing I want to say is that she's not a "goth chick" or whatever you would call the stereotype. She just likes all black clothing and thinks a little evilly is all. And happens to be Wiccan. >.>
Though I must admit, the fact that Kitiy can call my computer using the latest Yahoo! Instant Messenger (which can also be done with Google Talk, but whatever...) and use a mic plugged into her computer to actually speak to me...that probably adds a bit to my wakefulness. She's not doing it now, because I think she's out with her best friend, but it kept me from sleeping before I had to go to work. My family used to have a mic to use with computers, but...it's either broken or vanished from existence. As such, I feel guilty in that I've heard Kitiy's voice and seen a somewhat recent pic of her, and have yet to follow suit. I must say, I think hearing her voice has made me fall in love with her doubly so. If that's even possible. I'm still kinda creeped out by the whole thing with how she's kinda...dark. Evil-like. But, hey, I love her. And a part of me, a big part of me, loves her personality. Even if it can be kinda creepy.
She still swears that she will grow my hair out and dye it a blue black ("bruise" she calls it...and also style it so it can look closer to the hair in that pic, I think...since my hair is untamed by any stylist so far), make me wear all black clothes (all in gothic dark/evil style of course) and force me to get at least one tatoo and one piercing. I dont so much mind the first two, but the second two just...aren't me. Though I'm not too fond of the permanent part of that hair dye. I want to be able to experiment with the look first. Rather, try it out and see how people react. I've already got a full-length black coat, (an oilskin duster in fact), so I suppose the black clothes thing won't be too bothersome. I find that black clothes and cats don't particularly go well together. Neither do black clothes and Texas. I need to get in the habit of carrying lint-rollers with me if I start wearing only black clothes like she does. She goes to Hot Topic for all her fashion needs, I believe. I've heard of the store, but know nothing of it...but the links she has sent me have me partly interested and partly frightened.
Damn. I'm rambling.
So...I went to amazon.com. It's the place I consider to be my one-stop shopping place. Okay, maybe not one-stop. It's my Walmart. That works better. eBay is my last resort for the rarities and bargains. Food's the only thing I don't buy online.
Anyways, I searched among various electronic products. At first, I was just looking at mics. I found a desktop mic that looked pretty decent. I was going to get it, but then I figured...why not just get a webcam with a built-in mic? I've always wanted a webcam after all, and now I actually have a reason to own one. Well, I found one for about $40. Though $10 of that was S&H, of course. It probably isn't going to be a super perfect modern gadget, either camera or microphone, but it's something, eh?
The one thing I want to say is that she's not a "goth chick" or whatever you would call the stereotype. She just likes all black clothing and thinks a little evilly is all. And happens to be Wiccan. >.>
7/04/2006
Shipping Delays
It turns out Kitiy still has to deal with being shipped back and forth between her divorced biological parents. I suppose I should've expected that, since she is 16 years old. She's going back to her mom's today, so I patiently await when she gets back to her dad's. For those who've read the last post in my blog, you'll remember that her mother's computer broke down, preventing her from using the internet while there? Well, two years have passed, and there's still no replacement. That's why I wait.
I think she likes her mom better than her dad, though. It's difficult to tell, but it seems that way. Something about her mother letting her be herself more often. Let's just say that Kitiy doesn't act like most girls, and her dad tends to be rather strict about things. For one thing, she's Wiccan and does not believe in God, but her dad forces her to sit through prayers anyway. I think she's forced to go to church, too, but I'm not sure.
I think this is, in a way, a good thing. When people spend too much time in each other's company, they can get on each other's nerves over time. A little space between people every so often never hurts.
Not that I'm saying she's getting on my nerves or anything. She takes a little getting used to, since she's not like most other girls I know, but she's not getting on my nerves.
Edit: turns out her mother is feeling too sick to get her. So now Kitiy is again stuck at her dad's. She's not happy about that, because she wanted to start fires and burn things for 4th of July. Yes...she's a bit of a Pyro. *skerred*
I think she likes her mom better than her dad, though. It's difficult to tell, but it seems that way. Something about her mother letting her be herself more often. Let's just say that Kitiy doesn't act like most girls, and her dad tends to be rather strict about things. For one thing, she's Wiccan and does not believe in God, but her dad forces her to sit through prayers anyway. I think she's forced to go to church, too, but I'm not sure.
I think this is, in a way, a good thing. When people spend too much time in each other's company, they can get on each other's nerves over time. A little space between people every so often never hurts.
Not that I'm saying she's getting on my nerves or anything. She takes a little getting used to, since she's not like most other girls I know, but she's not getting on my nerves.
Edit: turns out her mother is feeling too sick to get her. So now Kitiy is again stuck at her dad's. She's not happy about that, because she wanted to start fires and burn things for 4th of July. Yes...she's a bit of a Pyro. *skerred*
7/02/2006
Two Years Since...Still Beating Strong
This is, essentially, a follow-up on the recent blog. I apologize beforehand for the length of it.
Kitiy has suddenly come back into my life, and...strangely enough, no feelings between us have been lost in the least. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so...depressed over the last year or so, like something was missing. It sounds cheesy, I suppose, but that's my only explanation.
Of course, beforehand, it was just my status of bachelorhood and inability to end it, though I was just a young teen then.
But I suppose I should start at the beginning. I almost don't want to tell the whole truth, because I know many people would think I'm crazy or just simply laugh, some people might make fun of me for this, and maybe some people would think differently of me, but...I feel that I must. I've told this to only one other person (for some reason, I actually told Katy about this through AIM...I dunno how, but it kinda just started coming out, ya know?), and nobody else knows one bit of this story, unless they were actually involved. Even then, the other people involved don't know the full tale.
In the summer before my senior year of high school, I was rather bored. Or maybe it was during my junior year of high school. Actually, yeah, it was either during, or right before, the Christmas break in my junior year of high school. That would be the Christmas of 2003, I believe. Anyways, I was rather bored. As such, I spent much time on my computer, surfing the internet and playing video games. I'd actually never been on a forum before this point, so this was before I really knew anybody online. Don't think I IMed at all, even. I think I was still enjoying Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction, at the time, and I was growing bored with it.
Anyways, I stumbled upon an online game called Grendel's Revenge. It's a MUD, which stands for Multi-User Dungeon. Basically...it's a totally text-based MMORPG. No graphics. Okay, almost no graphics, but nothing important to the game. It is role-playing encouraged, meaning the players prefer to roleplay and keep out-of-character stuff as seperate as possible. It's also a game where you play as monsters, rather than normal races, like elves or humans. In fact, you kill the humans, because they're evil and invading your lands.
But that's all besides the point. I got rather into it. I chose to be Coranth the Wyvern, and was rather enfatuated with a lightning-based ranged attack spell. I'm still enfatuated with electrokinesis, too. One of the first monsters I met was in the first clan I joined called the Guardians. She was Kitiy the Sphinx. Well, she still is, but whatever. She still plays the same character, though I no longer do so.
What ended up happening is Kitiy and Coranth, the characters in the game, hooked up, or something of that nature. We became friends out-of-character as well, which isn't much of a surprise. If our characters like each other, surely we would, too, because our characters are extensions of our own personas. Eventually, we got to know each other, and uhh...I don't know any other word for it but that we came to love each other. Maybe, at first, it was just a fling and not really love, but...well, I suppose I could get to that later, since it's been nearly 3 years since then.
Well, I discovered she was 14 and in Oklahoma. Mind you, I found this out after I came to have feelings for her, so I'm no pediophile. I know her full real name, but I won't reveal that. I don't even reveal my own full name. The 14 part bugged me at first, but...well, I kept thinking how my parents themselves are four years apart, so her being 3.5~ years younger wouldn't seem odd when we got older, if the fling or crush lasted that long. I didn't really expect it to, honestly. And, really...if she wasn't bugged by it, then I wasn't.
Well, we did grow very close. She didn't really play the game much, though I definitely got into it. She had more fun with roleplaying, especially teasing Coranth. I think it got to the point where we really only played the game to roleplay with each other, because...well, I'll get to that later, too.
Her parents, though, are divorced. Actually, it's much more complicated than that, but it does about sum it up. So she often got shipped between them, on a weekly basis, in fact. She'd spend weekends with her dad, and then go back to her mom for school and stuff like that during the week. Bothersome, to say the least. Eventually, her mother's only computer broke down in some fashion. Thus, she could only come online during weekends. This was around the beginning of my senior year of high school, I think. Yeah...that sounds about right.
I started getting bored with the game, and....uhhh....well, this is the part that I least want to tell to people. It's just totally not the normal me. Let's just say I was distracted by a girl in the real world, closer to my age. I'd rather not get into details, but suffice it to say I started losing interest in Kitiy. I knew I was, and I felt terribly guilty for it. Not just because I knew it would hurt Kitiy, but because I didn't want to lose interest.
Well, we eventually parted ways. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I remember that she stopped coming online altogether. She never knew about this other girl, I think...Kitiy either thought I stopped loving her, or that she'd scared me away, or...something I dunno. In the end, I think she'd yelled at me and got mad about something, (I didn't totally understand the reasons for it, so I was rather confused, but I think she kept asking me if I loved her, and I kept avoiding the question...I never was good at ending a relationship), and then stopped coming online at all. After some time, it seems she began to feel that it was all her fault. That makes sense considering the message she recently sent me. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
At that point, I found mysef suddenly bored with Grendel's Revenge...it just wasn't the same without Kitiy, even though I, at the time, thought that we weren't meant for each other. I think this was just before my 18th birthday. Some say that's when a boy becomes a man...but I did not. Perhaps I've still not become a man.
So, I was under the impression that I didn't feel for Kitiy, that we hadn't been in love, though deep down...I know I still did care for her. Or maybe I knew I still did, but I just couldn't bring myself to keep in contact with her...I think I was still rather shameful about how things turned out. Those of you who know well enough, have you ever imagined me as the sort of guy who'd leave one girl for another? Well...that's not quite how things turned out, but you know what I mean.
Maybe it was just that she wasn't online as often as I'd like. Maybe her young age finally got to me. Maybe it was just that I finally caved in to my more physical desires and sought out a closer relationship. Maybe that's why people say long distance relationships can't work.
Eventually, I lost interest in the other girl. Rather, she never had interest in me at all, and this was just a crush, and I finally realized that I had interests in the wrong girl. Something that is rather common in the realm of teenagers. I didn't realize this until around February or March of 2005, near the end of my senior year of high school. Yeah...I am a moron, eh? I suppose that's when I started feeling depressed all the time, though I did try to hide it.
Then I realized...I was alone. And that it was all because of me. Parting ways with Kitiy was the biggest mistake of my life. I still felt for her, I realized then. Too late. And I also realized...I had no way of telling her this and at least apologizing. I'm not sure what I would apologize for, but...I had this feeling that I needed to. I really felt, and still feel, bad about leaving her like that when we got along so well and, as far as I can tell, made a wonderful couple. I remember being told as much by the people I knew online.
I think, after all this time...it has been a big source of my sadness. A primary source, as there were others. How can it not be? I lost a girl I loved, who loved me for who I am...all because of my actions, giving in to dishonourable wants. I beat myself up over that, for a rather long time afterwards. Normally, guys who do that sorta thing are total jerks, and I don't want to be a jerk. I kinda gave up on Kitiy, because I suspected that, although she didn't know the full reasons for me leaving her, she still hated me, for whatever reason. And, really...I felt like I didn't deserve Kitiy. I still wonder if I deserve anybody.
From there on...all I ever had were crushes. I'd always felt Kitiy was totally out of my life, but something was always missing. I'd always get along extremely well with the girls I had these crushes on, but...something was always keeping us from going beyond friends. Something just wasn't right.
But none of that matters. I was pretty much as most online friends know me: single, depressed...wishing I had a girl, but somehow failing in that department entirely while still being a nice guy. Maybe too much of a nice guy. That's always been the biggest wall between me and a relationship...I worry too much about doing the right thing, that I never do anything. Normally acting silly and happy and optimistic when with people, no matter how I felt inside...just because that's the way I am. I'd blogged my inner feelings, chatted with people about my feelings before I'd started blogging, with people always telling me the right girl will come along. My closest friends offline kept saying they'd hook me up with somebody, because they'd say I need to get a girl, but I was never too cooperative with their assistance. Dunno why I wasn't, as I suppose they would've easily found somebody to my liking. Maybe deep down, I knew I didn't want anybody else but Kitiy and wouldn't admit it, because I felt I didn't deserve her. I'd always been saying that I wasn't actively seeking a girl...just waiting for the right one to come into my life. What kind of guy says that, huh?
Well, I eventually came to the decision that, one day, I would get in touch with Kitiy. Even if it meant taking a road trip up to Tulsa, Oklahoma and spending several months searching for where she lived, only to leave a note in her mailbox addressed to her in apology...from her Corry. Maybe a chance to meet in person and tell her an apology in person or something, if that would be possible, just so that she would be allowed a response, whatever it is she would want to say, or do, to me. I'd entertained this idea for a long time, and the longer I did, the better it sounded. I guess a part of me entertained the notion of us getting back together...that she didn't hate me. I felt, at the time, that it was a silly notion.
Well...then, this summer, the summer of 2006, I got that message in my Gmail inbox, through the Skotos forums, from an account called Insao, having the e-mail of chinohanavamp@yahoo.com (which turned out to be a disabled e-mail or something like that). I shall quote it again, just because.
"If you ever read this message. I am 16 now and have matured enough to admit that I was wrong, [p]ride[ful], hurtful, and stupid. I wish to appologize for this.
I completely understand if you do not.
-3rdblooded one."
My immediate thoughts were that this had been Kitiy...and I was right. It still totally throws me off. Here's Kitiy...apologizing to me? What does she have to apologize for? It took me a couple hours to realize, but I could still contact her through my old YIM! username of Coranth1104. I was glad to find that she'd tried IMing me through that, and I'd had a few offline messages as a result.
When I finally got in touch with her, for the first time in a year, maybe a year and a half, a mix of feelings kept rising to the surface (and still are). I worried if maybe she hated me. I wondered if she still loves me. I wondered if she's changed at all in the past two years. A person can change a lot between the ages of 14 and 16.
Well...it turns out that she had been feeling just as guilty about parting ways with me as I had about her. I felt relieved about that, but at the same time...even more guilty. I don't know why.
It seems that, ever since we parted ways, she'd try off and on to get in touch with me. It wasn't until recently she had the idea to contact me through the forums which I'd grown to be very active in when I played GR. She probably remembered that I'd been quite the "forum monger" back then. Well, it definitely paid off.
We've spent a lot of time chatting online now, disrupting my normal online activities as well as my daily routine, just catching up and enjoying each other's company. Not that I mind. She really does have feelings for me still. It boggles my mind, and I still find it difficult to believe, but she really does. And, really...I do still have feelings for her. Talking with her online again...for the first time in a while, I feel content. At peace, you could say. Well...as much at peace as one can be when one has strong feelings for another. I feel the same way that I did back then, before we lost touch with each other.
She may still be young, but that won't last long. Only another two years, and people won't think it's weird at all. We'll meet in person one day. I swear it. That shall be the most important test of our feelings for each other.
Heh, and now, looking back on this whole thing...I feel like the dumbest guy around. I'm sure you who read this have been thinking the whole time, "Why did he go and do that?" And I'm sure most of you are thinking "WTF, he met his girlfriend through the internet?" And, of course, most of you are focused on the whole "she's 16 years old" thing.
Yeah...I'm lame...get used to it.
Kitiy has suddenly come back into my life, and...strangely enough, no feelings between us have been lost in the least. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so...depressed over the last year or so, like something was missing. It sounds cheesy, I suppose, but that's my only explanation.
Of course, beforehand, it was just my status of bachelorhood and inability to end it, though I was just a young teen then.
But I suppose I should start at the beginning. I almost don't want to tell the whole truth, because I know many people would think I'm crazy or just simply laugh, some people might make fun of me for this, and maybe some people would think differently of me, but...I feel that I must. I've told this to only one other person (for some reason, I actually told Katy about this through AIM...I dunno how, but it kinda just started coming out, ya know?), and nobody else knows one bit of this story, unless they were actually involved. Even then, the other people involved don't know the full tale.
In the summer before my senior year of high school, I was rather bored. Or maybe it was during my junior year of high school. Actually, yeah, it was either during, or right before, the Christmas break in my junior year of high school. That would be the Christmas of 2003, I believe. Anyways, I was rather bored. As such, I spent much time on my computer, surfing the internet and playing video games. I'd actually never been on a forum before this point, so this was before I really knew anybody online. Don't think I IMed at all, even. I think I was still enjoying Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction, at the time, and I was growing bored with it.
Anyways, I stumbled upon an online game called Grendel's Revenge. It's a MUD, which stands for Multi-User Dungeon. Basically...it's a totally text-based MMORPG. No graphics. Okay, almost no graphics, but nothing important to the game. It is role-playing encouraged, meaning the players prefer to roleplay and keep out-of-character stuff as seperate as possible. It's also a game where you play as monsters, rather than normal races, like elves or humans. In fact, you kill the humans, because they're evil and invading your lands.
But that's all besides the point. I got rather into it. I chose to be Coranth the Wyvern, and was rather enfatuated with a lightning-based ranged attack spell. I'm still enfatuated with electrokinesis, too. One of the first monsters I met was in the first clan I joined called the Guardians. She was Kitiy the Sphinx. Well, she still is, but whatever. She still plays the same character, though I no longer do so.
What ended up happening is Kitiy and Coranth, the characters in the game, hooked up, or something of that nature. We became friends out-of-character as well, which isn't much of a surprise. If our characters like each other, surely we would, too, because our characters are extensions of our own personas. Eventually, we got to know each other, and uhh...I don't know any other word for it but that we came to love each other. Maybe, at first, it was just a fling and not really love, but...well, I suppose I could get to that later, since it's been nearly 3 years since then.
Well, I discovered she was 14 and in Oklahoma. Mind you, I found this out after I came to have feelings for her, so I'm no pediophile. I know her full real name, but I won't reveal that. I don't even reveal my own full name. The 14 part bugged me at first, but...well, I kept thinking how my parents themselves are four years apart, so her being 3.5~ years younger wouldn't seem odd when we got older, if the fling or crush lasted that long. I didn't really expect it to, honestly. And, really...if she wasn't bugged by it, then I wasn't.
Well, we did grow very close. She didn't really play the game much, though I definitely got into it. She had more fun with roleplaying, especially teasing Coranth. I think it got to the point where we really only played the game to roleplay with each other, because...well, I'll get to that later, too.
Her parents, though, are divorced. Actually, it's much more complicated than that, but it does about sum it up. So she often got shipped between them, on a weekly basis, in fact. She'd spend weekends with her dad, and then go back to her mom for school and stuff like that during the week. Bothersome, to say the least. Eventually, her mother's only computer broke down in some fashion. Thus, she could only come online during weekends. This was around the beginning of my senior year of high school, I think. Yeah...that sounds about right.
I started getting bored with the game, and....uhhh....well, this is the part that I least want to tell to people. It's just totally not the normal me. Let's just say I was distracted by a girl in the real world, closer to my age. I'd rather not get into details, but suffice it to say I started losing interest in Kitiy. I knew I was, and I felt terribly guilty for it. Not just because I knew it would hurt Kitiy, but because I didn't want to lose interest.
Well, we eventually parted ways. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I remember that she stopped coming online altogether. She never knew about this other girl, I think...Kitiy either thought I stopped loving her, or that she'd scared me away, or...something I dunno. In the end, I think she'd yelled at me and got mad about something, (I didn't totally understand the reasons for it, so I was rather confused, but I think she kept asking me if I loved her, and I kept avoiding the question...I never was good at ending a relationship), and then stopped coming online at all. After some time, it seems she began to feel that it was all her fault. That makes sense considering the message she recently sent me. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
At that point, I found mysef suddenly bored with Grendel's Revenge...it just wasn't the same without Kitiy, even though I, at the time, thought that we weren't meant for each other. I think this was just before my 18th birthday. Some say that's when a boy becomes a man...but I did not. Perhaps I've still not become a man.
So, I was under the impression that I didn't feel for Kitiy, that we hadn't been in love, though deep down...I know I still did care for her. Or maybe I knew I still did, but I just couldn't bring myself to keep in contact with her...I think I was still rather shameful about how things turned out. Those of you who know well enough, have you ever imagined me as the sort of guy who'd leave one girl for another? Well...that's not quite how things turned out, but you know what I mean.
Maybe it was just that she wasn't online as often as I'd like. Maybe her young age finally got to me. Maybe it was just that I finally caved in to my more physical desires and sought out a closer relationship. Maybe that's why people say long distance relationships can't work.
Eventually, I lost interest in the other girl. Rather, she never had interest in me at all, and this was just a crush, and I finally realized that I had interests in the wrong girl. Something that is rather common in the realm of teenagers. I didn't realize this until around February or March of 2005, near the end of my senior year of high school. Yeah...I am a moron, eh? I suppose that's when I started feeling depressed all the time, though I did try to hide it.
Then I realized...I was alone. And that it was all because of me. Parting ways with Kitiy was the biggest mistake of my life. I still felt for her, I realized then. Too late. And I also realized...I had no way of telling her this and at least apologizing. I'm not sure what I would apologize for, but...I had this feeling that I needed to. I really felt, and still feel, bad about leaving her like that when we got along so well and, as far as I can tell, made a wonderful couple. I remember being told as much by the people I knew online.
I think, after all this time...it has been a big source of my sadness. A primary source, as there were others. How can it not be? I lost a girl I loved, who loved me for who I am...all because of my actions, giving in to dishonourable wants. I beat myself up over that, for a rather long time afterwards. Normally, guys who do that sorta thing are total jerks, and I don't want to be a jerk. I kinda gave up on Kitiy, because I suspected that, although she didn't know the full reasons for me leaving her, she still hated me, for whatever reason. And, really...I felt like I didn't deserve Kitiy. I still wonder if I deserve anybody.
From there on...all I ever had were crushes. I'd always felt Kitiy was totally out of my life, but something was always missing. I'd always get along extremely well with the girls I had these crushes on, but...something was always keeping us from going beyond friends. Something just wasn't right.
But none of that matters. I was pretty much as most online friends know me: single, depressed...wishing I had a girl, but somehow failing in that department entirely while still being a nice guy. Maybe too much of a nice guy. That's always been the biggest wall between me and a relationship...I worry too much about doing the right thing, that I never do anything. Normally acting silly and happy and optimistic when with people, no matter how I felt inside...just because that's the way I am. I'd blogged my inner feelings, chatted with people about my feelings before I'd started blogging, with people always telling me the right girl will come along. My closest friends offline kept saying they'd hook me up with somebody, because they'd say I need to get a girl, but I was never too cooperative with their assistance. Dunno why I wasn't, as I suppose they would've easily found somebody to my liking. Maybe deep down, I knew I didn't want anybody else but Kitiy and wouldn't admit it, because I felt I didn't deserve her. I'd always been saying that I wasn't actively seeking a girl...just waiting for the right one to come into my life. What kind of guy says that, huh?
Well, I eventually came to the decision that, one day, I would get in touch with Kitiy. Even if it meant taking a road trip up to Tulsa, Oklahoma and spending several months searching for where she lived, only to leave a note in her mailbox addressed to her in apology...from her Corry. Maybe a chance to meet in person and tell her an apology in person or something, if that would be possible, just so that she would be allowed a response, whatever it is she would want to say, or do, to me. I'd entertained this idea for a long time, and the longer I did, the better it sounded. I guess a part of me entertained the notion of us getting back together...that she didn't hate me. I felt, at the time, that it was a silly notion.
Well...then, this summer, the summer of 2006, I got that message in my Gmail inbox, through the Skotos forums, from an account called Insao, having the e-mail of chinohanavamp@yahoo.com (which turned out to be a disabled e-mail or something like that). I shall quote it again, just because.
"If you ever read this message. I am 16 now and have matured enough to admit that I was wrong, [p]ride[ful], hurtful, and stupid. I wish to appologize for this.
I completely understand if you do not.
-3rdblooded one."
My immediate thoughts were that this had been Kitiy...and I was right. It still totally throws me off. Here's Kitiy...apologizing to me? What does she have to apologize for? It took me a couple hours to realize, but I could still contact her through my old YIM! username of Coranth1104. I was glad to find that she'd tried IMing me through that, and I'd had a few offline messages as a result.
When I finally got in touch with her, for the first time in a year, maybe a year and a half, a mix of feelings kept rising to the surface (and still are). I worried if maybe she hated me. I wondered if she still loves me. I wondered if she's changed at all in the past two years. A person can change a lot between the ages of 14 and 16.
Well...it turns out that she had been feeling just as guilty about parting ways with me as I had about her. I felt relieved about that, but at the same time...even more guilty. I don't know why.
It seems that, ever since we parted ways, she'd try off and on to get in touch with me. It wasn't until recently she had the idea to contact me through the forums which I'd grown to be very active in when I played GR. She probably remembered that I'd been quite the "forum monger" back then. Well, it definitely paid off.
We've spent a lot of time chatting online now, disrupting my normal online activities as well as my daily routine, just catching up and enjoying each other's company. Not that I mind. She really does have feelings for me still. It boggles my mind, and I still find it difficult to believe, but she really does. And, really...I do still have feelings for her. Talking with her online again...for the first time in a while, I feel content. At peace, you could say. Well...as much at peace as one can be when one has strong feelings for another. I feel the same way that I did back then, before we lost touch with each other.
She may still be young, but that won't last long. Only another two years, and people won't think it's weird at all. We'll meet in person one day. I swear it. That shall be the most important test of our feelings for each other.
Heh, and now, looking back on this whole thing...I feel like the dumbest guy around. I'm sure you who read this have been thinking the whole time, "Why did he go and do that?" And I'm sure most of you are thinking "WTF, he met his girlfriend through the internet?" And, of course, most of you are focused on the whole "she's 16 years old" thing.
Yeah...I'm lame...get used to it.
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