Droning On

Well...life drones on as always, and Drake is stuck in the same place as always. Seems I just can't get my life back on track. It's harder than ya think. Especially when you want to keep who you are...well...the same person. I shouldn't have to change the way I approach life, and follow a path that I simply do not believe in, to be able to succeed in life. Obviously not all methods work equally, but I should be able to accomplish enough to make my life comfortable.

But apparently job hunting is difficult when your credit history and job history both look like crap. At least, I'm assuming that's the problem. And whenever I explain this to my family, all they have to say, "Then your only choice is to join the military." Fuck. That.
I'm not doing it. I don't care how far I fall, I ain't doin' it. I shouldn't need to resort to that anyways.
If they would just be patient, I'll manage to get a second job soon enough, or at least get promoted at Sea World. Which I'm starting to doubt will happen, seeing how they've yet to call me.

I'm trying at all sorts of places, and it's only a matter of time before one decides, "Hey, let's give this guy an interview and see what happens!" I've just gotta keep trying. I only wish my parents had that same patience.

I know I've been working at it for a while now. Getting my life back together and having it fall apart. I keep saying "If I just get this job" and then the job doesn't work out, and perhaps some of you wonder "Hey what, you're still having trouble?" But hey...I honestly didn't see it coming when Sea World's summer season ended, and they stopped opening during the week. Well, I saw it coming, but I didn't realize it would have THAT much of an impact on my income. I was steadily making money until then, and I could have paid off certain money owed with the money I'd saved, if summer hadn't ended when it did.
In the case of kgb_, I didn't see it coming when they fired me...and I'm still not sure what it was all about. I wish things could've gone differently in these past job attempts, but it's like I'm cursed or something.
If I can just find the one job, whether it's minimum wage, or pays $12/hr, that I can stick with long enough, without screwing up...without having to worry about seasons. Just a good, full-time, 40-hours-per-week job, I can save up money and start taking care of the shit that needs taken care of. Overdue payments, saving up for my own car, a better computer...if the job pays well enough, I'll be able to get my own place.
Like that Toyota job here in SA, pays $12.47/hr? If I get that job, I'd make like $2k a month before taxes and before any overtime, if OT actually happens. With that wage, I could pay for a cheap-ass apartment, with utilities, AND a car, AND internet, AND afford food...and probably still have some on the side to start slowly paying off overdue payments.

And sure. I don't expect to get the perfect wage. I'm not the kind of guy that gets so lucky as to get the very PERFECT thing he needs to get where he wants to go. WoW has taught me that much, because I never get anything rare or special. MY real-life /roll never goes over 30. That doesn't mean I can't be hopeful. Besides, Toyota is still grunt-level work, they just happen to pay nice...I can still hope, right?
Even if I don't get that job, paying that much money, I just need something that can allow me to save up money instead of losing it. Sure, that's not going to work for getting my own place, but I could at least use that to get my own car and pay off money I owe...right?

On another topic, I don't want to jump the gun and jinx myself...because I've been doing too much of that over the past couple of months. And I don't want to get myself excited about it, only to be disappointed all over again. But I feel like things are about to get better in my love life...not just things I've been told, and seeing the way things have played out, but...it's just a feeling I have.
Maybe my life is too screwed up for my gut instinct to work. Too deep in the ditch to properly listen to my 6th sense, and it's just wishful thinking. Could be.
But then...Maybe I'm right, and things are about to turn for the better. I can only hope I'm right.

If things go the way I'm hoping they will, I'll need to look for a job in Tulsa soon enough...but I don't think Toyota has a Tulsa plant. If I search for jobs up there, I may need to turn to fast food again...assuming they let me keep my hair long.
Because a certain person would totally refuse to let me cut it.

Not good at this...

I guess I'm just not good at moving on. Is there a malfunction with me, that I can't be "selfish" and simply ignore her feelings in this, and move on for my emotional well-being?
Or is it everyone else who has the malfunction, in focusing on their needs above anybody else?

It would be easier to figure out of the rest of my life wasn't also in pieces. If I hadn't dropped out of college and left my somewhat-decent job with a possible future in it...would it be easier to figure out? If my love life were the only thing going wrong, maybe it would be easier.

But it's not...and since my love life isn't working out, it's making the rest of my life hard. And I know it's not all one-sided...I'm not so naive. It's just that, when things don't go right, people like to have something reassuring to fall back on. Something to help them feel like, "It's all right, I'll get through this and things will get better, just you wait."
But all I've got to fall back on is WoW. And a very small handful of friends, most of whom aren't in my peer group to begin with. So that makes it hard to stay positive.

Right now, I'm not jobless. I work a seasonal job at Sea World. Unfortunately, Sea World isn't open very often, and even when it was open all week long, I didn't get a full 40-hour week. I need more income if I want to get out of this mess.

My parents keep trying to push me to take classes at Northwest Vista, one or two, and they say they will pay for it. But I'm just not comfortable with trying to rush forward again. It's rushing forward that burned me out to begin with. And I just don't feel like I'm at emotional state where I'm ready to go back to my college classes. I know that I need to, and that I should, but I can also realize that it would be a mistake to go for it too soon. Else I will just run into the same problems all over again.
What I want to do is just get on my own feet. I won't feel comfortable with my life until I'm capable of taking care of myself, without having to leech off my parents. I just...I feel wrong. I feel like I'm broken or something because I'm not capable of taking care of myself. A guy should never have to feel like he's broken.

And that's what I want to fix first. I know I'm not going to get a high-paying job that will make all my dreams come true, but I know I can find a job that will allow me to pay for my own apartment, my own food, my own car...live a cheap, and simple life. I don't need to live a high maintenance life anyways. I've never needed anything fancy. All I need is an internet connection, a mediocre computer, food, and water, and I can be comfortable with my living arrangement.
Once I get back on my own feet, without relying on my parents, I'll feel comfortable with returning to college. And maybe then I can actually have a successful relationship again...

Is that so much to ask for? A simple low-income life to get me started?

I Hate Drama

You know...drama sucks, it really does. I always do my best to avoid the "high school drama" kind of situations everywhere I go. I'm the kind of guy who likes to go with the flow, rather than fight against it and make things difficult. Sometimes people make a big deal out of nothing....but I'm not one of those people. I tend to realize when it's nothing, rather than something.

And yet I still can't seem to have a drama-free life. One of the things I've decided lately is that I can't be friends with a certain girl, so long as she's dating a certain douchebag.

Is it really wrong of me to do that? She and I used to date, and I admit that I would jump at the chance to get back with her in a heartbeat. Fuck the consequences, I'd do it. But she doesn't want to be with me anymore, she wants to be with this other guy.
And you know? That's fine. I don't mind that. I just want her to be happy. If I'm not making her happy, then I don't deserve her.

But she's not happy. All this time that we're "just friends" I listen to her complaining about this guy. Saying how much she hates the way he is. Whenever she puts up a status message, it's about her being unhappy with him. You would think, once in a while, she'd say something nice.
I know I'm not going to be told everything, but you would think I'd hear something nice about him once in a while. But...I don't.

And I cannot put up with that. It hurts enough that she and I broke up to begin with. It hurts enough that she wants me to be no more than a friend...that I'm basically a "back up" in case this guy doesn't work out for her.
But the guy she's dating does NOT treat her the way she deserves, and she still "loves" him over me. And I can't stand that.

I feel pretty miserable from day to day, whether I show it or not, just thinking about her. Having to talk to her makes me feel even worse. Having to be reminded that she's dating this guy makes me feel like complete trash, on top of all the other "emoness" I do. But I still don't mind being her friend, because I care about her well-being, and I want to be able to support her instead of being a total douchebag about it all. If it makes her happier to have me as a friend still, then I feel like it's worth it, because her happiness is still important to me. I can respect why she's made the choices she has, to an extent.
But this...is just too much. I can only be so selfless. It's obvious to me that staying friends with her through all this nonsense is only going to make me and her both more miserable.

Even forgetting my own feelings, her boyfriend knows all about me. And he's not at all comfortable with her talking to me, being my friend, with us hanging out and doing stuff together. I don't blame him, but it makes their relationship more difficult than it already is.

So in the end, I don't help her in the slightest, and she doesn't help me. In the end, we both just hurt each other more, whether it be caused by memories of happier times, or the unhappy present.

And I cannot just smile, nod, and say "Yeah, sure, let's be friends."

If she was happy with the guy, if he was a proper boyfriend and made her truly happy, and was respectful enough of her choices to be fine with us still being friends...then I'd go for it.
But none of that is the case.

Am I really in the wrong here? I can't, in good conscience, feel like it's good to be her friend. And I feel like it's time I move on, because she's made her choice...and is being stubborn about it.

I'll always be here if she wants to come to me, if she wants my friendship, or even if she wants more than friendship...but I can't stand it so long as he is in her life, making her miserable. And there's nothing I can do to bring a smile back to her face, so long as she's with him.

Randomness

I know I don't really post anything...but I'm sure this has come to be expected of me. I'm known for being an infrequent blogger at best.

Just a short and dirty update I suppose: Still stuck in San Antonio, still running into money troubles. Been working at Sea World since May, but now summer's over, and Sea World San Antonio is still a seasonal park. In other words, they only open on weekends now, so I need a new job for weekdays. I'm hoping something will come my way soon, as I was actually, slowly, gaining money. I was getting very close to the point where I could feel comfortable going back to my college classes, and hopefully living on my own again. The longer it takes to find a second job to replace my lost hours at Sea World, the further away I'll get from that goal.

Anyways, the main reason I felt like posting a blog is that I wanted to share this bit of randomness an old friend of mine posted in a Facebook note. I can't help but agree with it, and feel we're slowly approaching the very last phase:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:
From bondage to spiritual faith;
From spiritual faith to great courage;
From courage to liberty;
From liberty to abundance;
From abundance to complacency;
From complacency to apathy;
From apathy to dependence;
From dependence back into bondage."

So before you do any voting on anything political, think about that.

PvP Rant

Okay....this is mostly directed at WoW, but this is something that will apply to all MMOs in general: PvP is NOT harder than PvE, nor does it take more skill. It's a common misconception that PvE is easy because it's too predictable, whereas PvP is unpredictable.

The entire CONCEPT of succeeding against a human opponent is predicting what they will do, and then planning out how you can counter their plan of attack. In the case of World of Warcraft, this is EASY to figure out even before engaging your enemy, simply by figuring out which spec and class your enemy is.
Basically, a Warrior is always guaranteed to fight just like every other Warrior.
A Rogue is guaranteed to fight just like every other Rogue.
A healer-specced Paladin can be guaranteed to heal just like a every other healer-specced Paladin.

You see what I mean? When you put it that way, remembering how to counter a specific class/spec, is just as easy/hard as remembering which instance bosses require which specific strategies.

Not to mention that humans, in general, are extremely predictable. We are creatures of habit, and we all know that habits are hard to break, whether they be good or bad habits. When you figure out how a Warrior will attack you in PvP, you will learn how to win against said Warrior, provided your class/spec has the tools to counter said Warrior. And so long as you know how Warriors in general work...you will know, in general, how that specific Warrior will attack. You know what he does.

At least in PvP, you do not have to coordinate the efforts of 25 people. That's some pretty epic teamwork skills there, if you ask me.
Now don't get me wrong. Don't jump to conclusions. I am NOT saying that PvE is HARDER than PvP. I am NOT saying it takes more skill.
I'm just saying they're about equivalent.

On a non-gamer note: I'm feeling super emo about my love life situation right now, and I'm not in the mood to go into specifics. Suffice it to say that I really wish I were in Oklahoma this weekend...to be with a certain cute goth girl. It's bad enough that I refrained from actually playing WoW today. Not that not playing WoW is a bad thing, but I think it's significant that I didn't even want to enjoy my usual source of stress relief.
If you message me, *maybe* I'll tell you more details...but then again, maybe I don't trust you with such info and keep it to myself. Don't feel offended if I don't share.

Wise Fools

I suppose I don't blog much anymore. If you ask me why one day, I'll either say that there's not much to say, or that there's specific people in my life who'd probably see it, and they happen to be people that I don't want reading my blogs. I need to be able to express my thoughts without certain people in my life judging me based on those thoughts...because I already know my lifestyle just doesn't match theirs.
But it's mostly that I have little of interest to blog about. My life is slow, dull, and rather...mundane.

Anyways, I have something to blog about today. Have you ever noticed that, no matter how wise we get, we can never be very wise about our own life predicaments?
I mean, for example...when you give out relationship advice to your friends. You sound utterly wise and profound. People listen to you, nod their head, and agree with you. And whether or not they take your advice...your advice is good advice. If they listened to you and took your advice, they could be happier.
But then you get into your own relationship problems...and suddenly you're clueless. You either don't know what to do, or you're doing all the wrong things. We've all been there, I'm sure. I know I have. It doesn't help that I'm a stubborn scorpio who prefers to learn things the hard way, rather than take advice.

But this isn't about me. This is about a very close friend of mine...who's running into that very predicament in this stage of her life. I won't name names...some of you probably know who I mean, but I'd rather not come right out and say it.
She's given me sound advice before, though I stupidly ignored it. She was the first one to tell me that Leslie was a mistake. I should have listened to her, because in the end...she was right. I wish I could've seen it, cause it would probably have avoided everything that's been happening in both our lives lately.
And now I'm saying the same thing to her. I've been saying it to her since November...her current relationship is a mistake. And now it's getting worse for her. It's getting more and more obvious just what a terrible and selfish person this guy is...it's even gotten to the point where he will sometimes try to kick her out, they will fight, and then he'll feel all "regretful" afterwards and change his mind. Even this guy is starting to see how bad their relationship is. But she still refuses to part with him, claiming she loves him, even though 80% of the time...she's complaining about him, and talking about how terrible he is. The other 20% of the time doesn't involve conversation about him...stuff too personal for me to openly talk about, if you catch my drift.

Maybe it's just that she never tells me about the good things, and thus my viewpoint is skewed. It can happen. Who rants about the GOOD things after all?
But normally we hear little tidbits of good tidings. Or see MySpace/Facebook status message of good times, at the very least! And honestly...all I'm seeing and hearing is bad things. Terrible things. I won't go into details. But she knows what I speak of, if she reads this.

It hurts me. It hurts me deep...to see this close friend of mine in such a relationship, to see her hurting so bad. Emotionally...and physically. And she's a smart girl, too. Practically a genius. I can guarantee she knows this guy is horrible.
But her emotions are getting in the way...
I used to think I loved Leslie. I learned otherwise. It was something else entirely. But the whole time, I *thought* it was love. I should've been smart enough to know she was a mistake, but my mind and body were befuddling my thoughts. I let my emotions get in the way, and now she's making the same mistake.
It may not be the exact same for her. I don't think it's the same "something else" at least. But it's definitely not love...and I'm hoping that she sees it very soon, and does something about it. Because, as far as I can see and hear...he's done nothing to deserve her love.

I can't really do anything about this...at least not for a long long time, not with my life being screwed up as it is right now. I'd like to help, but first she has to be able to help herself.
And I'm hoping she makes up her mind soon...what to do about her situation. Because she deserves to be much much happier than she is right now.

There's always a choice. There's always an alternative to your lifestyle. You just need to MAKE the choice...and stick to it. I've made my choice...I made it a long time ago, and I'm going to stick to it.
I'm still waiting for her to make her choice.

Random Thought of the Day

Scientology may be a load of bull, but it certainly points out an interesting bit of logic. Following the viewpoints of a book, however true you may be believe the content to be, is not necessarily the most intelligent way to form a religion.

It seems to me that whatever supreme being looks down on the Earth as a god would place down Scientology amongst us with just such a lesson in mind. Many of the things that are described as happening in the Bible are just as alien, foreign, and simply unbelievable as the things Scientology claims to have happened. Not that I've read about this other "religion" mind you, but I've heard some things about it.

I suppose some people would simply say it was the work of the devil, rather than of god, but I've always taken the belief that a god would encompass both the good and the bad of existence, rather than be intrinsically good. Neutrality, as it were. Balance is, after all, a major deciding factor in the universe.